Toxic relationship habits most people think are normal

There’s no class in high school on how to not be a shitty boyfriend or girlfriend. Sure, they teach us the biology of sex, the legality of marriage, and maybe we read a few obscure love stories from the 19th century on how not to be.

But when it comes down to actually handling the nitty-gritty of relationships, we’re given no pointers … or worse, we’re given advice columns in women’s magazines.

Yes, it’s trial-and-error from the get-go. And if you’re like most people, it’s been mostly error.

But part of the problem is that many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. We worship romantic love — you know, that dizzying and irrational romantic love that somehow finds breaking china plates on the wall in a fit of tears somewhat endearing—and scoff at practicality or unconventional sexualities. Men and women are raised to objectify each other and to objectify their relationships. Thus, our partners are often seen as assets rather than someone to share mutual emotional support.

A lot of the self-help literature out there isn’t helpful either (no, men and women are notfrom different planets, you over-generalizing prick). And for most of us, mom and dad surely weren’t the best examples either.

Fortunately, there’s been a lot of psychological research into healthy and happy relationships the past few decades and there are some general principles that keep popping up consistently that most people are unaware of or don’t follow. In fact, some of these principles actually go against what is traditionally considered “romantic” or normal in a relationship.

Below are six of the most common tendencies in relationships that many couples think are healthy and normal, but are actually toxic and destroying everything you hold dear. Get the tissues ready.

1. The relationship scorecard

What it is: The “keeping score” phenomenon is when someone you’re dating continues to blame you for past mistakes you made in the relationship. If both people in the relationship do this it devolves into what I call “the relationship scorecard,” where it becomes a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who owes the other one more.

You were an asshole at Cynthia’s 28th birthday party back in 2010 and it has proceeded to ruin your life ever since. Why? Because there’s not a week that goes by that you’re not reminded of it. But that’s OK, because that time you caught her sending flirtatious text messages to her co-worker immediately removes her right to get jealous, so it’s kind of even, right?

Wrong.

Why it’s toxic: The relationship scorecard develops over time because one or both people in a relationship use past wrongdoings in order to try and justify current righteousness. This is a double-whammy of suckage. Not only are you deflecting the current issue itself, but you’re ginning up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate your partner into feeling wrong in the present.

If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they’re less culpable than the other, rather than solving the current problem. People spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each other.

What you should do instead: Deal with issues individually unless they are legitimately connected. If someone habitually cheats, then that’s obviously a recurring problem. But the fact that she embarrassed you in 2010 and now she got sad and ignored you today in 2013 have nothing to do with each other, so don’t bring it up.

You must recognize that by choosing to be with your significant other, you are choosing to be with all of their prior actions and behaviors. If you don’t accept those, then ultimately, you are not accepting them. If something bothered you that much a year ago, you should have dealt with it a year ago. 

2. Dropping “hints” and other passive-aggression

What it is: Instead of stating a desire or thought overtly, your partner tries to nudge you in the right direction of figuring it out yourself. Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting you, you find small and petty ways to piss your partner off so you’ll then feel justified in complaining to them.

Why it’s toxic: Because it shows that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly with one another. A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing any anger or insecurity within the relationship. A person will never feel a need to drop “hints” if they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for it.

What you should do instead: State your feelings and desires openly. And make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to them but that you’d love to have their support. If they love you, they’ll almost always be able to give it. 

3. Holding the relationship hostage

What it is: When one person has a simple criticism or complaint and blackmails the other person by threatening the commitment of the relationship as a whole. For instance, if someone feels like you’ve been cold to them, instead of saying, “I feel like you’re being cold sometimes,” they will say, “I can’t date someone who is cold to me all of the time.”

Why it’s toxic: It’s emotional blackmail and it creates tons of unnecessary drama. Every minor hiccup in the flow of the relationship results in a perceived commitment crisis. It’s crucial for both people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely to one another without it threatening the relationship itself. Otherwise people will suppress their true thoughts and feelings which leads to an environment of distrust and manipulation.

What you should do instead: It’s fine to get upset at your partner or to not like something about them. That’s called being a normal human being. But understand that committing to a person and always liking a person are not the same thing. One can be committed to someone and not like everything about them. One can be eternally devoted to someone yet actually be annoyed or angered by their partner at times. On the contrary, two partners who are capable of communicating feedback and criticism towards one another, only without judgment or blackmail, will strengthen their commitment to one another in the long-run. 

4. Blaming your partner for your own emotions

What it is: Let’s say you’re having a crappy day and your partner isn’t exactly being super sympathetic or supportive at the moment. They’ve been on the phone all day with some people from work. They got distracted when you hugged them. You want to lay around at home together and just watch a movie tonight, but they have plans to go out and see their friends.

So you lash out at them for being so insensitive and callous toward you. You’ve been having a shitty day and they have done nothing about it. Sure, you never asked, but they should just know to make you feel better. They should have gotten off the phone and ditched their plans based on your lousy emotional state.

Why it’s toxic: Blaming our partners for our emotions is a subtle form of selfishness, and a classic example of the poor maintenance of personal boundaries. When you set a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice-versa), you will develop codependent tendencies. Suddenly, they’re not allowed to plan activities without checking with you first. All activities at home—even the mundane ones like reading books or watching TV—must be negotiated and compromised. When someone begins to get upset, all personal desires go out the window because it is now your responsibility to make one another feel better.

The biggest problem of developing these codependent tendencies is that they breed resentment. Sure, if my girlfriend gets mad at me once because she’s had a shitty day and is frustrated and needs attention, that’s understandable. But if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves around her emotional well-being at all times, then I’m soon going to become very bitter and even manipulative towards her feelings and desires.

What you should do instead: Take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs. There’s a subtle yet important difference between being supportive of your partner and being obligated to your partner. Any sacrifices should be made as an autonomous choice and not seen as an expectation. As soon as both people in a relationship become culpable for each other’s moods and downswings, it gives them both incentives to hide their true feelings and manipulate one another. 

5. Displays of “loving” jealousy

What it is: Getting pissed off when your partner talks, touches, calls, texts, hangs out, or sneezes in the general vicinity of another person and then you proceed to take that anger out on your partner and attempt to control their behavior. This often leads to insane behaviors such as hacking into your partner’s email account, looking through their text messages while they’re in the shower or even following them around town and showing up unannounced when they’re not expecting you.

Why it’s toxic: It surprises me that some people describe this as some sort of display of affection. They figure that if their partner wasn’t jealous, then that would somehow mean that they weren’t loved by them.

This is absolutely clownshit crazy to me. It’s controlling and manipulative. It creates unnecessary drama and fighting. It transmits a message of a lack of trust in the other person. And to be honest, it’s demeaning. If my girlfriend cannot trust me to be around other attractive women by myself, then it implies that she believes that I’m either a) a liar, or b) incapable of controlling my impulses. In either case, that’s a woman I do not want to be dating.

What you should do instead: Trust your partner. It’s a radical idea, I know. Some jealousy is natural. But excessive jealousy and controlling behaviors towards your partner are signs of your own feelings of unworthiness and you should learn to deal with them and not force them onto those close to you. Because otherwise you are only going to eventually push that person away. 

6. Buying the solutions to relationship problems

What it is: Any time a major conflict or issue comes up in the relationship, instead of solving it, one covers it up with the excitement and good feelings that come with buying something nice or going on a trip somewhere.

My parents were experts at this one. And it got them real far: a big fat divorce and 15 years of hardly speaking to each other since. They have both since independently told me that this was the primary problem in their marriage: continuously covering up their real issues with superficial pleasures.

