Monday, 7 August 2017

People who like to be alone have these 6 special personality traits

In terms of our personalities and how we approach others, we are often placed in one of two categories:

Introvert or Extrovert.

Is it possible to be a little bit of both? Have you ever wondered what qualities specifically make up each and what they indicate?

In this article we reveal what it means to be one of those fascinating people who loves to spend time alone and challenge the perceptions that they’re lonely, depressed, and full of anxiety.

Do you have a friend who would rather stay in over shared cups of tea and pass up the Music Festival of the year? Do you enjoy your own time so much that you’ll travel alone, go to dinner and have a glass of wine for one, as well as catch the occasional film with nobody by your side? If so, I am right there with you, because I do all of the above, but the problem is…


People who love to spend time alone have to explain themselves, as if it goes against a societal expectation of what’s normal and what’s not.

Here are some great qualities of people who like to spend time alone:

1. They’re Extremely Loyal

They don’t very often have a wide social circle and if they do, you won’t find them out every night of the week with large groups, lining up for the hottest club opening. They instead seek out meaningful and trustworthy friends who they feel comfortable to welcome into their space and share details of their life with. If you have a friend who likes to spend time alone, you can guarantee that this person will be there for you through thick and thin.

2. Surprise! They’re Open to New Ideas

Just because they cherish their quiet time doesn’t mean they won’t do something new and exciting. They just make sure to have their quiet time before taking the plunge into a highly social activity.

3. They Have a Level Head

They spend so much quiet time on their own, taking the time to navigate and contemplate situations, problems, and to really tap into who they are and what they want. They have a strong sense of self and a confidence that radiates from within. When they’re feeling stressed or the weight of the world is closing in? They spend time alone to recharge instead of filling their day with distractions.

4. They Are Comfortable With Their Own Thoughts

I’m sure we’ve all come across that person who can’t stand to be alone with their own thoughts. People who like to spend time alone, particularly in the quiet, display a clear conscience and do not struggle with their inner thoughts. Of course, we can all have down days but they tend to be able to navigate themselves out of any slump.

5. They Understand The Value of Time. Yours and Theirs

You’ll notice a word that keeps coming up in each point. The word is ‘time’. People who spend time alone understand and appreciate it’s value. They put a high priority on making that time available in order for them to function at their highest level and best self; so, when you are giving of your time they understand what you’ve given up for them. They have a deep sense of making sure not to waste your time or to spend time with people who are wasting theirs.

6. They Exercise Strong Boundaries

All of that time alone gives these people the space to think about what motivates them, what works and what doesn’t, and how to properly communicate this. You’ll find that they have strong and healthy boundaries and they exercise their right to communicate these in a really healthy and clear manner.

Have your perceptions changed? Can you see any of these qualities in yourself or a friend?

We all have a different approach to life, celebrating our differences is what’s it’s all about. 

Friday, 7 July 2017

Toxic relationship habits most people think are normal

There’s no class in high school on how to not be a shitty boyfriend or girlfriend. Sure, they teach us the biology of sex, the legality of marriage, and maybe we read a few obscure love stories from the 19th century on how not to be.

But when it comes down to actually handling the nitty-gritty of relationships, we’re given no pointers … or worse, we’re given advice columns in women’s magazines.

Yes, it’s trial-and-error from the get-go. And if you’re like most people, it’s been mostly error.

But part of the problem is that many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. We worship romantic love — you know, that dizzying and irrational romantic love that somehow finds breaking china plates on the wall in a fit of tears somewhat endearing—and scoff at practicality or unconventional sexualities. Men and women are raised to objectify each other and to objectify their relationships. Thus, our partners are often seen as assets rather than someone to share mutual emotional support.

A lot of the self-help literature out there isn’t helpful either (no, men and women are notfrom different planets, you over-generalizing prick). And for most of us, mom and dad surely weren’t the best examples either.

