11 Ways Dehydration Is Making You Fat, Sick, And Tired

On the day we’re born, 73% of our body weight is water. People who are sick and overweight often are as little as 45% water by weight. An average, healthy adult male is about 65% water. Women are slightly more. Do you see the problem? Some studies have pointed to 3 in 4 Americans as being chronically dehydrated. It makes sense that obesity and poor health impacts approximately the same percentage of people.

What is it exactly that we can expect from chronic dehydration? Not drinking enough water results in skin disease, poor digestive performance, kidney diseases, and even chronic fatigue and headache. You may think that it’s just water, but this is absolutely no joke.

Doing things like drinking 16 ounces of water first thing in the morning (not chugging, but drinking) helps normalize blood pressure and get our internal organs working properly. My rule of thumb is always to drink an ounce of water for every pound of body weight you have. Of course, do not chug 150 ounces of water. You lose water all day through urination, bowel movements, and breathing. So you need to spend all day replenishing that water. Ending your chronic dehydration will do wonders for your overall health. Trust me, you’ll feel like a million bucks. But here are 11 things to watch out for:

I Don’t Want My Relationship To Be Perfect, I Want It To Be Worth It

Paul Hudson

There’s a good chance you’ll never find the love of your life. There’s also a good chance you won’t spend your life with the love of your life. Half of the people in the world don’t end up with the people they wantto end up with.

This may seem like an odd statement, as countless couples get married every single year. But to get a better understanding of reality, you need to look at all the other factors at play.

According to the US Census Bureau, roughly 40 percent of first-time marriages end in divorce. If you’re thinking that’s all right because you’ll have better luck next time, you should probably know that consecutive marriages only increase the likelihood of ending in divorce.

I’m sure that you’re still thinking that you know plenty of couples that have been married for years and are still together.

Well, keep in mind that the average length of marriages that end in divorce is eight years. So just because they’re still together after five or six years doesn’t seem to mean much.

Despite that, there are many marriages that do go the length — or at least we’ve heard of them. If 40 percent of first-time marriages end in divorce, then 60 percent don’t.

The problem with this statistic is that not every couple that remains married is happily married.

Finding a trustworthy statistic of unhappily married couples that stick it out to the end is difficult, so I won’t throw out a number.

Yet, I think that we can all agree that there are a good amount of individuals who remain married even though they don’t love their partner, and don’t want to be married to them.

Regardless of what this number may be, you still have over a 40 percent chance of not ending up happily married. That’s a very high probability when you consider how important just about every single person in the world believes finding a life partner to be.

The good news is that the glass is half-full. For every person who ends up alone, one ends up happily married. So what differentiates those who end up happily married from those who end up alone and miserable?

Those who end up alone either are, or at one point were, complete schmucks.

I don’t think there is any other word for it. Anyone — and I mean, anyone — can find a person to love and be loved by in return. Every single person on this planet has that ability. Yet, so many of us end up alone.

We either don’t appreciate a good thing when we find it — either we don’t understand what we’ve found or we expect to find something better down the road — don’t bother looking hard enough or smart enough, don’t put in the work to make ourselves appealing enough to the right persons, or we search for something perfect, not understanding that perfect doesn’t exist.

Like I said, schmucks. 

We’re all too good for everyone else. We’re special — we must be because it’s us. We only get to see the world from our own eyes, so we must matter. We must be important. We deserve only the best. Weblah, blah, blah. Most people in the world don’t deserve to find a great partner because they aren’t great people.

What could you all possibly be thinking? If you’re not worth keeping around then why would anyone worth keeping around want to keep youaround?

All the other people in this world believe they are just as special as you are — so they don’t plan on settling either. They’re most likely also looking for perfect. Perfect… such a beautiful and ugly word. It was once something that was strived for. Now it’s something we all want to either buy, or to be given. We feel deserving of perfection when, in reality, no one is.

I don’t want perfect. What I want is someone who’s striving toward some form of perfection — not complete perfection — but perfection in some sense of the word. I want someone who wakes up every morning and wants to better herself and the entire world, too.

I want someone who understands that perfection is something you must work for every single day; someone who understands that even working toward perfection every single day will never allow them to attain that perfection.

It’s very important to find a life partner who understands this — who understands that perfection is to be forever strived for and never attained. This is the only type of individual who makes an amazing partner, because this is the only type of individual who will continuously work on your relationship and your life together, and never give up on you.

More importantly, this is the only type of individual who will expect only the best from you while forgiving you when you make mistakes or fail. This individual is striving for the impossible and expects the same from you.

I don’t want perfect, and neither do you. What you really want is someone worth it. And the only type of individual who’s worth spending your life with is the type who’s willing to create perfection with you, knowing that you’ll both beautifully fail.

But you’ll fail together, and that’s the only thing that matters in the end.

Do the names we use for sex reflect how intimate we really are?

Linda and Richard Eyre

It is remarkable how many different names we have in our modern English language for human physical intimacy. They run the gamut from beautiful, joy-suggesting names to ugly, exploitive terms and even words that we use for cursing. Perhaps the words we use have some influence on how we actually feel about sex.

Is it love that we want?

We love the phrase "making love." As we mentioned in an earlier article, intimacy can actually create an increase of affection, a multiplying of love and commitment.

"Intimacy" is also a wonderful term in itself, suggesting total trust and total sharing.

Other terms, however, connote opposite thoughts or meanings. Let's take, for example, the term "having sex". It's the common phrase we use now. We don't pause at all when saying it, but when you stop to think about the actual phrasing, it's no wonder that sex seems to have become something far removed from actual love.

The term "having sex" suggests the satisfying of a selfish appetite and depicts sex as an itch that needs to be scratched or as some kind of commodity you can "have" like a candy bar. It would be a worse name only if it was changed to "taking sex."

But the terminology gets worse: As we move even further down the list of the names we use for intimacy, we come first to slang and then to the ugliest and most demeaning swear words.

When we think of it (as we don't do often enough) it is astounding that we use the exact same words to describe sexual intimacy, as we do to express rage, criticism or derision.