Why it’s toxic: Not only does it brush the real problem under the rug (where it will always re-emerge and even worse the next time), but it sets an unhealthy precedent within the relationship. This is not a gender-specific problem, but I will use the traditional gendered situation as an example. Let’s imagine that whenever a woman gets angry at her boyfriend/husband, the man “solves” the issue by buying the woman something nice, or taking her to a nice restaurant or something. Not only does this give the woman unconscious incentive to find more reasons to be upset with the man, but it also gives the man absolutely no incentive to actually be accountable for the problems in the relationship. So what do you end up with? A checked-out husband who feels like an ATM, and an incessantly bitter woman who feels unheard.

What you should do instead: Actually, you know, deal with the problem. Trust was broken? Talk about what it will take to rebuild it. Someone feels ignored or unappreciated? Talk about ways to restore those feelings of appreciation. Communicate!

There’s nothing wrong with doing nice things for a significant other after a fight to show solidarity and to reaffirm commitment. But one should never use gifts or fancy things to replace dealing with the underlying emotional issues. Gifts and trips are called luxuries for a reason, you only get to appreciate them when everything else is already good. If you use them to cover up your problems, then you will find yourself with a much bigger problem down the line.

This post originally appeared on MarkManson.net. Follow @iammarkmanson on Twitter. 

https://qz.com/580940/toxic-relationship-habits-most-people-think-are-normal/ 

This Is How You Lose Her When She Wanted To Be Yours

By Kirsten Corley


You lose her when you make her feel like an option when all she ever did was make you a priority.

You lose her when you keep her at arm’s length when all she’s ever done is choose you.

You lose her a little more every time that you confuse her and draw lines that are too blurry to see.

Because everything she’s ever felt has been in black and white.

You lose her every time you lie to her.

You lose her when you don’t commit. When all she’s ever done is pick you.

You lose her every time you leave her and she feels a little empty.

You lose her every time you use her. Physically or emotionally.

You lose her when you pull away and act like it’s nothing when you return.

You lose her when you tell her to leave then get angry at her going.

You lose her when you play games. Like how you ignore her text just to blow up her newsfeed.

You lose her when you let her in just to push her away.

You lose her when you tell her you like her but not enough to do anything about it.

You lose her every time she fights for you but it’s only her fighting.

You lose her when you tell her that you love her but everything you say is a contradiction of how you act.

You lose her when you don’t answer and she’s left staring at her phone.

You lose her when you give someone else the chance to treat her the way you choose not to.

You lose her when she’s finally had enough and it breaks her to walk away.

You lose her when she looks back and doesn’t see you coming after her.

You lose her when she whispers goodbye when all she wants is a reason to stay.

You lose her because you don’t deserve someone like her.

And ironically it’ll only be after you lose her do you realize what you had. But by then it’ll already be too late.

 

 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kirsten-corley/2017/06/this-is-how-you-lose-her-when-she-wanted-to-be-yours/ 

According to Psychologists, People Who Cry a Lot Have This Unique Personality Trait

Do you remember the last time you spend the evening crying? Have you recently cried your eyes out?

Crying is not a sign of vulnerability, and you should not apologize for it. Crying is actually a healthy thing which indicates strength and resilience. We give you four reasons to feel empowered after shedding tears:

You Know How to Relieve Stress

According to a 1983 study from the American Psychological Association, crying brings relief of stress due to interpersonal relationships, sadness, and anxiety. Tears help you channel and filter out the thoughts, as bottling them up might cause long-term psychological damage.

Crying actually releases the negative tension accumulated during the day, comforts, and recharges. Plus, emotional tears have hormones that escape the body and could enhance mood.

According to professor Roger Baker from Bournemouth University, crying relieves trauma, as it is the transformation of distress into something tangible.

You Aren’t Afraid of Your Feelings

People can cry for numerous reasons, stress, anger, sadness, low blood sugar, hormonal imbalances, loss, loneliness, and even for trivial things like songs or a sad movie.

Yet, the important thing is that crying makes them accept and confront their feelings. If one ignores these negative feelings, he might turn to alcoholism, drugs abuse, depression, anxiety, and other unhealthy compulsive behaviors.

People often avoid facing the feelings of judgment, fear, and guilt and choking back tears. However, it is important that one acknowledges his emotions and have the bravery to show them and control them.

It Shows You Don’t Care about What Others Think
When not alone, we often try to suppress the feelings of vulnerability and feebleness and not burst out. Our society has imposed a belief that crying in front of others should be avoided at all costs. Yet, our nature is not that controlled, and we cannot always keep up our emotional guard.

According to the findings of a 1964 study, which analyzed the self-reported emotional response of people while in the company of someone crying, people respond less negatively and more compassionately to people who are crying.

Crying made most people feel uncomfortable, but it also means that one is not dependent on the social expectations.

Crying Makes You a Better Friend

Despite showing that you are comfortable in someone’s presence, crying might also show that you are open with your friends.

Sometimes, if you receive bad news with a friend, and you are the first one to start crying, you might help the other to relieve the stress and express his\her emotions too. If you break those walls between you two, you will start building more meaningful relationships.

Crying and Mental Illness

Note that you should talk to a therapist or a counselor if you have frequent urges to cry. These episodes might indicate anxiety and depression. Millions of people around the globe suffer from these conditions, and it is a must to start looking for the solution as soon as possible.

You will find out a lot about these mental illnesses on these three online centers:
-Hope Care
-International Help Lines
-Better Help

Therefore, crying is a healthy mechanism your body uses to cope with the piled up emotions. It improves mood, manages stress, strengthens relationships, and builds your character.

Hence, do not repress the urge to cry, but leave your tears to wash away your sorrow and stress.

Source: theheartysoul.com

 

http://www.healthy-food-house.com/according-psychologists-people-cry-lot-unique-personality-trait/ 

 

 

My Personality [II]: ISTJ Personality (“The Logistician”)

https://www.16personalities.com/istj-personality

My observation is that whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty... it is worse executed by two persons, and scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.

~George Washington ~

The ISTJ personality type is thought to be the most abundant, making up around 13% of the population. Their defining characteristics of integrity, practical logic and tireless dedication to duty make ISTJs a vital core to many famlies, as well as organizations that uphold traditions, rules and standards, such as law offices, regulatory bodies and military. People with the ISTJ personality type enjoy taking responsibility for their actions, and take pride in the work they do – when working towards a goal, ISTJs hold back none of their time and energy completing each relevant task with accuracy and patience.

ISTJs don’t make many assumptions, preferring instead to analyze their surroundings, check their facts and arrive at practical courses of action. ISTJ personalities are no-nonsense, and when they’ve made a decision, they will relay the facts necessary to achieve their goal, expecting others to grasp the situation immediately and take action. ISTJs have little tolerance for indecisiveness, but lose patience even more quickly if their chosen course is challenged with impractical theories, especially if they ignore key details – if challenges becomes time-consuming debates, ISTJs can become noticeably angry as deadlines tick nearer.

Associate With Those of Good Quality if You Esteem Your Reputation...


When ISTJs say they are going to get something done, they do it, meeting their obligations no matter the personal cost, and they are baffled by people who don’t hold their own word in the same respect. Combining laziness and dishonesty is the quickest way to get on ISTJs’ bad side. Consequently, people with the ISTJ personality type often prefer to work alone, or at least have their authority clearly established by hierarchy, where they can set and achieve their goals without debate or worry over other’s reliability.