Fortunately, there’s been a lot of psychological research into healthy and happy relationships the past few decades and there are some general principles that keep popping up consistently that most people are unaware of or don’t follow. In fact, some of these principles actually go against what is traditionally considered “romantic” or normal in a relationship.

Below are six of the most common tendencies in relationships that many couples think are healthy and normal, but are actually toxic and destroying everything you hold dear. Get the tissues ready.

1. The relationship scorecard


What it is: The “keeping score” phenomenon is when someone you’re dating continues to blame you for past mistakes you made in the relationship. If both people in the relationship do this it devolves into what I call “the relationship scorecard,” where it becomes a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who owes the other one more.

You were an asshole at Cynthia’s 28th birthday party back in 2010 and it has proceeded to ruin your life ever since. Why? Because there’s not a week that goes by that you’re not reminded of it. But that’s OK, because that time you caught her sending flirtatious text messages to her co-worker immediately removes her right to get jealous, so it’s kind of even, right?

Wrong.

Why it’s toxic: The relationship scorecard develops over time because one or both people in a relationship use past wrongdoings in order to try and justify current righteousness. This is a double-whammy of suckage. Not only are you deflecting the current issue itself, but you’re ginning up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate your partner into feeling wrong in the present.

If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they’re less culpable than the other, rather than solving the current problem. People spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each other.

What you should do instead: Deal with issues individually unless they are legitimately connected. If someone habitually cheats, then that’s obviously a recurring problem. But the fact that she embarrassed you in 2010 and now she got sad and ignored you today in 2013 have nothing to do with each other, so don’t bring it up.

You must recognize that by choosing to be with your significant other, you are choosing to be with all of their prior actions and behaviors. If you don’t accept those, then ultimately, you are not accepting them. If something bothered you that much a year ago, you should have dealt with it a year ago. 

2. Dropping “hints” and other passive-aggression


What it is: Instead of stating a desire or thought overtly, your partner tries to nudge you in the right direction of figuring it out yourself. Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting you, you find small and petty ways to piss your partner off so you’ll then feel justified in complaining to them.

Why it’s toxic: Because it shows that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly with one another. A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing any anger or insecurity within the relationship. A person will never feel a need to drop “hints” if they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for it.

What you should do instead: State your feelings and desires openly. And make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to them but that you’d love to have their support. If they love you, they’ll almost always be able to give it. 

3. Holding the relationship hostage


What it is: When one person has a simple criticism or complaint and blackmails the other person by threatening the commitment of the relationship as a whole. For instance, if someone feels like you’ve been cold to them, instead of saying, “I feel like you’re being cold sometimes,” they will say, “I can’t date someone who is cold to me all of the time.”

Why it’s toxic: It’s emotional blackmail and it creates tons of unnecessary drama. Every minor hiccup in the flow of the relationship results in a perceived commitment crisis. It’s crucial for both people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely to one another without it threatening the relationship itself. Otherwise people will suppress their true thoughts and feelings which leads to an environment of distrust and manipulation.

What you should do instead: It’s fine to get upset at your partner or to not like something about them. That’s called being a normal human being. But understand that committing to a person and always liking a person are not the same thing. One can be committed to someone and not like everything about them. One can be eternally devoted to someone yet actually be annoyed or angered by their partner at times. On the contrary, two partners who are capable of communicating feedback and criticism towards one another, only without judgment or blackmail, will strengthen their commitment to one another in the long-run. 

4. Blaming your partner for your own emotions


What it is: Let’s say you’re having a crappy day and your partner isn’t exactly being super sympathetic or supportive at the moment. They’ve been on the phone all day with some people from work. They got distracted when you hugged them. You want to lay around at home together and just watch a movie tonight, but they have plans to go out and see their friends.

So you lash out at them for being so insensitive and callous toward you. You’ve been having a shitty day and they have done nothing about it. Sure, you never asked, but they should just know to make you feel better. They should have gotten off the phone and ditched their plans based on your lousy emotional state.

