A Feeling Described as "FUNNY"

I have a very funny feeling in me right now. Hmm, how to describe? Well, if I have a better word to describe it I would not be using the word "funny". A friend of mine would spell it as "farnee".

Cool. Coldness. Distant. Unreachable. Clueless. Indifferent. Ignorant.

Yes. These are the words to describe my feeling right now.

I hope that I can be released from these feelings soon. Sometimes I really feel 'clueless' as to what is happening. I wish I have a clue but I also hope I can let go...

We care, but we act as though we do not care. 

We care, but the person that we care for seems far away.

Should we stop caring?

I remember sharing this:

We make those who care for us cry; we cry for those who never care for us; and we care for those who will never cry for us; and

Never explain yourself to anyone, because the person who likes you doesn't need it, and the person who dislikes you wont believe it.

Life is Fragile! [I]

After feeling grateful for being here to post an entry about my testimony, it is also sad to know that life is not predictable. Every day, people come, people go. I do not know the exact number but I think each day there are thousands of babies coming to the world, and at the same time, thousands are leaving the world.

On my birthday I got a news that my colleague's mom passed away. Unfortunately her mom did not accept Christ at the end. It was heartwrenching to know about this because we know how precious a lost soul is. Sometimes I do not understand why human has to be so stubborn, even to the very last stage. They know, yet they choose to be ignorant.

Another day, I got a news that my primary schoolmate passed away due to road accident.

Last week, sms-es have been circulating around to keep a 5 months old baby in prayer. She had contracted dengue fever. Her condition was critical and was in ICU. I was feeling very heavy when I got the news. How can a lovely baby facing such a condition? Her condition was so worrying as she was just a baby.

A mother, pregnant for nine months, trying very hard to give birth to her lovely child. Month by month, enjoying the process of seeing the baby grow up. When the baby laughs, she laughs along with the child. When the baby cries, she immediately runs to her to see the child's needs. When the baby is paying attention to her, she feels so sweet because the baby is having a close relationship with her. She cannot wait for the baby to grow up and calls her 'Mama'. She cannot wait to see her lovely child to grow up to be a child that God favours. Five months later, God takes back the child from her.

I am not a mother, but I believe the pain is unbearable. We believe that God has His purpose behind this. We may not see it now, perhaps in the future we can see His purpose. Faith, is to believe what we cannot see, or yet to see.

Day by day we fast and pray, and we urge people to pray for dear Pei En. However, she passed away on Saturday morning. When I got the news, I could not find myself to believe it. At first instance, I think like what a normal human thinks, such a lovely baby should live to see the world. It is such a pity that she left the world even before she gets to see it. However, what if she gets to see the world and things turn out badly? Well, that is just my opinion as life is unpredictable.

A Brother went to the hospital and visited dear Pei En. He said he was very touched to see that the baby was trying hard to take every breath. She was trying very hard to live, although she was struggling to do so.

A baby, not knowing anything but to breathe, eat, move, cry, pass motion, sleep etc, is struggling to take every breath that she could. How can we, adults, say that life is meaningless?

We do not know what lies behind. We can just have faith and trust Him that everything He allows to happen, will not happen without a good reason. 

Some may think, why is He taking away such a lovely baby? If He is God, how come He did not heal her? If He is God, where is He?

Let's think the other way round, at the same time we were hoping for miracle, God has a better plan and therefore such thing happened. Logically, if she is going to be declared as braindead, wouldn't it be a better solution for her to return to the Father?

If miracle were to happen, the baby will suffer for quite some time before she is fully recovered and this may cause more hardship on her and her family. God's plan will never disappoint us. Trust and we will never go wrong. Is this a blind action? I say NO, what say you?

In heaven, there are no tears, no suffering. She is with our Heavenly Father now. We should be glad instead, because she does not have to suffer anymore.

We are sad that she left us, but we are joyful because she is up there, in heaven, with Jesus. God does not forget her and He loves her very much. In fact, He remembers all of us, hoping that we can have a intimate relationship with Him. Have faith and hold onto Him.

Life is fragile and we do not know what will happen the next second. Instead of worrying about the future, why not we cast it to Him and trust that He will take good care of everything.

God bless!

Immanuel, Shalom & Agape!

Grateful [II]

I was down with dengue a few weeks back. I really thank God for His protection during the days before I discovered that I actually contracted dengue fever. If He did not protect me, I might have just fainted in the middle of the road as I was feeling so weak during the whole week.

In normal circumstances, we would think that it was just normal viral fever because the body temperature subsided after we took the medication. I experienced the same situation too.