ISTJs have sharp, fact-based minds, and prefer autonomy and self-sufficiency to reliance on someone or something. Dependency on others is often seen by ISTJs as a weakness, and their passion for duty, dependability and impeccable personal integrity forbid falling into such a trap.

This sense of personal integrity is core to ISTJs, and goes beyond their own minds – ISTJ personalities adhere to established rules and guidelines regardless of cost, reporting their own mistakes and telling the truth even when the consequences for doing so could be disastrous. To ISTJs, honesty is far more important than emotional considerations, and their blunt approach leaves others with the false impression that ISTJs are cold, or even robotic. People with this type may struggle to express emotion or affection outwardly, but the suggestion that they don’t feel, or worse have no personality at all, is deeply hurtful.

...For It Is Better to Be Alone Than in Bad Company

ISTJs’ dedication is an excellent quality, allowing them to accomplish much, but it is also a core weakness that less scrupulous individuals take advantage of. ISTJs seek stability and security, considering it their duty to maintain a smooth operation, and they may find that their coworkers and significant others shift their responsibilities onto them, knowing that they will always take up the slack. ISTJs tend to keep their opinions to themselves and let the facts do the talking, but it can be a long time before observable evidence tells the whole story.

ISTJs need to remember to take care of themselves – their stubborn dedication to stability and efficiency can compromise those goals in the long term as others lean ever-harder on them, creating an emotional strain that can go unexpressed for years, only finally coming out after it’s too late to fix. If they can find coworkers and spouses who genuinely appreciate and complement their qualities, who enjoy the brightness, clarity and dependability that they offer, ISTJs will find that their stabilizing role is a tremendously satisfying one, knowing that they are part of a system that works.

ISTJ Strengths and Weaknesses

ISTJ Strengths

• Honest and Direct – Integrity is the heart of the ISTJ personality type. Emotional manipulation, mind games and reassuring lies all run counter to ISTJs’ preference for managing the reality of the situations they encounter with plain and simple honesty.

• Strong-willed and Dutiful – ISTJs embody that integrity in their actions too, working hard and staying focused on their goals. Patient and determined, people with the ISTJ personality type meet their obligations, period.

• Very Responsible – ISTJs’ word is a promise, and a promise means everything. ISTJs would rather run themselves into the ground with extra days and lost sleep than fail to deliver the results they said they would. Loyalty is a strong sentiment for ISTJ personalities, and they fulfill their duties to the people and organizations they’ve committed themselves to.

• Calm and Practical – None of their promises would mean much if ISTJs lost their tempers and broke down at every sign of hardship – they keep their feet on the ground and make clear, rational decisions. Peoples’ preferences are a factor to consider in this process, and ISTJs work to make the best use of individual qualities, but these decisions are made with effectiveness in mind more so than empathy. The same applies to criticisms, for others and themselves.

• Create and Enforce Order – The primary goal of any ISTJ is to be effective in what they’ve chosen to do, and they believe that this is accomplished best when everyone involved knows exactly what is going on and why. Unclear guidelines and people who break established rules undermine this effort, and are rarely tolerated by ISTJs. Structure and rules foster dependability; chaos creates unforeseen setbacks and missed deadlines.

• Jacks-of-all-trades – Much like Analyst personalities, ISTJs are proud repositories of knowledge, though the emphasis is more on facts and statistics than concepts and underlying principles. This allows ISTJs to apply themselves to a variety of situations, picking up and applying new data and grasping the details of challenging situations as a matter of course.

ISTJ Weaknesses

• Stubborn – The facts are the facts, and ISTJs tend to resist any new idea that isn’t supported by them. This factual decision-making process also makes it difficult for people with the ISTJ personality type to accept that they were about something – but anyone can miss a detail, even them.

• Insensitive – While not intentionally harsh, ISTJs often hurt more sensitive types’ feelings by the simple mantra that honesty is the best policy. ISTJ personalities may take emotions into consideration, but really only so far as to determine the most effective way to say what needs to be said.

• Always by the Book – ISTJs believe that things work best with clearly defined rules, but this makes them reluctant to bend those rules or try new things, even when the downside is minimal. Truly unstructured environments leave ISTJs all but paralyzed.

• Judgmental – Opinions are opinions and facts are facts, and ISTJs are unlikely to respect people who disagree with those facts, or especially those who remain willfully ignorant of them.

• Often Unreasonably Blame Themselves – All this can combine to make ISTJs believe they are the only ones who can see projects through reliably. As they load themselves with extra work and responsibilities, turning away good intentions and helpful ideas, ISTJs sooner or later hit a tipping point where they simply can’t deliver. Since they’ve heaped the responsibility on themselves, ISTJs then believe the responsibility for failure is theirs alone to bear.

ISTJ Relationships

ISTJs are dependable through and through, and this trait is clearly expressed when it comes to their romantic relationships. Often representing the epitome of family values, people with the ISTJ personality type are comfortable with, and often even encourage traditional household and gender roles, and look to a family structure guided by clear expectations and honesty. While their reserved nature often makes dating ISTJs challenging, they are truly dedicated partners, willing to devote tremendous thought and energy to ensure stable and mutually satisfying relationships.

Happiness and Moral Duty Are Inseparably Connected

Blind dates and random hookups are not ISTJs’ preferred methods for finding potential partners. The risk and unpredictability of these situations has ISTJs’ alarm bells ringing, and being dragged out for a night of dancing at the club just isn’t going to happen. ISTJ personalities much prefer more responsible, conservative methods of dating, such as dinner with an interested coworker or, in their more adventurous moods, a setup organized through a mutual friend.

ISTJs approach relationships, as with most things, from a rational perspective, looking for compatibility and the mutual satisfaction of daily and long-term needs. This isn’t a process that ISTJs take lightly, and once commitments are established, they stick to their promises to the very end. ISTJs establish foundations, fulfill their responsibilities, and keep their relationships functional and stable.

As their relationships transitions into the long-term, ISTJs gladly see to the necessary daily tasks around the house, applying the same sense of duty to their home life that they do in the workplace.

While this may not translate into particularly exotic intimate lives, ISTJs are dependable lovers who want very much for their partners to remain satisfied. It takes patience on the part of more adventurous partners, but if different activities can be demonstrated as equally or more enjoyable than those already within ISTJs’ comfort zones, they are perfectly capable of trying something new.

However, emotional satisfaction can be another matter. While ISTJs are able to provide surprisingly good emotional support, this only happens when they realize that it’s necessary, and there’s the rub. As Thinking (T) types, ISTJs are not naturally receptive to others’ emotions, not unless they are stated clearly, and a partner usually only says "I’m angry" when it’s too late to address the initial grievance.

Let Your Heart Feel Their Afflictions, and Give Proportionally

People with the ISTJ personality type can get so caught up in the belief in their correctness, in "winning" arguments they thought were about facts, that they don’t realize their partner may have viewed things from a perspective of consideration and sensitivity. Especially with Feeling (F) partners, this can be a huge challenge for the relationship. Ultimately though, ISTJs’ senses of responsibility and dedication set the tone, and they spare no effort in noting to this distinction moving forward, the consequences having been demonstrated as real.

While ISTJs’ staid approach may seem boring to some, there is an undeniable attractiveness to it, though felt perhaps more by respect and admiration than emotional passion. ISTJs’ shells hide a strong and quiet determination and reliability, rare among other personality types, which can benefit even the flightiest personalities, allowing them to stay connected to the real world while still exploring new territory. Partners who share the Observant (S) trait are the best fit for ISTJ personalities, with one or two opposing traits to create balance and to expand ISTJs’ sometimes overly isolated world, such as partners with Extraverted (E) or Prospecting (P) traits.