Substituting the more beautiful and positive names for the obscene names points out how big the difference is. You wouldn't yell out in anger, "Oh love!" And you wouldn't put someone down or verbally abuse a person by saying "Intimacy you!"

What's in a name?

Maybe the reason there is such a light-to-dark variation in names is that there is such an equally wide variation in what the name describes. Sex can be the most beautiful thing in the world or the ugliest.

The factors that seems to create the dividing point between the positive, beautiful names and the negative, ugly ones is the level of commitment and the degree of selfishness and unselfishness that are involved.

When sex is about showing devotion and about wanting the other person to feel adored and fulfilled, it is best described as "making love."

When it is about lust and self-satisfaction and giving ourselves what we need, it is more appropriately named "having sex."

And when it is exploitive, forced or violating, the most accurate names also happen to be curse words and profanity.

Can you change your love life?

Benjamin Whorf, a linguist in the early 1900's coined the term "linguistic relativity" and argued that our language and choice of words shapes how we think about the world. And Guy Deutscher explains in his book Through the Language Glass that a small change in vocabulary may have an immense influence in your attitude toward the world.

Maybe if we change the names we give to sex it will also change our attitudes and our perceptions. And maybe if enough of us do so, little miracles might happen, like vulgar sexual words no longer being the most commonly used expletive in our societies language!

Maybe the intimacy within our marriages will become more intimate—physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually—if we talk about it in more beautiful terms and if we think about it in more committed and unselfish ways.

Love Harder: What It Means To Be The Vulnerable One In A Relationship

Paul Hudson

Vulnerability is a necessary part of loving relationships. It’s the one thing that allows for mutual trust to fully develop, however, this is only the case when both parties allow themselves to be vulnerable to the other.

As luck would have it, most relationships have one party feeling much more vulnerable than the other.

Being the vulnerable one in a relationship can be difficult. Not just because of what it allows or doesn’t allow for, but also because it’s difficult to cope with. Being vulnerable and being the only one vulnerable just adds to your vulnerability.

Most of all, it can be incredibly difficult to understand what the way you are feeling means.

You were the first one to fall in love.

People are very complex – but thankfully, their complexity is mimicked by countless others.

It often feels like the emotions and thoughts we’re experiencing are unique, that they have never been experienced by anyone before, but the truth is, what you feel has been and will be felt by countless others.

Of course, no two emotions a single person feels are exactly alike, so therefore, neither will two emotions felt by two separate individuals be identical.

Nevertheless, there are patterns to be found in the way human beings experience emotions. Most interesting are the emotions we experience when we’re falling in love.

Vulnerability is a necessary part of loving an individual. For you to love someone, you’ll need to pull down your walls and allow this person in. You need to show him or her the person only you know yourself to be.

What this does is make us vulnerable. It makes us vulnerable to judgment, ridicule, to the possibility you may scare him or her away. If you’re the first one to feel vulnerable, then you’re most likely the first one to have fallen for the other.

But don’t worry, no one ever said true love manifests in both parties simultaneously. Sometimes, you just have to give it a little time.

You are the more sensitive one – especially when it comes to his or her seeming insensitivity.

If you are the only one vulnerable in the relationship, then there’s a good chance you’re going to make life more difficult for yourself than it necessarily has to be.

Let me explain: If you are the only one feeling vulnerable, and you know you’re the only one feeling vulnerable, then you’re most likely going to worry about getting hurt. And justifiably so, as love wouldn’t be love without the possibility of heartbreak.

You’re likely going to take your partner’s coolness and inability to read your mind as him or her not caring enough or being sensitive enough to the way you’re feeling. Of course, this is a silly thought, but people in love are often very silly.

Just because you know you’re feeling vulnerable doesn’t mean your lover knows you’re feeling vulnerable. Now, I know this may seem like a crazy idea… but why not talk to your partner and let him or her know how you’re feeling?

I know it’s scary, but just because you opened yourself up doesn’t mean your partner necessarily realizes you’re open – some people are oblivious to such things.

You have more to lose.

This is an unfortunate truth. If you’re the vulnerable one in the relationship – and are the only vulnerable one – you have more on the line to lose.

It’s always during this sweet spot, the point in the relationship when one person begins to fall for the other, that we have no choice but to put ourselves out there.

Most people spend the majority of their earlier years doing their best to shield themselves, to build a fortress around themselves – in other words, to keep people out.

Then comes a time when we realize the fortress we’ve built is awfully lonely. So the only thing we can do is begin to trust people, begin to allow them in and hope they respect us and all we’ve kept locked up and hidden.

There is a high chance of you getting hurt.

Risk wouldn’t be risk if there weren’t a chance of losing, of feeling hurt. I know most people like to ignore this possibility, pretending like it doesn’t exist.

Ignorance is most certainly bliss, but this isn’t you remaining ignorant; this is you pretending like you don’t know what you know. It’s an inability to deal with reality.

If you are making yourself vulnerable, then there is a chance of getting hurt. In fact, it’s almost guaranteed – being that vulnerable makes the smallest prick feel like a stab wound. Just keep in mind that with the larger the risk, comes the greater the reward.

The more you open yourself up to another, the deeper you’ll be capable of falling in love. This doesn’t guarantee things will work out between the two of you, but it does remove friction.

And if you do get hurt, you learn whatever lessons are to be learned and bring them with you into your next relationship. You live on and move on.

You have to accept your position and move past all the negative possibilities that haunt your thoughts.

If you’re feeling vulnerable, then accept that as the way you are feeling. It can be a little scary, but it’s also exciting.

Cherish this moment because it is one of the best moments human beings experience in their lives – the moment of choosing to be vulnerable.

The most difficult part is going to be maintaining a grip on your reality. Being vulnerable does cause us to worry. It causes us to imagine unlikely yet possible events that, were they to come to fruition, would devastate us.

The human mind is a powerful thing, but all that power can be difficult to control. Sometimes our thoughts run away from us. We lose control and begin thinking dark thoughts.

It’s such thinking that often leads to ruined relationships. Sometimes the only thing between a successful relationship and a failed one is your mental capacity for remaining focused on only the future and reality you wish to be a part of.