Why it’s toxic: Blaming our partners for our emotions is a subtle form of selfishness, and a classic example of the poor maintenance of personal boundaries. When you set a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice-versa), you will develop codependent tendencies. Suddenly, they’re not allowed to plan activities without checking with you first. All activities at home—even the mundane ones like reading books or watching TV—must be negotiated and compromised. When someone begins to get upset, all personal desires go out the window because it is now your responsibility to make one another feel better.

The biggest problem of developing these codependent tendencies is that they breed resentment. Sure, if my girlfriend gets mad at me once because she’s had a shitty day and is frustrated and needs attention, that’s understandable. But if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves around her emotional well-being at all times, then I’m soon going to become very bitter and even manipulative towards her feelings and desires.

What you should do instead: Take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs. There’s a subtle yet important difference between being supportive of your partner and being obligated to your partner. Any sacrifices should be made as an autonomous choice and not seen as an expectation. As soon as both people in a relationship become culpable for each other’s moods and downswings, it gives them both incentives to hide their true feelings and manipulate one another. 

5. Displays of “loving” jealousy


What it is: Getting pissed off when your partner talks, touches, calls, texts, hangs out, or sneezes in the general vicinity of another person and then you proceed to take that anger out on your partner and attempt to control their behavior. This often leads to insane behaviors such as hacking into your partner’s email account, looking through their text messages while they’re in the shower or even following them around town and showing up unannounced when they’re not expecting you.

Why it’s toxic: It surprises me that some people describe this as some sort of display of affection. They figure that if their partner wasn’t jealous, then that would somehow mean that they weren’t loved by them.

This is absolutely clownshit crazy to me. It’s controlling and manipulative. It creates unnecessary drama and fighting. It transmits a message of a lack of trust in the other person. And to be honest, it’s demeaning. If my girlfriend cannot trust me to be around other attractive women by myself, then it implies that she believes that I’m either a) a liar, or b) incapable of controlling my impulses. In either case, that’s a woman I do not want to be dating.

What you should do instead:
Trust your partner. It’s a radical idea, I know. Some jealousy is natural. But excessive jealousy and controlling behaviors towards your partner are signs of your own feelings of unworthiness and you should learn to deal with them and not force them onto those close to you. Because otherwise you are only going to eventually push that person away. 

6. Buying the solutions to relationship problems


What it is: Any time a major conflict or issue comes up in the relationship, instead of solving it, one covers it up with the excitement and good feelings that come with buying something nice or going on a trip somewhere.

My parents were experts at this one. And it got them real far: a big fat divorce and 15 years of hardly speaking to each other since. They have both since independently told me that this was the primary problem in their marriage: continuously covering up their real issues with superficial pleasures.

Why it’s toxic: Not only does it brush the real problem under the rug (where it will always re-emerge and even worse the next time), but it sets an unhealthy precedent within the relationship. This is not a gender-specific problem, but I will use the traditional gendered situation as an example. Let’s imagine that whenever a woman gets angry at her boyfriend/husband, the man “solves” the issue by buying the woman something nice, or taking her to a nice restaurant or something. Not only does this give the woman unconscious incentive to find more reasons to be upset with the man, but it also gives the man absolutely no incentive to actually be accountable for the problems in the relationship. So what do you end up with? A checked-out husband who feels like an ATM, and an incessantly bitter woman who feels unheard.

What you should do instead: Actually, you know, deal with the problem. Trust was broken? Talk about what it will take to rebuild it. Someone feels ignored or unappreciated? Talk about ways to restore those feelings of appreciation. Communicate!

There’s nothing wrong with doing nice things for a significant other after a fight to show solidarity and to reaffirm commitment. But one should never use gifts or fancy things to replace dealing with the underlying emotional issues. Gifts and trips are called luxuries for a reason, you only get to appreciate them when everything else is already good. If you use them to cover up your problems, then you will find yourself with a much bigger problem down the line.

This post originally appeared on MarkManson.net. Follow @iammarkmanson on Twitter. 