ISTJ Friends

ISTJ friends are not spontaneous. They are not talkative, or particularly playful in their affection. What ISTJ friends are is loyal, trustworthy, honorable and dependable. Others may come and go with the ups and downs of life, but ISTJs stay by their friends’ sides no matter what, with a deepness of commitment that other types may not even believe is possible.

True Friendship Is a Plant of Slow Growth

ISTJs are a very methodical personality type, and this loyalty isn’t given away lightly. Often slow to make friends, ISTJs usually end up with a smaller circle, but they consider that circle to represent a promise to be there for the people they care about, and ISTJs’ promises are not easily broken.

These actions convey a sensitivity that many fail to see, but it is a quality that ISTJs’ friends come to admire and depend on in the long years of their friendships.

But all of this sounds terribly serious, and indeed it only shows the one side of ISTJs and their approach to their friendships. The other side knows how to stop being quite so staid, and especially in the company of joyful and talkative Extraverts (E), ISTJs enjoy relaxing and having fun with a good discussion about work, life, and current events.

People with the ISTJ personality type don’t like conflict, and this applies to how they select their friends as well. Seeking out friends with similar principles and opinions, ISTJs most often befriend other Sentinels, who are likely to share their perspective and world vision. While they are unlikely to become friends with substantially different types – it simply takes too much energy to bridge the communication gap – ISTJ personalities still recognize and appreciate others’ strengths and qualities.

Knowledge Is the Surest Basis of Happiness

In fact, as if to prove the point, ISTJs almost always have at least one Intuitive (N) friend in their inner circle, despite the disconnect the two perspectives bring. These are very much relationships built not on mutual understanding, but out of respect for their mutual differences. ISTJs marvel at Intuitives’ breadth of thought, being very much in tune with their own intelligence, while Intuitives admire ISTJs’ realism and dependability, something they are often hard-pressed to find in themselves. Knowledge, as always, is the great equalizer.


ISTJ Parents

As parents, people with the ISTJ personality type are often the most comfortable. Their sense of responsibility and honor blends well with a tradition that has been in place since time immemorial: to raise one’s children to be respected, contributing members of home and society. As with most commitments, ISTJs do not take their roles as parents lightly, and will make it their work to ensure that this tradition is upheld to the highest standard.

This doesn’t always come easily for their children though, as ISTJs tend to be strict, with high standards and expectations. ISTJ personalities establish stable, clearly structured environments for their children, always with an eye on helping them to develop a sense of place in society, and to fulfill useful roles.

A clear sense of hierarchy is a part of developing this identity, and ISTJs work just as much to ensure an appropriate respect for authority as they do with family and societal structure.

All this loyalty, devotion and structure are of little use though when ISTJs’ children need the warmth of emotional support. While ISTJs can be sensitive towards those they care about in their own way, it’s hard for younger children and especially adolescents to recognize this tough love for the love that it is. Often ISTJs need to rely on a more sensitive partner to fill this role and mediate between rational purpose and the more ethereal sense of emotional well-being.

Success Is Owed to Our Parents’ Moral and Intellectual Teachings

People with the ISTJ personality type are strongly principled, valuing patience and hard work, qualities children often struggle with. Nevertheless, ISTJs’ children are expected to meet these standards and share these values, for their own good. This approach often bears its fruit in the long run, but ISTJs must keep in mind that their approach creates natural barriers and distance that often leave their children wondering if they’re on the same team.

Taken too far, or with mutual stubbornness, this may even set in as a permanent state in the relationship, something both ISTJ parents and their children ultimately regret. It is best for ISTJs to embrace and hold to their own values, but to also recognize that each person has their own goals, and to meet their children halfway in attaining theirs. Combining their natural devotion and purpose with this flexibility in support of their children’s own vision leads to a sense of mutual respect and accomplishment that any ISTJ parent would be proud of.


ISTJ Careers

While many personality types may be comfortable with flexible work as consultants and sole proprietors, ISTJs are much more focused on building long-term, stable careers. That’s not to say that ISTJs can’t do that sort of work – many find themselves thinking about what’s on the other side of those cubical walls – but what they crave is dependability, and that is reflected in their choice of work perhaps more so than in any other part of their lives.

Have No Other View Than to Promote the Public Good

The facts support this, as the most common careers among people with the ISTJ personality type revolve around institutions of respected tradition, authority, security, and established consistency. Careers as military officers, lawyers, judges, police officers and detectives are all very popular among ISTJs. This makes sense, as they not only offer the stability that ISTJs seek, but are in line with their principles and conservatism, establishing clear societal roles.

ISTJs of course aren’t limited to these organizations – there are many other roles that utilize their reliability, objectivity and sharp eyes. When facts and logic are out of place, ISTJ personalities swoop in as the accountants, auditors, data analysts, financial managers, business administrators and even doctors that identify, report and correct the issues at hand.

Most of these careers have ISTJs working alone, which is usually their preference, but when teams are necessary, they are best defined by clearly outlined roles, responsibilities and work environments.

Nothing is quite so challenging for ISTJs as ongoing debates about who is responsible for what, resulting in work that’s shoddily assembled – or worse, incomplete.

ISTJs have strong opinions about how things should be done, and if things are shuffled too often, people with this personality type can become surprisingly vocal about their opposition. It’s important for ISTJs to remember that even the most traditional and stable career paths can and need to change as time goes by. It is much better to accept this with grace than to develop reputations of being enemies of new ideas.

Business Discourse Should Be Short and Comprehensive

ISTJs may also struggle with the increasingly open and social requirements of modern work life. Being somewhat bad at sensing others feelings, ISTJs’ "just the facts" attitude can be downright alienating when it comes to more sensitive personality types. This applies not just to coworkers but to customers as well – service positions like retail sales and waiting tables, as well as more emotionally demanding careers such as psychiatry are, generally speaking, a terrible fit.

The ideal career paths feature a trend: they place facts above feelings and allow ISTJs to uphold the hard standards that are the backbone of society. Rules are the basis for everything people take for granted about modern life, from the social contract that smooths relationships, to the laws that protect peoples’ most basic safety, to the constitutions and treaties that govern nations. People with the ISTJ personality type take on roles as the defenders of these ideas, in big ways and small, and are rightfully proud of it.


ISTJ in the Workplace

When it comes to the workplace, ISTJs are almost a stereotype for the classic hard-working, dutiful employee. In all positions, the ISTJ personality type seeks structure, clearly defined rules, and respect for authority and hierarchy. Responsibilities aren’t burdens to ISTJs, they are the trust that has been placed in them, an opportunity to prove once again that they are the right person for the job.

On the other hand, the change that comes with assuming those new responsibilities, or in losing old ones, is often a significant struggle for ISTJs. This presents itself differently in different positions of authority, but it is one of ISTJs’ most significant challenges to overcome. The usual insensitivity common to all Thinking (T) types is also a running theme here, something many people with the ISTJ personality type choose to focus on in their personal and professional development.

ISTJ Subordinates

ISTJs crave responsibility, which makes them the go-to subordinates for odds and ends and unpopular projects. Often seen as jacks of all trades, ISTJ personalities can competently tackle any project that comes with a manual. On the other hand, this makes them reluctant to give up responsibilities even when they are overburdened, or when there are better people for the job. The seriousness in ISTJs’ approach to their work makes them surprisingly sensitive to criticism, leading to a sometimes vexing level of inflexibility.