You’re utterly and completely in love.

There will be times in your life when you feel vulnerable, and there will be nothing you can do about it. In fact, that’s almost always how love starts out.

The reason people have built societies around the concept of love is – in large part – because it feels as if it is out of our control. We say we can’t help who we fall in love with.

We feel this way because when we first fall in love, we feel a sort of vulnerability. This need for another person develops and scares us.

If we need people, then we are necessarily dependent on them. And if we are dependent on them, then we are vulnerable to their influences.

Yet, this sort of love is rather shallow. Falling in love feels amazing because it is out of our control, however, it isn’t true love.

It isn’t the love that books, philosophies, religions, cultures, societies have been built upon. To love someone in such a way, you have to take control of it. You have to take responsibility for it. You have to be vulnerable because you’re choosing to be vulnerable.

When you do that, and your lover does the same, it transforms your relationship and the world you see.

9 prayers to God that will make your marriage blossom

If your marriage is struggling, invite God to be a part of it. It just might make all the difference.

Tiffany Fletcher

To get any marriage to flourish, invite God to be a part of it. God will do all he can to help your marriage. All that is required of you is to ask him for it. These nine things you can plead to God for in prayer that can help your marriage.

1. God's guidance

Not only does God see the bigger picture, but he knows your heart and the heart of your companion. He knows what both of you need and what you desire. He knows your weaknesses and your strengths. He knows your thoughts and your motivations.

God has all the knowledge you need to help your marriage. If you ask for his guidance, he can help you know the steps to take to help strengthen your relationship with your spouse. Ask for God's guidance and listen to his spirit before making your decisions.

2. An increase of strength

You do not have to rely on your own strength to withstand the difficulties that may come in a marriage. God strengthens and helps you accomplish whatever task is required. He can give you the courage to have a difficult conversation, the strength to care for an ill spouse, and the ability to overcome heartache. God can give you the strength to rise above whatever conflicts or trials make their way into your marriage.

3. An understanding heart

Many conflicts arise in marriage because of a lack of understanding. It is difficult to put ourselves in the place of another because we are not them. We do not think like they do and we have not had the experiences that have shaped their perceptions. Because of this, it is important that when we are asking God for help, we ask him to give us an understanding heart. We need the ability to understand our spouse so we are more able to relate to them.

4. Wisdom

Wisdom is not just having knowledge; it's being able to make good judgments. Because we are human, we are constantly making judgments. Sometimes, those judgments are unfair because they are based on our perceptions rather than actual reality.

In marriage, it is important that we gather all the facts before we make any judgment calls. This requires real communication with your spouse where you're not afraid to be honest and open with one another. Open communication will give you knowledge and as you pray for wisdom, you will be able to use that knowledge to make good and fair judgments calls.

5. A spirit of peace

Contention can destroy any marriage. Asking God for a spirit of peace will help give you the ability to face conflict without the contention. It will give you the desire to correct the problem without wanting to seek revenge or hurt your partner. When you face contention with a spirit of peace, you're better at listening. You also give your companion the same opportunity.

6. A disposition to see good

When you are living with someone, it is easy to start seeing all their faults. It is difficult, however to see the good qualities of a person if you are constantly focusing on the bad. Ask God to help you see the good in your spouse. The good qualities become your focus and the things that annoy you tend to get smaller and smaller. Just like the lens on a camera, what you are focused on becomes your reality.

7. An attitude of gratitude

Showing gratitude for your spouse is one of the greatest things you can do for them. Everyone loves to feel important to someone and as you show your gratitude for your spouse, you are letting them see exactly what they mean to you. Ask God to help you show gratitude, not only for who they are, but for what they do for you. Not only will you strengthen your relationship, but you will live a happier life.

8. A willingness to forgive

In every marriage, there are going to be times when your spouse is going to do something that you are going to have to forgive him for. There are also going to be times when you are going to require the same forgiveness from him. The truth is, if you want your spouse to forgive your weaknesses, it is important that you are willing to forgive his. Forgiving is not always easy, but if you ask God for help, you will have the ability to forgive and to be forgiven.

9. The capacity to love

Love keeps your marriage together. When everything around you seems to be falling apart, it is the love that you share with your spouse that will help you keep things together. You can overcome every obstacle together as long as there is love between you. When your marriage starts to struggle, ask God, above all, to help you love your spouse. If you feel the love is gone, ask God to help you get it back. Love doesn't just help the world go round; love is the heart of marriage.

God is ready and willing to help your marriage. With his help, you can not only strengthen your marriage, but you can change your life, and he's only a prayer away.

5 Facts about Stress (and 17 Ways to Deal with It)

By Lynn Somerstein, PhD, E-RYT

Americans are famous for being a hard-working bunch, taking the fewest paid vacation days off. I, for one, spent the summer studying advanced yoga therapy techniques on weekends, and working during the week, especially during the months of June and August. But I made sure to take some time off at the beginning and again at the end of the season so I could relax a bit, and I’m glad I did. Studying ways to help people relax is hard work, and it can be pretty stressful!

What did I learn at yoga school? I studied what happens to your body when it is subjected to relentless stress, and the importance of learning how to relax and let go. The stress response works great if you’re running away from a hungry tiger, but prolonged stress is bad for you because it weakens the body and the brain.

This is why:

1. Your adrenal glands pump adrenaline, which raises your heart rate, your blood pressure, and increases the amount of sugar in your blood. Your adrenal cortex sends out cortisol, part of the stress response. This helps you run fast when you’re escaping the tiger, but when it becomes habitual and there aren’t any tigers to run away from, it is destructive.

2. Stress kills brain cells; a calm environment permits their growth. It is not true that brain cells stop growing when you’re an adult, they just grow more slowly. So help them out and give them a nice place to live.

3. Stress is associated with depression and anxiety. No fun.

4. Your immune system doesn’t work as well as it should. Ah-choo!

5. The right amount of stress is beneficial, but too much is deadly

That’s why relaxation is as important as eating well and getting enough exercise and should be part of your regular health routine. It’s a way to take care of yourself and show yourself some love. So if it’s not a part of your usual day, you might want to think about adding it to your program. Don’t have much time? I bet you can find five or 10 minutes to call your own if you look hard.