Tuesday, 20 June 2017

This Is How You Lose Her When She Wanted To Be Yours

By Kirsten Corley


You lose her when you make her feel like an option when all she ever did was make you a priority.

You lose her when you keep her at arm’s length when all she’s ever done is choose you.

You lose her a little more every time that you confuse her and draw lines that are too blurry to see.

Because everything she’s ever felt has been in black and white.

You lose her every time you lie to her.

You lose her when you don’t commit. When all she’s ever done is pick you.

You lose her every time you leave her and she feels a little empty.

You lose her every time you use her. Physically or emotionally.

You lose her when you pull away and act like it’s nothing when you return.

You lose her when you tell her to leave then get angry at her going.

You lose her when you play games. Like how you ignore her text just to blow up her newsfeed.

You lose her when you let her in just to push her away.

You lose her when you tell her you like her but not enough to do anything about it.

You lose her every time she fights for you but it’s only her fighting.

You lose her when you tell her that you love her but everything you say is a contradiction of how you act.

You lose her when you don’t answer and she’s left staring at her phone.

You lose her when you give someone else the chance to treat her the way you choose not to.

You lose her when she’s finally had enough and it breaks her to walk away.

You lose her when she looks back and doesn’t see you coming after her.

You lose her when she whispers goodbye when all she wants is a reason to stay.

You lose her because you don’t deserve someone like her.

And ironically it’ll only be after you lose her do you realize what you had. But by then it’ll already be too late.
 
 

Wednesday, 24 May 2017

According to Psychologists, People Who Cry a Lot Have This Unique Personality Trait

Do you remember the last time you spend the evening crying? Have you recently cried your eyes out?

Crying is not a sign of vulnerability, and you should not apologize for it. Crying is actually a healthy thing which indicates strength and resilience. We give you four reasons to feel empowered after shedding tears:

You Know How to Relieve Stress

According to a 1983 study from the American Psychological Association, crying brings relief of stress due to interpersonal relationships, sadness, and anxiety. Tears help you channel and filter out the thoughts, as bottling them up might cause long-term psychological damage.

Crying actually releases the negative tension accumulated during the day, comforts, and recharges. Plus, emotional tears have hormones that escape the body and could enhance mood.

According to professor Roger Baker from Bournemouth University, crying relieves trauma, as it is the transformation of distress into something tangible.

You Aren’t Afraid of Your Feelings

People can cry for numerous reasons, stress, anger, sadness, low blood sugar, hormonal imbalances, loss, loneliness, and even for trivial things like songs or a sad movie.

Yet, the important thing is that crying makes them accept and confront their feelings. If one ignores these negative feelings, he might turn to alcoholism, drugs abuse, depression, anxiety, and other unhealthy compulsive behaviors.

People often avoid facing the feelings of judgment, fear, and guilt and choking back tears. However, it is important that one acknowledges his emotions and have the bravery to show them and control them.

It Shows You Don’t Care about What Others Think
When not alone, we often try to suppress the feelings of vulnerability and feebleness and not burst out. Our society has imposed a belief that crying in front of others should be avoided at all costs. Yet, our nature is not that controlled, and we cannot always keep up our emotional guard.

According to the findings of a 1964 study, which analyzed the self-reported emotional response of people while in the company of someone crying, people respond less negatively and more compassionately to people who are crying.

Crying made most people feel uncomfortable, but it also means that one is not dependent on the social expectations.

Crying Makes You a Better Friend

Despite showing that you are comfortable in someone’s presence, crying might also show that you are open with your friends.

Sometimes, if you receive bad news with a friend, and you are the first one to start crying, you might help the other to relieve the stress and express his\her emotions too. If you break those walls between you two, you will start building more meaningful relationships.

Crying and Mental Illness

Note that you should talk to a therapist or a counselor if you have frequent urges to cry. These episodes might indicate anxiety and depression. Millions of people around the globe suffer from these conditions, and it is a must to start looking for the solution as soon as possible.