Their stubbornness aside, or perhaps because of it, ISTJs are quite possibly one of the most productive subordinates – they respect authority and hierarchy, and have no problem following orders and instructions. Punctuality is unlikely to ever be an issue, either in terms of showing up to work on time, or in terms of meeting project deadlines. While ISTJs may need clearly set steps and well-defined responsibilities, they are exceptionally loyal, dedicated, meticulous and patient in completing their work.

ISTJ Colleagues

Among colleagues, no one can be trusted more to ensure that projects are finished on time and by the book than ISTJs. Quiet and methodical, people with the ISTJ personality type keep cool when the going gets tough, but expect their colleagues to share their approach. Significantly different types, especially more emotional ones, baffle ISTJs with their need for emotional support and openness, or capacity for dropping something, half finished. To ISTJs, either something’s been done right or it’s been done wrong, and sugarcoating it or walking away isn’t going to fix it.

ISTJs value peace and security in the workplace, and the easiest way for this to happen is for them to simply work alone. Innovations, brainstorming, theories and new ideas all disrupt this comfortable state, and it takes a great deal of respect on ISTJs’ part to acknowledge their validity. Once the details have been laid out and a plan of implementation established though, ISTJs are an indispensable part of the team in putting these ideas into practice.

ISTJ Managers

ISTJs love responsibility and the power resulting from it. Pressing themselves hard to meet their obligations, ISTJs regularly go above and beyond their duties, and expect their subordinates to act with the same level of dedication. At the same time, ISTJs’ preference for doing things by the book, adherence to hierarchy, and general aversion to innovation makes their subordinates ride a very thin line when they do – stepping out of bounds must be backed up with just the facts, and results.

It is said that it is better to do first and ask permission later – it’s difficult to say whether this applies to ISTJs, as they are very intolerant of their subordinates’ failures to meet their obligations, and one of those obligations is to stick to the plan. Believing that truth, at least as far as they see it, is more important than sensitivity, ISTJ personalities are capable of laying down hard criticism, and their willingness to make tough decisions can make perceived insubordination the final trespass.


ISTJ Personality – Conclusion

Few personality types are as practical and dedicated as ISTJs. Known for their reliability and hard work, ISTJs are good at creating and maintaining a secure and stable environment for themselves and their loved ones. ISTJs’ dedication is invaluable in many areas, including their own personal growth.

Yet ISTJs can be easily tripped up in areas where their practical and methodical approach are more of a liability than an asset. Whether it is finding (or keeping) a partner, learning to relax or improvise, reaching dazzling heights on the career ladder, or managing their workload, ISTJs need to put in a conscious effort to develop their weaker traits and additional skills.

To the Man I Thought Was ‘The One,’ (or My Almost, Not Quite Love)

This is the last time I will ever write about you. I’ve given you pages, chapters, BOOKS of my life…but now it’s time for me to write a new story now. One without you in it.

I’m ready to do that now. But to start a new chapter, you must first close the old one.

For years I asked God to bring closure to this relationship with you…or if not closure, at least a little clarity about what it all meant. This on again, off again, never quite together, never quite apart, yes and no, back and forth relationship. What was your greater purpose in my life, if not to be my forever love? It just didn’t make sense to me. But then again, I guess that’s what faith is all about: Trusting God and moving forward anyway, even when it doesn’t make sense. And that’s what I did. For seven long years. I thought I knew the ending. I thought I knew God’s plan.

But I was wrong.

Instead of walking down an aisle to you, I walked down a long, often heartbreaking path with you…one that tested me, challenged me, tried me, and always, always pushed me closer to God. I spent years trying to get closer to you, but God in His infinite wisdom knew that what I really needed was more of Him. And that’s what this relationship represents to me. It’s what it will always represent to me: A giant question mark in my life that pushed me ever closer to the One who is the answer…the One who is the beginning and the end…the One who loves me enough to heal any wounds left by someone who could never quite love me enough. It wasn’t until I was willing to finally surrender you 100% to God that He was able to show me the reason for you. The bigger picture. The purpose of every tear, every disappointment, every one of the seven long years I spent waiting for you to love me back.

You see, my almost, not quite, love…the number seven in the Bible represents “completion.” And God showed me early on in that seventh year of you and I that it would be the year of our completion, one way or the other. And over the course of that seventh year, the meaning of our relationship came completely into focus: You weren’t the one I was meant to share my life with. You never were. You were the one who was there to teach me how to share my life, my whole life, my whole heart and soul, with God. Completely and unequivocally, holding nothing back.

“Pursue Me the way you want a man to pursue you, Mandy…” God had whispered into my heart during one of our many quiet times.

You see, my almost, not quite, love…there came a day when my eyes were opened to the fact that the way you had been with me for all those years -- wishy-washy, lukewarm, undecided, half in, half out – was the way I had been with God. Never fully committed. On fire one day and ice cold the next. Unwilling to invest my full self into the relationship. How it must have broken His heart.

The same way you broke mine, over and over again.

And one final time, on a summer day of that seventh year, when you looked me in the eyes, and finally told me once and for all: I don’t love you.

You could have told me that at any point during those seven long ears…but you didn’t.

And you know what? I’m glad you didn’t. Because the further away you pulled from me…the closer you pushed me to God. Oh, the conversations I had with God that started off about you but turned into intimate, precious, communion with Him about every topic under the sun! I spoke, He listened. He spoke, I listened. So many heartfelt, transparent, real, raw, candid moments I shared with my precious Jesus…all because I was driven to my knees in prayer about you and for you.

So you see, my almost, not quite love: I don’t regret you. How could I? We had some beautiful moments over the years, yes…but the moments I had with God as a result of our not-so-beautiful moments are ones I will cherish forever. No, I don’t regret you. You taught me how to embrace the Beautiful Uncertainty of my life and to trust that nothing, absolutely nothing bad can happen to me that God can’t find a way to turn for good.

You taught me that giving one’s heart away is always brave, regardless of whether or not the other person chooses to accept it.

You taught me how to love myself better. You taught me how to love other people better. And most of all, you taught me how to love GOD better.

Without you, I might not be the woman I am today.

Thank you.

Mandy

http://www.beliefnet.com/love-family/relationships/dating/to-the-man-i-thought-was-the-one-or-my-almost-not-quite-love.aspx?utm_source=JesusChristPageDecember&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=GlobalScope

 

 

What Is It That We Really Want From Our Partners?

... and the 4 major choices everyone has to make. 

Jeremy Nicholson M.S.W., Ph.D.
The Attraction Doctor

 

 

When we think about human mate preferences, our own unique and specific preferences first come to mind. After all, each of us can speak to what we personally find attractive and compatible in a partner. For some, that might be a person who is handsome or beautiful in a particular way. For others, it might be a special, positive personality characteristic. Regardless, we tend to think that each of us seeks some trait or combination of traits that is completely different and distinct.

Beneath that, however, there are certain categories of features that we all consider when choosing a romantic partner. In other words, we all pick something unique, but after selecting from some standard types of partners and traits.

Therefore, by knowing the general categories people evaluate in a mate, you can make better specific selections with your own partners—and be more desirable to others, too.

 

Research on Human Mate Preference

The idea that there are universal ideals or dimensions in mate preference emerged from research by Fletcher and associates (Fletcher et al., 1999). In two studies, the team asked undergraduate students to list and then rate ideal romantic partner characteristics. Using factor analysis on the results, the researchers found three underlying dimensions that the participants considered when describing their mate preferences. 

• Warmth-Trustworthiness. This category contained descriptions such as: understanding, supportive, considerate, kind, good listener, sensitive, trustworthy, warm, affectionate, reliable, friendly, communicative, honest, mature, stable, romantic, broad-minded, easygoing, and self-aware.