Maybe your family is demanding. Make some demands of your own in return. You need a break just as much as anyone needs anything.

Working hard for a tyrannical boss? Find a way to make your work environment more pleasant. Look around and see if there’s some small thing you can do to make things better for you—adding a foot rest, for example, if your seat is too high for you, or wearing really comfortable shoes if you spend a lot of time on your feet.

One powerful relaxation technique is restorative yoga. Like all yoga, the sequence is based on bending forward, backward, sideways, and twisting. The difference is that these poses are held for a long time—five or even 10 minutes. You place yourself in a pose, child’s pose, for example, but your body is supported by bolsters so that you are in complete and absolute comfort.

I invite you to try the restorative version of child’s pose. Start child pose the usual way, but with the short end of a bolster in front of you, and then fold over it lengthwise so your body is supported by the bolster. There are many such adaptations of yoga poses you may already know. You can get DVDs that will show you how, but I think if you are able, it’s best to visit a class or two and learn directly from a teacher.

Finally, if you absolutely can’t stop the worried, anxious chatter in your brain and you’re always wired, consider seeing a therapist for some help.

Below are some of my favorite ways to relax. Like everyone, I need time out for myself, even if it’s only a few minutes. I don’t always feel like I have to respond immediately to help other people. I need to take care of myself first, and you do, too.

1. Take warm, relaxing baths.

2. Go for a walk in the park.

3. Water and admire your plants.

4. Fill the room with a lovely scent.

5. Take a yoga class, or give yourself one.

6. Meditate.

7. Read.

8. Listen to music.

9. Have a nice visit with someone.

10. Watch television.

11. Go swimming.

12. Breathe.

13. Give yourself enough time to do things, so you’re not always rushing.

14. Laugh. This is very important. Among other things, laughter opens up the airways and pumps fresh air into your lungs. Also, it’s fun.

15. Dance.

16. Jog.

17. Pet the cat, dog, or other pets.

I bet you have many other favorite ways to relax, things you enjoy doing. The secret is to remember to do them. Helping others helps with your stress, by the way, so why not post your favorite ways to relax and give us more ideas? (If you feel like it, that is!)

The Pain Of Loving Someone You Should Let Go Of, For The Both Of You

Paul Hudson in Dating

I met a woman once who changed my life. Without her, I couldn’t possibly be the person I am today. That’s what true love does to a person — it changes you and sets your life on a different track.

Some love stories do come with a happy ending, the two spending their lives together, growing old together, and departing this world together. In such instances, the change that they create for each other is clearly visible: without them spending their lives with each other, their lives wouldn’t be what they are.

What I came to learn is that regardless of whether or not you end up spending your lives together, when you find true love, it sticks with you. It changes you and continues to change you as the years go by.

True love can be overwhelming — especially if it’s your first time experiencing it. I remember how incredibly exciting it all was. Every waking moment was filled with loving and pleasant thoughts. The day was brighter. The world, more colorful. Life seemed to be more alive than it had ever been before.

It was the happiest I had been in my life and I am certain that I’m not the only person in the world who recalls a similar experience.

But it wasn’t the good times that left that lasting impression. Of course, I continue to revisit all those great memories from time to time… but it wasn’t the laughs and smiles that changed me most. It’s those more painful memories underlining the good times that changed my reality.

They say it’s better to teach with a carrot than a stick. Yet, though you may not be able to teach someone with pain or punishment, when you manage to inflict pain on yourself, you learn rather quickly.

The problem with the pain that comes from true love lost is that it takes time to form, to build upon itself and become realized. You don’t just break your heart and learn your lesson. Heartbreak itself doesn’t live in a single moment — hearts have the ability to chip and break apart almost infinitely.

What good does come from all this unpleasantry is the opportunity you get to learn more about yourself each passing day. As long as you’re honest with yourself — which can often be difficult — you’ll get an incredibly insightful look into the person you have become.

What this thankfully allows for is the chance to begin constructing the person you want to be. Love lost really does show you the real you.

It shows you what you need to work on and improve on before you’re ready to be a part of a loving and committed relationship. As with all great things, however, there comes a catch.

When you decide to change the way you see the world because of a man or woman you loved, the new reality you create for yourself has that individual imbedded in its framework.

Our minds form chains linking cause and effect — and the life you create for yourself literally ends up hanging on the fact that you were once incredibly in love. Without that love, the joy and pain it made you feel, you couldn’t possibly be the person you are today.

Somehow, while trying to move on with your life, you may find that you’ve managed to make the memory of that past love a permanent fixture.

One that you are forced to look upon indefinitely. You never come out of love unscathed — no matter how the relationship ends. It’s neither good nor bad, it simply is what it is. All you can do is try and find love again.

You know you need to let your past love go — for both of your sakes — and the only way you can possibly do that is to find another love. Your lost love will likely never entirely leave your mind, memories coming to the surface from time to time, but that’s not a bad thing.

The relationship you once had made you the better version of yourself you are today. You loved, you laughed, you cried, you changed your life. You don’t want to ever forget the past that taught you those necessary lessons.

Although it may take time, there is always hope to once again find love. New love has a way of shrouding older, lost loves. One day, that pain will hopefully turn into fond memories you can revisit with a smile and sense of nostalgia.

Is Your Relationship Real?

Why you need to be able to recognize, and avoid, "irrelationships."

Post published by Mark B. Borg, Jr., Ph.D, Grant H. Brenner, MD, and Daniel Berry, RN, MHAon Jul 24, 2014 in Irrelationship

"Just when I really needed her," Glen said, "Vicky disappeared. I tried so hard to take care of her, but she was gone. It didn't go up in flames or explode; the ending was just a dull thud. Maybe that was the worst part."

Vicky felt disappointed and abandoned, too. Both had hoped they had found love at last. And they tried hard to take care of each other, although Vicky's way—letting him always be the caretaker he needed to be—was perhaps less obvious than his. But all the caretaking in the world couldn't keep the relationship alive.