I never like to take medication. Normally I would take medical leave and sleep at home, or else I would just take the medication once and stopped taking when I got well. Strangely, I had a  strong feeling that I need to finish all the medication (fever and antibiotic).

I touched myself and thought that fever had left me because I did not feel warm at all. I went to work from Wednesday to Friday after resting on Tuesday, as I thought I was healthy enough to work. Although my stomach was not feeling well on Tuesday night and I had three jabs for gastric pain, I still went to work on Wednesday. I was shivering in the office on Thursday and discovered tiny red dots on my calves on Thursday night. When I was still shivering on Friday, I went to see another doctor on Friday. When I was told that I might contracted dengue fever, I was stunned.

In my mind I thought about a lot of things. I was thinking about a lot of 'IFs'. What IF I have to be hospitalised? What about my hospital bills? What IF they cannot find my blood vein, how will they take the blood from me? What IF I have to stay long in the hospital? What about my parents and family? How was I going to inform them? What IF my case was dangerous? What IF I go back to the Father? and the list went on...

I was praying very hard on my way home, praying hard that the blood test result was not dengue. I was hoping that the tiny dots on my calves were due to allergy to some medication  (the jabs) that I was not aware of. Finally at 16:++ I received the call from the clinic and all I was told was: "Ms Chan, platlet count awak sangat rendah, kemungkinan besar ini kes dengue. Tolong pergi hospital dengan segera!"

I did not know how to tell my parents at that time. Then slowly I just told them I need to go to hospital. We contacted my insurance agent and asked about the medical claims for hospitalisation and around 19:++ I was at the hospital.

I did the blood test again. I was advised that I need to stay in the hospital as my platlet count was below 100. The reading was at 91. They inserted the tube for me (for the drip) and it was not comfortable at all. I still remember within an hour my body absorbed one whole packet of saline.

I was informed that there was no remedy for dengue. Patients need to put on the 'drip' all the time and that was the only remedy. I put on the drip from Friday till Sunday morning, and I was feeling much better then. In fact, I felt as though I was a guest instead of a patient. The hospital was so comfortable.

My platlet count on Saturday dropped to 73 and dropped further to 60 on Sunday. It was not a good sign as it was dropping instead of increasing. I was really afraid that my platlet count would drop to a stage where blood transfusion was needed.

Thankfully my platlet increased to 66 on Monday and the doctor advised that I could go home. Well, I had my doubts as the increase was so minimal. I thought to myself, could I really be discharged? The doctor said that it was not so normal that the increase was so minimal. He drew a graph on Sunday and showed me that the graph was supposed to be in a 'U' shape (something like that). Therefore there was a possibility of my platlet count to be increased on Monday.

However, on Monday, after telling me about my platlet count, he also mentioned about a sickness called "SLE" i.e. Systemic Lupus Erythematosus. Hmm, sound not too good, agree? This was due to the 'rashes' on my cheeks. (Those were acne but not sure why he said so). He was explaining that there would be a lot of tests to be done for this disease so there was no point going through that at that time. He asked me to do a follow up checkup on Saturday.

My mom was worried when we got home, especially when she heard that the rise of the platlet count was abnormal. She asked leaders of the Church to pray for me. My parents bought me watermelon and I had lots of them when I was at home. A Brother shared with us his experience and told us that papaya leave would help increase the platlet count.

My parents went to search around the neighbourhood for papaya leaves and my mom made the 'drink' for me. The taste was terrible but when I went to clinic on Wednesday to do my own blood test, my platlet count was increased to 156, which was normal. How glad were we when we heard this!

When I went to the hospital on Saturday, my platlet count was increased to 257. Praise the Lord!

How do I feel? I feel that I never want to get dengue again. The laboratory assistant commented that my veins collapsed and he could not find any of them on Saturday. Can you imagine, having a needle poked into your veins everyday without fail? Oh, I really do not like this feeling.

Life is unpredictable. I never thought that I would contract dengue fever. I never thought that I would be hospitalised. I never thought about a lot of things but the surrounding circumstances keep reminding us that we should be thankful for everyday because we are still alive. There are a lot of people outside dying each day, and they might not have even have a satisfied life when they leave, because they might think they still have a lot of time.

Life is precious! Appreciate life! Be thankful for our lives! Be grateful because we are still here today, to witness God's grace every second! Be grateful, be thankful!

I was touched by the warmness shown by my family (immediate and in-Christ) and I thank God for them.

Immanuel, Shalom & Agape!