• Vitality-Attractiveness. This category contained descriptions such as: adventurous, nice body, outgoing, sexy, attractive, good lover, attractive lifestyle, sporty, athletic, confident, independent, ambitious, interesting, spontaneous, good fun, sense of humor, and assertive.

• Status-Resources. This category contained descriptions such as: good job, financially secure, nice house/apartment, appropriate ethnicity, successful, dresses well, and appropriate age.

Further studies by Fletcher and associates (1999) confirmed and validated these three categories. In addition, they also showed a relationship between these categories and actual partner satisfaction: The more a partner matched an individual's ideals, the more positively the individual evaluated their current relationship.
 

Shackelford, Schmitt, and Buss performed another analysis of mate preference dimensions (2005). They re-analyzed an older data set, containing mate preference ratings provided for 18 characteristics by several thousand participants from cultures around the world. Although this research found some similar categorical results as Fletcher and team (1999) above, the larger data set seemed to indicate that preferences aligned on certain dimension of trade-offs as well, specifically:

• Love vs. Status/Resources. People make psychological trade-offs to seek out either a partner who is ambitious, has good financial prospects, and is of high status, or who is loving and attracted to them.

• Dependable/Stable vs. Looks/Health. Mate seekers also look for a lover who is primarily either stable and mature, or good looking and healthy.

• Education/Intelligence vs. Desire for Home/Children. Individuals pick a mate who is either more highly educated and intelligent, or more oriented toward desiring a home and children.

• Sociability vs. Similar Religion. Finally, people appear to either focus on finding a partner who has a sociable and pleasing disposition overall, or someone who has a similar religious background. 

 

Additional results showed that men and women often differ in how they resolve these trade-offs: Specifically, men regularly choose to look for a loving partner who is good looking and healthy, and wants a home and children. Women, in contrast, frequently prefer a mate who has status and resources, and is dependable, stable, educated, and intelligent. There was no gender difference in expressing a preference for sociability or religion. 

Identifying Your Ideals and Trade-offs

Given the research above, it seems that we all do consider the same general categories of features when choosing romantic partners. Nevertheless, each of us also has different preferences and makes individual trade-offs among those categories to meet our unique needs.

If you are unclear about what you want and need in a romantic partner, considering the categories and trade-offs above is a good place to start. Try to think about the following:

• Define ideal partner characteristics. First, consider what characteristics you prefer within the general categories above. Would you like your partner to have a generally pleasant personality, a more romantic nature, or an easygoing disposition? Do you find a nice body, an athletic look, or an assertive style beautiful or handsome? Do you want a partner to have the status or resources to give and invest in you too?

 

• Decide on preferences and trade-offs. Everyone has a different balance of features—and no one's approach is perfect. Therefore, it is important to decide which features are essential for your satisfaction, and which you like­ but could do without. Given the choice, do you want someone who cares for you emotionally, or provides tangible resources? Do you prefer they focus on a partner's physical health and attractiveness, or their mental health and stability? Should they spend their time on education and career achievement, or managing a loving home and caring for children? Would you rather a mate who is generally social and compatible, or who shares your deeper values and religious ideals?

• Assess yourself, too. Relationships are a trade and exchange. Therefore, potential partners will be looking for a match for their own ideals and making their own trade-offs, just like you. As a result, it is important to evaluate what you have to offer back to a partner: How have you made yourself attractive? What is positive and warm about your personality? What resources and skills do you have to share? Along the way, what trade-offs have you made in developing yourself as an individual and partner?

Overall, while we each desire a unique combination of features in a partner, we all choose from among the same basic categories and trade-offs. We work with those categories and compromises as we make choices about who we will also become as partners. Therefore, when considering what you want in a romantic partner and what you will give in return, it is helpful to keep those basic criteria in mind—and decide on the specifics from there.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201511/what-is-it-we-really-want-our-partners?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost 

An Age by Age Guide for What to Expect From Kids – And What They Need From Us

ZenParent

https://zenparent.in/parenting/age-age-guide-expect-kids-need-us

Whoa. That’s some detail. Very solid too. As adults, we’re quite likely to trivialise kids’ problems – we have more ‘important’ things to worry about. Well, they’re young, their world is young, their problems are young. And they need our help to navigate through it all, as Karen shows us.

Being a kid or a teen is not for lightweights – it’s tough out there! There are important things that need to be done, that only they can do. The nature of these jobs depends on the developmental stage they are at. Knowing what is normal behaviour for children and teens can help to smooth the path for everyone involved.

Even as adults, we can be prone to tantrums, tears and wanting to give the world (or particular people in it) an almighty spray sometimes. For the most part, we can hang to the dramatics and anything that might land us in trouble, but even with all of our experience, our fully developed brains, and our capacity to see around corners, it’s hard some days. Imagine what it’s like for our kids.

Understanding what our kids are wrestling with and the developmental goals they are working towards will make their more ‘frustrating’ behaviours easier to deal with. Things will run smoother if we can give them the space and support they need to do whatever it is they need to. Of course, none of this means the total surrendering of boundaries around what’s okay and what isn’t in terms of behaviour. What it means is responding with greater wisdom, clarity and with more appropriate consequences. Life just gets easier for everyone when we are able to take things less personally.

Here are some important developmental stages and the difficult behaviour that might come with them. You’ll often find that their behaviour, though unruly and baffling at times, is completely normal and a sign that your child is flourishing and making his or her way through childhood or adolescence exactly as they are meant to.

The ages of the stages are just a guide. When checking to see whether your kids are on track, read the stages around the actual age of your child. The progression through the stages is more important than the age at which this happens. As long as kids are moving through the stages, it doesn’t matter if they get there slower than other kids. 

Infants & Babies (0-12 months).

• Everything will go in the mouth – hands, feet, food, toys, shoes – you name it.
  

• If they are crying, there is something they need – a sleep, a cuddle, food, changing. They don’t yet have the words to communicate, but crying is a spectacularly effective way for baby humans to get big humans to move mountains for them. One of the beautiful things about babies is that they will never ask for more than they need.
  

• Wary of strangers and might get upset when familiar people aren’t close by.
  

• Babies will stare. They love faces and will stare at faces in real life, in books and in mirrors. Oh to be at an age where staring at other people is socially acceptable – and cute.

The support they need.

Babies have an important job to do – they need to learn whether or not they can trust the world and the people in it. For their part, they will work hard to give you the opportunities to show them how safe and secure they are. They might not have much of a vocabulary but they are masterful little communicators when it comes to letting you know when something isn’t quite right. Be consistently attentive to their needs so they can feel the world as a safe and secure one for them. Feed them when they are hungry, comfort them when they are scared, cuddle them when they need to be with you. This will form the foundation for their exploration of the world, their independence, their confidence and self-esteem and their relationships. 

1-2 years.

• Will become more interactive.

• No understanding of intentionality – they see, they do without thinking about why or what it means. For example, when they bite, it is not to hurt, when they grab toys from other kids it’s not to cause upset, it’s to … well, everyone knows that things are for grabbing, right. Or eating.

• Will follow their curiosity and will pull things down or apart to see what happens. Ditto with throwing anything onto the floor.

• Not developmentally able to share.

• Might seem bossy and selfish, but keep in mind that anything they are interested in or considers to be theirs will be seen as an extension of themselves. Of course nobody else is entitled to take it!

• Beginning to understand possession, and developing a strong sense of self.

• Two of their favourite words to say, ‘Mine!’ and ‘No!’

• Two of their least favourite words to hear, ‘Mine!’ and ‘No!’