Maybe, as Glen hinted, an occasional conflagration or explosion would have helped.

Intimate, spontaneous, authentic relationships are risky—risky enough that many people hide from them in what we call irrelationships. Irrelationships are learned relational patterns that may haunt people whose childhood caregivers were unable to meet their emotional needs—and who may even have looked to the child to meet their own. Whenparents depend on a child for emotional sustenance—rather than spouses, friends, or other adults—caregiving and caretaking become confused with love. (For a fuller introduction, click here.)

An irrelationship is a pseudo-partnership. It may look intimate, but it's actually carefully constructed—usually without the participants' awareness—precisely to avoid the openness, spontaneity, and reciprocity that characterize true intimacy, while enforcing the relational rules and roles of early childhood. Both Glen and Vicky had unhappy, inattentive parents. In a desperate bid for the care they needed, they reversed roles and became caregivers themselves, trying to rescue, fix, or placate their parents sufficiently that their parents would at last be able to take care of them.

Irrelationship is not a syndrome, illness, or pathology. It's a dynamic—something that partners do together, a way of being with another person, although a severely limited way. It is controlled less by the caring that the partners have for each other than by their fears, and more by the constricting wish to avoid danger than by an expansive desire to connect and grow.

Irrelationship is a two-person psychological defense system, an active shield against the anxiety that comes with allowing someone—often a loved one—to be or become important in one’s life. It is a way for people to be alone in company, to conceal themselves when baring their souls feels too dangerous. In short, it is a way to hide out from love—and from all the threats that come with being intimate, vulnerable, and exposed.

Irrelationship protects those within it from the messy business of really relating, because while intimate connections promise caring, compassion, and empathy, they can make good on that promise only in a climate of emotional investment and risk-taking. Deep and meaningful engagement with a significant other is always unpredictable, so love isn't always safe. Irrelationship protects us from its dangers, but at a high price.

Irrelationship is a carefully scripted enactment of old relational rules meant to keep anxiety at bay. One party gives; the other takes. One performs; the other applauds. One saves; the other is rescued. One dictates; the other complies—although in truth both are equally slaves to the imperatives of their dynamic.

Love, which is never scripted, cannot grow under such conditions. Irrelationship doesn't make much room for wild cards like passion and desire. Even mutuality and intimacy are subjugated to the rules of engagement.

Within this general framework, however, each irrelationship is as unique as the couple that inhabits it.

How to Stay Married to a Lawyer

by Jeena Cho on April 13th, 2015

What are the challenges that come with marrying a lawyer and maintaining a happy marriage with a lawyer? Are there special rules or considerations when loving a lawyer?

I sat down with two therapists, Laura Freeman and Will Meyerhofer to help me figure this out. Freeman, a clinical psychologist in California, is in a unique position to share her insights and advice because she is married to a lawyer, Brian Freeman. Meyerhofer is a former Sullivan & Cromwell BigLaw refugee who went on to become a psychotherapist.

It is fair to say that both Freeman and Meyerhofer have many helpful thoughts on the subject of staying in a relationship with a lawyer.

Insight into the Lawyer World

First, let’s start by offering some insight for the non-lawyers into the lawyer world. When I asked Freeman what nonlawyers should understand about their lawyer-spouse’s world, she said:

One of the most prominent stressors I’ve noticed is that my husband constantly has people upset with him. There seems to be very little reward in the daily grind. He or she has clients who are hurting and confused, and they look to Brian to magically solve their ailments. Understandably, they are upset when he cannot fix their problems, or it takes a long time to fix their problems. Then, in court, he has opposing counsel and judges who seem to be upset with him (there probably isn’t anything personal there, but the nature of the courtroom is adversarial). So all day long, he deals with people being upset with him. It is like a glorified customer service representative position, which takes its toll on my husband.

Every lawyer can relate to this. Most clients do not visit lawyers to share happy news. Inevitably, they come to us with a problem, and the client wants the lawyer to make it go away. Often, the cases we are working on have a lot at stake. This pressure is extremely stressful because so much of what we are expected to do is completely out of our control. A lawyer can prepare day and night, work around the clock, try his or her absolute best, and still lose. But lawyers are expected to deliver a win regardless of the lack of control a lawyer has over opposing counsel, her client, the judge, and the jury.

Attorney Emilie Fairbanks explains it this way:

We work all the time. We think about work all the time. We are not good at being wrong. We are sore losers. We tend to be verbal and take up all the air in the room. We live in a world measured by winning and losing which colors your view of the rest of your life. We problem solve when empathy is needed. Many of us are secret introverts, protecting our precious alone time after days of fighting, just when our partners want our attention.

Lawyers, Know Yourself!

As a lawyer, you can take control of the stress and anxiety instead of letting it bleed into your relationships. One way you can do this is through mindfulness. The only way you are going to know your work life is having a negative impact on your love life is by having awareness. Awareness can only be gained by carefully paying attention to each moment. Moreover, in addition to awareness, we also need to practice acceptance.

Freeman explains:

When we stop trying to get rid of the stress (we stop fighting it; we stop hating and resenting it), and we simply accept that stress is there, and it’s not going anywhere anytime soon — that’s when we notice a reduction in the subjective experience of stress … It’s a paradox. Hate the stress = very stressed. Accept the stress = less stressed.

In other words, when you are feeling stressed, work on acknowledging and accepting rather than judging the experience. Acceptance and commitment therapy is an excellent type of therapy for this issue.

Meyerhofer also suggests you begin by becoming aware of the problem and approaching others with kindness. This awareness is the cornerstone of mindfulness practice. When you are in hyperdrive due to the stress from work — preparing for a trial, coming up for partnership, or facing deadlines — you can gently bring awareness and attention to your emotions.

Tips for the Non-Lawyer in Supporting a Lawyer

As the non-lawyer in the relationship, what can you do to help or support the lawyer you love?