• Will often wake during the night.

• Towards the end of this stage, they may become more defiant as they start to experiment with their independence. May tantrum because they become frustrated by their lack of words and their lack of ability to communicate.

• Tantrums will also be driven by their experience of big emotions (frustration, anger, sadness, shame) that they don’t have the words for.

• Will be more likely to play alongside other kids, rather than with them.

The support they need.

• Their attention span is still fairly short, so use distraction to direct them away from what you don’t want them to be doing.

• When you give them a new rule or direction, it’s likely that the old one will be forgotten. Sometimes you will love their short attention span. Sometimes you won’t.

• Be positive when you see them doing the right thing.

• Start letting them know the things that aren’t okay.

• Ignore the small stuff. There’s so much to learn so it’s best not to overload them. Let them get used to the important things first.

• Your child will be starting to understand what you are asking but for the sake of your own sweet sanity, let go of the expectation that they will do as you ask. Keep asking and guiding, but don’t take it personally if it doesn’t happen straight up. Or at all.

• Be kind and gentle when correcting. They are doing their very best with what they have. If you ask for too much you might end up with a more anxious or more defiant or less confident three year old.

• Help them put words to what they are feeling, ‘It’s upsetting when you have to pack your toys away and you want to keep playing isn’t it.’ 

 

3 years old.

• Will experiment with independence. May lead to tantrums.

• Will want increased control. May lead to tantrums.

• Will become frustrated when disappointed. May lead to tantrums.

• May see an increase in tantrums.

• Will flip between wanting to be independent (‘I do it!’, or ‘by myself’) and wanting to be treated like a little person (‘carry me’ or ‘you do it’).

• Will form a special attachment to the word ‘no’ and will practice it often. Even when they might mean ‘yes’. (Ahhhh toddlers! Fortunately, evolution has given them a profound capacity for cuteness while they are sleeping. This is important for those catastrophic events, such as when you miss the notification that sandwiches are now to be served as little triangles, not little squares as was previously deemed acceptable. If this happens, just go with it – you’ll need your energy for when they realise you haven’t bought the toothpaste with Elsa on the tube.)

• Might stutter or stammer.

• Will start to assert control over their environment by wanting to plan activities, do things by themselves, try challenging things.

• Might keep calling you back when they are put to bed.

• Might develop sudden fears and phobias.

• May confuse real and make believe, so may have one or a collection of imaginary friends.

• Still won’t understand sharing and will often assert ownership, ‘Mine!’.

• Might show jealousy when parent gives attention to other children.

The support they need.

• Write this down, ‘It won’t be like this forever’. Now stick it on your mirror where you’ll see it every day.

• Let them know when they do something well. They want to know that you’re happy with them and that they’re doing okay.

• Be gentle when they get it wrong. Your child wants to do the right thing but has things to do and places to be along the way. Don’t come down hard on mistakes – they’re still figuring it all out and they have a way to go. Treat mistakes as opportunities to teach them something valuable.

• Don’t have too many rules and be consistent with ones that you have. Too many rules and consequences that are all over the place will only confuse them and will set the monkey on your back. If you teach them that sometimes they can get away with it, they’re going to keep going. You’d worry if they didn’t.

• Use ‘no’ gently and in moderation. You want to encourage their exploration and experimentation with the world and their place in it. Guide them, but don’t take away their initiative. And don’t give them any more reason than they have to use it at you.

• Give them the freedom and space to play and encourage their experimentation with physical and imaginative play. Support their efforts to initiate play so they can feel their own capacity to influence their environment.

• Encourage decision making but limit choices (‘Would you like to have a bath first or choose your pyjamas first? Would you like to wear the red shirt or the yellow shirt today? Would you prefer corn or avocado with your dinner?’ And then, maybe when they’re bigger … ‘Would you prefer to make me a tea or a coffee?’ Oh let’s just indulge the glorious possibility of it all for a moment.)

• Don’t feel guilty about taking time out for yourself to recharge. The battles will be easier when you’re replenished.

• Have bedtime rituals. Bedtime at this age can be exhausting for everyone. Have a ritual and let it be lovely for both of you – a story, a cuddle, a spray of lavender around the room, a kiss, and the words, ‘Love you. Night Gorgeous Boy,’ – or something.

4 years old.

• Will start to be critical and will define the world in simple terms. Things and people will be right or wrong, good or bad, nice or not nice.

• They will start to realise the power of their words and will sometimes use them to get their way or to control others. Their command of language will still be loose, so they will often back up what they are saying with actions (hitting, pushing, grabbing) or non-verbals (tone, volume, facial expressions, posture/stance).

• Will become competitive.

• Will still blur reality and fantasy sometimes. Might tell lies, extravagant stories, or have imaginary friend/s.

• Still building their sense of self and experimenting with independence, so might be stubborn, defiant and bossy.

• Will do all sorts of things to avoid bedtime.

• Might have bad dreams.

• Might develop a fear of the dark or become anxious thought of being separated from parent or caregiver.

• Will start to enjoy playing with other kids rather than simply alongside them.

• Will test their limits with you but will still be keen to please and help you out when they can.

The support they need.

• When you set rules, talk to them about why the rules are important. They are curious and developing their ideas about how the world works. It doesn’t mean they’ll ‘get it’ straight away, or that they’ll comply.

• Keep your requests simple.

• They desperately want to make you happy. Let them know whenever you see good behaviour.

• Don’t argue with a four year old. Just don’t. They’ll out-do you any day and if they don’t have the words or a sound argument, they’ll just keep asking ‘why’.

• When it comes to less-than-impressive behaviour, ask what happened but don’t ask why they did it. Asking ‘Why did you do that?’ will just encourage a lie because the boundary between fantasy and reality in the world of a four year old is very – very – loose.

• When they do something wrong, apply gentle consequences but explain why the behaviour is wrong and that you know they can do better next time. They need to know you believe in them – they will do as you do.

• Be consistent. If you don’t think it’s always important to enforce a rule, your child will, understandably, think it’s not won’t always important to follow it.

• Encourage their independence but remember they are still young. Let them be little people when they are stressed or tired.

• Give them lots of kisses and cuddles, even though they are ‘big people now.’

Five years old.

• Will understand the importance of rules but might divert from the rules when playing. Rules tend to be ‘flexible’ – for them at least.

• May accuse others of cheating if they don’t win a game.

• Will start to show empathy and an understanding that other people might have points of view that are different to their own.

• Will be able to share but might still find it difficult, especially when it comes to their special things.

• Might be afraid of failure, criticism and spooky things like ghosts or monsters.

• Attention span will start to increase which will impact on the type of discussions you are able to have with them.

• Might come across as being an ‘expert’ on everything.

• Will enjoy joking around and will start to develop ‘potty’ humour.

• Will be looking to make their own decisions, particularly around what to wear and what to eat.

• If starting at school, might be moodier, more sensitive or more tired than usual. It’s exhausting having to sit still and concentrate for long periods.

The support they need.

• Encourage anything that will get your child moving, particularly if it is in a group or a team with others. This will help your child to develop important skills like taking turns, getting along with others, working together, negotiating, compromising, and winning or losing graciously.

• Set aside time each day to play with your child or spend one on one time together. This will give your child the opportunity to let you into their world, which will always be one of the best places to be. From here you can get a feel for what is going on in their beautifully flourishing minds.

• Start to expand your child’s emotional literacy by naming and discussing feelings.

• Connect rewards to responsibilities. ‘How about you help me clear the table and then you can have dessert?’

• Continue to keep rules simple and try not to have too many.