Learn Empathy and Compassion

Like any relationship, empathy and compassion are key. Empathy is the ability to share and understand someone else’s emotions. Compassion is the ability to see the suffering of others together with the natural desire to help. Truly, one of the best gifts we can offer to our loved ones — and to any human being — is compassion and empathy. Freeman practices compassion and empathy by asking herself how she would feel in her husband’s shoes after arguing with people all day.

Recognize the Challenges

Meyerhofer says that lawyers can be very needy. They often come home emotionally drained from a long day at the office. Of course, even as a non-lawyer, you may also have had a terrible day. Both you and your lawyer partner should recognize the difficulties of each other’s work. A lawyer will often see his or her job as the hardest job in the whole world. Remind your partner that your work can be difficult and time-consuming too.

Be Supportive

Meyerhofer also says that lawyers will often suffer from mild forms of depression, which shows in the lack of appropriate emotional response. For example, when the partner at the firm says “this work is terrible, you aren’t even trying” after the lawyer pulled several all-nighters to do something that she has never done before or given appropriate guidance on, an appropriate response should be anger. However, lawyers will instead internalize these negative criticisms.

Again, it requires awareness to notice that your partner is overly harsh with himself. That he or she is holding themselves up to an impossibly high standard that no one can meet. Lawyers are often expected to be perfect and expect the same from themselves. But mistakes will and do happen. When mistakes do happen, be compassionate. Recognize that your partner is in pain and simply be there for him or her.

Finally, Meyerhofer suggests celebrating victories. Lawyers are often motivated by the stick rather than the carrot. When the lawyer lands that big client or finally gets the mergers and acquisition deal completed, give them a carrot and celebrate these wins. Tell him or her she did a great job. Offer genuine words of praise and support.

Self-Care is Your Responsibility

Of course, empathy and compassion must be mutual. You can only care for others as well as you are able to care for yourself. Which brings me to the next important topic: self-care.

Self-care is the mindset that we can only care for others if we care for ourselves. As is repeated on every airline safety video: Secure your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

Examples of self-care include exercise, mindfulness, proper sleep, nutrition, andvacations. Another key component to self-care is setting boundaries between your work and family responsibilities. Self-care doesn’t need to be extravagant or expensive. Treating yourself to small things that bring you pleasure such as reading a great book, going for a walk, or spending time in nature can make a huge difference.

Here’s how Freeman practices self-care:

I learned the hard way that during a busy day with multiple appointments, I must schedule a few minutes of time to myself every hour — a bathroom break, a walk around the building, 5 minutes to close my office door and not be disturbed, etc. Without those small breaks, my day doesn’t go well. Self-care can be big-scale like a vacation, or it can be small like taking a bathroom break.

It’s important to remember that self-care is something you can only do for yourself.You can certainly encourage each other by doing things as a couple that nourishes each of you. However, you can’t force your partner to exercise, eat right, or get enough sleep.

How to Engage in Conflict with a Lawyer

Many lawyers live in a world of constant conflict; therefore, it’s entirely possible that your lawyer partner is much more skilled at fighting than you are. However, the biggest difference is that at the office, lawyers fight on behalf of his or her clients so that they win. But in romantic relationships, “winning” the fight probably harms the relationship. While it may give the winner a temporary satisfaction, it will likely foster resentment and eventually escalate the conflict.

Freeman emphasises the need to be able to express emotions safely:

With couples, it’s essential for each person to be aware of and [be] able to express his/her own emotions in a safe and non-harmful way. Then, each person must hear the other’s perspective and show compassion for it.

Related to the idea of expressing emotions in a safe and non-harmful way, Meyerhofer adds what he calls “illegal remarks.” As a therapist, he is never supposed to tell someone what he or she is thinking. Similarly, don’t assume you know what your partner is thinking.

Meyerhofer recalls a partner at law firm saying things like “you’re not even trying” or “did you put any thought into this?” These are illegal remarks because the partner is assuming he knows how much effort or thought Meyerhofer put into his work. Of course, no one but Meyerhofer could know that. A more appropriate comment might be, “This work doesn’t meet my standard.”

Your thoughts are a very private place. No one can tell you what you are thinking or feeling. When you are engaged in conflict, be mindful of “illegal” remarks and don’t try to read your partner’s mind.

The Neediness of the Law

I recall a partner at a law firm telling me that the law is a very possessive mistress; I tend to agree. Most lawyers work too much.

There is no easy solution to this because lawyers earn a living by selling their time. When the goal is to maximize profit, it requires the lawyer to work as many hours as humanly possible.

Freeman offers this practical advice:

1. Take time each weekend to look at your calendars for the week.

2. Keep each other in the loop about how busy the week looks. This helps to set and adjust expectations.

3. Plan couple and family times each week even if it’s short and simple.

4. Make your relationship, marriage, and family a priority

Our careers are fulfilling and financially important, but we are replaceable at work. We’re not replaceable at home. So we take the time to plan when we can spend time with each other. It’s about priorities.

At the end of the day, if there are difficulties in your relationships and approach them with curiosity and gentleness. Also, recognize your own difficulty in being in the relationship. When things get tough, it is helpful to remind yourself that this difficult moment will pass.

5 Reasons Not To Marry the One You Love

By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D.

For many young girls, being a bride is the closest thing possible to living out childhood fantasies of being a princess. The wedding industry and bridal magazines collaborate in spinning the myth. Find the perfect prince, put on the perfect wedding pageant and live happily ever after. It’s an alluring story for almost everyone. How could it not be? For the unhappy, the alone, and the lonely it can be an intoxicating idea. Getting married can seem like the end of all a girl’s problems. Getting married can seem like a way to get a new start.

It doesn’t work that way. Marrying as a solution to painful circumstances almost never leads to a good and lasting marriage. Marriages that are a conscious or unconscious way out of a difficult situation don’t have the staying power that comes with mature love, shared values and a commitment to the future by two mature adults.

Here are my top five mistaken reasons that people marry:

1. To escape the family of origin.

Jackey’s parents are brutal. She hasn’t felt loved just about ever. Her mother is constantly critical. Her father scares her, especially when he drinks. Her younger sister seems bent on setting her up to be the target so she can fly under the radar of parental chaos. For Jackey, marrying her boyfriend as soon as they graduate from high school this June seems like a way out.