 

Six years old.

• It’s pretty likely that they will know a lot more than you. Just ask them.

• May start tantruming again.

• Can start to test the limits but will still want to please you and help out.

• Will seek praise for their school work and for the good things they do.

• Will seek to master new skills and to feel competent.

• Might worry about being away from you.

The support they need.

• Encourage their efforts and acknowledge when they have worked hard.

• Encourage effort over outcome to help them develop a growth mindset and a strong self-belief in their capacity to achieve.

• Ensure they get the support they need if they are struggling at school.

• Avoid overpraise or meaningless praise and let them know that they are special, but so are other people.

 

Seven years old.

• Might tend towards complaining, usually about their parents or the rules, but also about friends and other kids.

• Will feel misunderstood by many.

• Can be dramatic about school, friends or life in general.

• Will try to use words to talk about how they are feeling but may become frustrated and angry when they are upset.

• Will be becoming more aware of what other people think.

The support they need.

• Listen and validate what they are feeling and know that you don’t need to fix their problems.

• Discuss how they might solve the things that are causing them trouble. Give them space and encouragement to come up with their own ideas.

• Don’t be drawn into the dramatics.

• Don’t immediately think that things are a mess because they are saying they are.

• Jump on the positive.

Eight years old.

• Will want you to think the way they do and will have little tolerance for your difference of opinion.

• Will be very sensitive to what you think of them.

• Will often fight with the mother.

• There won’t be a lot of grey. Things will be black or white, right or wrong, good or bad.

• This tendency to think in absolutes might cause a little trouble with friendships. Take comfort in knowing that yours won’t be the only small person struggling with this. They’ll be okay – this is the part where they learn about friendships and how to get along with people.

The support they need.

• When you’re praising their good behaviour, be clear about what it is they have done.

• Avoid arguing whenever you can. With their black and white thinking, an argument will just mean that someone is right (them) and someone is wrong (you). Instead, ask them to explain their point of view and encourage them to see things from different angles.

• Spend plenty of time together to cement the relationship for the pull away that is coming at adolescence.

Nine years old.

• Friends will start to be more important than parents, and this will continue through adolescence.

• What their friends think will start to become more and more important.

• Will narrow the friendship field by having closer friendships, but less of them.

• Will share jokes and secrets with friends.

• Will push against rules and directions and may disrespect you.

• Will be able to be loving and silly but will also develop the capacity to be selfish, argumentative and abrasive.

What to do.

• Provide them with opportunities for independence and to make their own decisions.

• Avoid being too bossy or directive.

• Encourage them to start thinking about things from another point of view, ‘What would so-and-so say about that?’ ‘How do you think she felt when that happened?’

 

Ten to eleven years old.

• The tantrums of childhood will be calming down by now. Enjoy it because adolescence has heard that you’re relaxing and it’s on its way.

• Might still argue about rules and the necessity and detail of them.

• Will try to explain away misbehaviour through excuses and justifications. They will fight hard to find the loophole in the rule.

• Promises become important and they will remember EVERYTHING – except when it’s their turn to take out the rubbish.

What to do.

• Don’t make promises you won’t be able to keep. Once they have something on you, they have you.

• Avoid arguing with them whenever you can. They will often have an argument for everything. Hear what they have to say, make your decision, then pull out.

• Let them push against you in safe ways – let them try different things, express their own opinions, and make their own decisions when appropriate.

• Know where your boundaries are and be ready to implement consequences when they make a bad decision. Make the consequence about their behaviour, not about who they are.

Adolescence

• Friends will be more important than family. You’re still important, but there’s something they have to do – find who they will be when they step into the world as a healthy, independent adult. Just like you had to do at their age.

• What their peers think of them will be a source of stress to them for a while, peaking for girls at age 13 and for boys at age 15. They might go to extra lengths to try to fit in with their peers. This might involve making silly decisions or putting themselves in risky situations. Breathe. It will end.

• They will become more argumentative and will push against you more. This is perfectly in keeping with their adolescent adventure and their experimentation with independence.

• May become more emotionally distant from you (don’t worry – they’ll come back but maybe not until they leave their teens).

• Might not want to be seen in public with you – however cool you are.

• Will experiment with their image, their identity, and the way they are in the world.

• They may become sexually active.

• They might be impulsive and they might start taking risks.

• They will be more creative and will start to think about the world in really interesting, different ways.

• They will act like your opinion of them doesn’t matter but it does – as much as ever.

• They will often misread your emotional expressions – reading anger, hostility or disappointment when you feel nothing like any of that.

• Their sleep cycle will change. Their circadian rhythm will move them about three hours past where they were as kids. This means that they will fall asleep three hours past the time they used to and unless they are completely exhausted, it will be biologically very difficult for them to fall asleep earlier. They will need about 9-10 hours sleep so will need to sleep in for later.

• Will want to make their own decisions about the things that affect them.

What to do.

• Don’t be judgemental or critical – they need your love and connection more than ever.

• Understand that they need to find their independence from you. Give them the space to do this. Over time, their values will be likely to align with yours.

• Know that your teen isn’t rejecting you, but is finding their own way in the world – it’s an important, healthy part of being an independent adult – even if it feels bad.

• Let go of control and go for influence. The harder you fight to control them, the harder they will push against you. The truth is that when it comes to adolescence, we have no control – they will decide how much they involve you in their lives, how much they tell you, and how much influence you have. Make it easy for them to come to you when something happens or when they need guidance.

• Give them information, but don’t lecture.

• You may or may not know when they start to become sexually active, so it’s important that they have the information and guidance they need to stay physically and emotionally safe. See here for an age by age guide for what they need to know.

• Don’t buy into arguments – ask them to state their case and talk to you about the pros and cons of what they want. By nature, teens will overstate the positives and underestimate the negatives. Encourage them to tell you some of the cons – nothing is ever black or white.

• Be the calming force – breathe and wait for the wave to pass over you. It takes 90 seconds for an emotion to be triggered, to peak and to start to fade, provided you don’t do anything to give it oxygen.

• Help them to plan ahead and see around corners, but without judgement.

• Encourage their social connections and give them space to strengthen their relationships. An important part of their development is to decrease their independence on the family tribe and to do this. To do this, they will feel an increased need to strengthen their affiliation with a friendship tribe. Encourage and support this wherever you can.

• Help them find safe ways to take risks such as sports – competitive and non-competitive.

• Let them know you will always do whatever you can to collect them from any situation when they want to come home – regardless of the circumstances and how late or far away it might be.

• Let nothing be off limits when it comes to what they can talk to you about.

• Wherever possible, let them sleep in to catch up on sleep deficits.

• Listen more than you talk.

And finally …

Know that along the way from infant to adult, there are some important things that need to be done. There are things to learn, mistakes to be made, boundaries to be pushed, independence to be found. It will be a beautiful, exhausting, baffling, sometimes terrifying, sometimes overwhelming, sometimes traumatic adventure for everyone. Be patient and don’t take their opportunities to learn and grow away from them by taking their mistakes and their less than ideal behaviour personally. Their greatest growth will come from the mistakes they make and the boundaries that they push up against.

Even with the strongest supports in place, they are going to make mistakes – sometimes spectacular ones! Provided they have the support they need, their mistakes will be about their growth, not your parenting.

For our part, it is important that we are there with love, nurturing and a steady hand to guide them and with boundaries for them to feel the edges of themselves against. Understanding what is normal behaviour for children and teens will make this easier. Growing up is a journey of learning, exploring and experimenting – for them and for us.

 

Source: Hey Sigmund