Yes, some families are abusive. Some parents don’t know how to love and protect. Some are so toxic that the only way to survive is to flee. But flight into an early marriage with a teenage sweetheart or just anybody who is willing isn’t a good enough foundation for a marriage. The fear that spurs flight can cloud a person’s judgment about who would really make a good partner. It’s easy to romanticize someone who offers an alternative to daily ridicule and pain.

2. Because it’s the next logical thing.

Tony and Melody have been dating since they were 14. Neither of them has ever dated anyone else or even considered it. They’ve been best friends and lovers through their teen years, went to the same college, and have been talking for years about what kind of house they’d like to have someday and what their kids’ names will be. Tony’s parents adore Melody. Melody’s parents think Tony is a fine match for their daughter. It only makes sense for them to get married. Or does it?

Neither Tony nor Melody has a clue about who they are without the other. They have never tested themselves as individuals; never been anywhere or done anything significant that didn’t involve the other. Sometimes couples like them can last. But often enough, the growing up that happens in the 20s means growing apart. As they enter careers that introduce them to new people and new experiences, one or the other of them may well begin to wonder if they would make the same choice now as they did when they were 14.

3. To fix the other person.

Joey and Maryanne agree on one important thing: He needs fixing. He needs her. He feels empty and desperate without her. He says he will die if she leaves him. He has even threatened suicide if she tries. She has an idea that she can rescue him and that she gives meaning to his life. That idea gives meaning to hers.

Neither of these people has a strong sense of self or life goals they are passionate about. The intensity of their relationship consumes them and distracts them from finding and maintaining good friends or good work. They are each other’s everything. What they fail to understand is that by being so wrapped up in the drama of “saving” him, neither one of them is developing personally into the adult they could be. It’s unlikely that Maryanne can “save” Joey when Joey doesn’t really want to stand on his own feet. A marriage created on these terms is likely to be disastrous for them both.

4. To legitimize sex.

Angie and Nick both come from deeply religious families. Angie pledged she would stay pure until marriage. Nick agreed that it was very important to wait until their wedding to have sex. But a combination of hormones and alcohol overtook those good intentions. They had sex. They liked it. They rationalized continuing to be intimate but the guilt that came with it made them both miserable. To them, getting married makes going against their own values at least a little okay. Never mind that they each had some doubts about the relationship before they fell into bed with each other. Never mind that they each still kind of blame the other for what happened. Those seeds of doubt and blame are likely to fester and grow. Marriage may make them feel less guilty about having sex but it won’t resolve other issues that undermine their relationship.

5. To avoid being alone.

Robyn is terrified. She’s always had a boyfriend since she was 13. She has dated a number of guys but always had someone new lined up before she ended a relationship. Now 22, she’s just been dumped by the most recent boyfriend for being too needy. A demanding project at work has meant long hours at the office and no time to look for someone new. She hates being alone in her apartment at night. She doesn’t know what to do with herself on weekends. She feels empty and scared. She’s tried calling her ex but he’s put off by her tears. She’s running through her files for someone, anyone, who can fill up the hole in her life. She’s likely to fall into marriage with the first guy who shows interest just so she’ll never have to feel this way again.

Marriage does provide a partner in life but it doesn’t guarantee that the partner will be good at partnering. Sometimes people like Robyn luck out and find someone who is truly willing and able to be their best friend and companion. More often, they are terribly disappointed. In their rush to marry to fend off their fear of abandonment, they didn’t take the time to find someone who shared their interests and values.

Men can be as vulnerable to making these mistakes as women. Older people aren’t exempt either. Regardless of age or gender, the desire to marry, to have a constant partner, and to share a life is a healthy one. However, a wedding that’s a mistaken solution to personal or couple problems won’t guarantee a happily-ever-after marriage. That requires a union of two complete and whole adults who love each other deeply, unselfishly, and respectfully and who share a commitment to keep their wedding vows. Only then can a bond be created that withstands life’s challenges and deepens over time.

Being Cheated On Was The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You

Lauren Martin in Wellness

No one has ever been so keenly aware of their hearts’ ability to produce physical pain than someone who’s been cheated on.

Only someone who’s experienced true heartache and knows the pain that runs through the body, up to the head, where traces of it leak out through the eyes, bubbling over, pouring out the nose and running back into their mouths, forcing them to taste their sorrow all over again.

Real heartbreak like this, the kind that makes you feel like the air has been sucked out of you and the only position your body can muster is a ball on the floor, changes you.

Like a broken bone, it heals over time, but the scars of it never fade. We’re reminded of this pain every time we look down, every time we think of the traitors who let us bleed out on the ground in front of them. Our wounds may heal, but we will never forget.

But just because you can’t forget doesn’t mean you can’t move on. While cheating may feel like it just about killed you, it’s as Friedrich Nietzsche, then Kanye West, famously quoted, “That which does not kill us only makes us stronger.” And this isn’t some old adage to make you feel better, it’s the truth.

When the heart breaks that way, shatters into a million pieces, then reforms slowly, over time, it’s coming back stronger. You may be bedridden for months, think about it for years, but one day, you will feel better and your heart will be better for it.

Only those who have experienced deep, emotional pain can evolve into stronger, more stable people.

Because it takes real, true heartbreak to teach us. Only those who have experienced the pain of it can write about it, sing about it and understand it. It opens up an entire portal we never understood before. It creates empathy for others who will go on to feel that same pain.

It shows us another side, admits us to another group, the group of the broken-hearted. Only after being cheated on do we understand what all those songs are about.

Only after experiencing real heartache do we understand what all those sad scenes in movies finally mean. Only after the pain of loss can we understand the pain of others.

While you should never wish infidelity on yourself, you also shouldn’t bow to it. Because like any difficult trauma in life, there are lessons to be learned. Being cheated on may just be the best thing that can ever happen to you because it teaches you more than most people learn in a lifetime.

People might not always tell you how they feel, but they’ll always show you.

You can’t rely on words. Words can be as empty as the people who hold them. A brutal life lesson of being cheated on includes the realization that people lie. People deceive. People cheat. Just because people say they love you, it doesn’t mean they actually mean it.

It’s only through actions that we can gauge the true motives and feelings of others. Learning to judge others on how they act, rather than what they say, will save you years of misinterpretation and living like you’re in a continual game of Pictionary.

Sometimes, fate makes the best decisions for us.

You may have loved that person, but that doesn’t mean you were meant to be with him or her. While no one wishes to be cheated on, sometimes it’s a necessary course of action in a relationship that wouldn’t end any other way.

It was fate that you caught them or fate you found out, and sometimes, being cheated on teaches you that things happen for a reason; in the end, there’s really nothing you can do. Everything happens for a reason and because you couldn’t see the kind of people they were, fate showed you instead.

The first person you need to love in your life is yourself.

Once you’ve experienced the pain someone can inflict on you and the loss that comes with wrapping your love in someone else before your own, you understand the necessity of loving yourself before anyone else. There’s no way you can get over the pain of losing someone you love — or thought you loved — unless you have yourself to go back to.

We need our own love more than anyone else’s and being cheated on brutally teaches us that, at the end of the day, the most important relationship we should have is the one we have with ourselves.

Always be prepared for the worst — and never get too comfortable.

While you shouldn’t keep yourself guarded from experiencing the joys of a new relationship, you should always hold the reminder that people do have the power to hurt you. Love is, many times, a game. Playing smartly and making sure you’re not going in completely vulnerable is important. It’s as important to maintain your own feelings as it is to share them with someone.

You can (and will) get over pain.

That initial breakdown, the first days, weeks and months, make it seem like this pain has the power to kill you. You feel like any moment your heart will just stop all together and your tears will drown you and your sobs will choke you.

You feel like your life will never be the same again, that you will carry this pain with you forever. But slowly, over time, you begin to heal and with that healing comes the understanding that nothing is forever, not even your pain.

Trust is something that people must earn.

We grew up believing that people are inherently good until we’re forced to see the bad. It’s not until people have done us wrong that we understand not everyone is to be trusted. Trust is something the unscathed give away freely, but only those who have felt the pain of betrayal know that trust is something that must be earned.

We’re fragile; letting someone into our small, breakable worlds shouldn’t come with a free entrance.

Top 10 Tips for Running in Malaysia

Johanna Leahy

May 5, 2014

Having taken up running in hot and sticky Kuala Lumpur, I didn’t know any different. While American and British running magazines have offered advice on keeping warm and treadmill training in winter, I have been grateful not to have to worry about layers and shielding fingers from frostbite. Yet, running in year-round heat and humidity isn’t without its drawbacks. Staying hydrated can feel like a constant battle. And anyone who has run Personal Bests in temperate climates can lower their expectations when running in Malaysia; tropical humidity demands that your body uses a lot of energy on regulating your body temperature, energy that would otherwise be directed to your lungs and legs. 

That said, running in Malaysia is booming. Whether you are a recreational jogger or an ambitious racer, a newbie or experienced marathoner, there will be a group of runners ready to welcome you.

Here are some tips for new arrivals, or just new runners, on getting the most out of tropical running.

1. Rise and Shine

Running before sunrise (around 7am in Kuala Lumpur) is standard practice. It never gets cool, but at least before the sun comes up the temperature is only in the mid-twenties celsius. Evenings are also popular. Wear sunscreen and a cap during daylight hours, even when it’s cloudy.

2. Forget Slimming Black

Invest in lightweight, light reflecting, high visibility clothing, especially if road running. A reflector or light is also a must for those early morning weekend LSDs (long slow distance). All the big sports brands have stores here so there’s no shortage of gear.

3. Make Friends with Electrolytes

Electrolyte replacement is a must as no matter what time of day you run, or how far, you will create puddles of sweat. GNC, Athlete’s Circle and the Marathon Shop all sell gels, electrolyte tablets and sports supplements. You’ll have to experiment with what works best for you as the heat and humidity aren’t always kind to the digestive system so what might work for fuel back home, might make you nauseous here. Always hydrate before, during and after a run.

4. Stock Up On Shoes

If you run several times a week, buy at least two pairs of running shoes. Not only does alternating your shoes make them last longer, it also gives sweat a chance to dry before you slip them on again.

5. Always Carry RM10 On Your Runs

Iin case you need to stop to buy a drink or if you twist an ankle and need to hail a taxi home. A wet RM10 note is better than no RM10 note when an emergency thirst or injury situation occurs.

6. Leave the Loot At Home

Avoid carrying phones, MP3 players, jewellery and wallets. Mugging by motorbike is a problem in Kuala Lumpur so the less attractive you look to a thief the better. Being smelly and sweaty simply aren’t deterrent enough unfortunately. It’s also best to keep your eyes and ears on full alert for traffic as even early in the morning, the roads can be busy. Avoid running alone in the dark or in secluded areas.

7. Rinse Your Clothes While You Shower

To minimise the stink that is inevitable from running in the tropics. Anti-bacterial washing powder/liquid is highly recommended if you can get hold of it.

8. Leave a Towel Hanging On Your House Or Condo Door For When You Return

Puddles of sweat on marble or wooden floors are not only hazardous (and kind of gross) but they will not improve relations with your cleaner. If you do your own floor mopping, why make a chore to deal with when you come down from your post-run high?

9. Cool Down With a Cococut Drink

Coconut water is available in most supermarket chill cabinets for around RM3. It is a fantastic electrolyte replacement and a very satisfying, sweet but natural, post-run drink. It always feels very tropical and exotic to drink from a coconut – just in case you were in any doubt about where you were living.

10. Adjusting To The Climate

It takes a few weeks for the body to adjust to running in this climate, but once it does, you can look forward to running all year round. Be cautious on distance and pace to start with. It’s better to build up your humidity miles slowly than bonk on your first day out.

So, you don’t have to hide away from the heat and humidity on a treadmill – unless you really love running on a conveyer belt better than outdoors. The upside of running regularly in Malaysia is that when you head back to cooler climates, running will feel easy; well relatively easy at least.