You will find out a lot about these mental illnesses on these three online centers:
-Hope Care
-International Help Lines
-Better Help

Therefore, crying is a healthy mechanism your body uses to cope with the piled up emotions. It improves mood, manages stress, strengthens relationships, and builds your character.

Hence, do not repress the urge to cry, but leave your tears to wash away your sorrow and stress.

Source: theheartysoul.com
 
 
 

Tuesday, 25 April 2017

My Personality [II]: ISTJ Personality (“The Logistician”)

https://www.16personalities.com/istj-personality

My observation is that whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty... it is worse executed by two persons, and scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.

~George Washington ~

The ISTJ personality type is thought to be the most abundant, making up around 13% of the population. Their defining characteristics of integrity, practical logic and tireless dedication to duty make ISTJs a vital core to many famlies, as well as organizations that uphold traditions, rules and standards, such as law offices, regulatory bodies and military. People with the ISTJ personality type enjoy taking responsibility for their actions, and take pride in the work they do – when working towards a goal, ISTJs hold back none of their time and energy completing each relevant task with accuracy and patience.

ISTJs don’t make many assumptions, preferring instead to analyze their surroundings, check their facts and arrive at practical courses of action. ISTJ personalities are no-nonsense, and when they’ve made a decision, they will relay the facts necessary to achieve their goal, expecting others to grasp the situation immediately and take action. ISTJs have little tolerance for indecisiveness, but lose patience even more quickly if their chosen course is challenged with impractical theories, especially if they ignore key details – if challenges becomes time-consuming debates, ISTJs can become noticeably angry as deadlines tick nearer.
Associate With Those of Good Quality if You Esteem Your Reputation...


When ISTJs say they are going to get something done, they do it, meeting their obligations no matter the personal cost, and they are baffled by people who don’t hold their own word in the same respect. Combining laziness and dishonesty is the quickest way to get on ISTJs’ bad side. Consequently, people with the ISTJ personality type often prefer to work alone, or at least have their authority clearly established by hierarchy, where they can set and achieve their goals without debate or worry over other’s reliability.

ISTJs have sharp, fact-based minds, and prefer autonomy and self-sufficiency to reliance on someone or something. Dependency on others is often seen by ISTJs as a weakness, and their passion for duty, dependability and impeccable personal integrity forbid falling into such a trap.

This sense of personal integrity is core to ISTJs, and goes beyond their own minds – ISTJ personalities adhere to established rules and guidelines regardless of cost, reporting their own mistakes and telling the truth even when the consequences for doing so could be disastrous. To ISTJs, honesty is far more important than emotional considerations, and their blunt approach leaves others with the false impression that ISTJs are cold, or even robotic. People with this type may struggle to express emotion or affection outwardly, but the suggestion that they don’t feel, or worse have no personality at all, is deeply hurtful.

...For It Is Better to Be Alone Than in Bad Company

ISTJs’ dedication is an excellent quality, allowing them to accomplish much, but it is also a core weakness that less scrupulous individuals take advantage of. ISTJs seek stability and security, considering it their duty to maintain a smooth operation, and they may find that their coworkers and significant others shift their responsibilities onto them, knowing that they will always take up the slack. ISTJs tend to keep their opinions to themselves and let the facts do the talking, but it can be a long time before observable evidence tells the whole story.

ISTJs need to remember to take care of themselves – their stubborn dedication to stability and efficiency can compromise those goals in the long term as others lean ever-harder on them, creating an emotional strain that can go unexpressed for years, only finally coming out after it’s too late to fix. If they can find coworkers and spouses who genuinely appreciate and complement their qualities, who enjoy the brightness, clarity and dependability that they offer, ISTJs will find that their stabilizing role is a tremendously satisfying one, knowing that they are part of a system that works.

ISTJ Strengths and Weaknesses

ISTJ Strengths

  • Honest and Direct – Integrity is the heart of the ISTJ personality type. Emotional manipulation, mind games and reassuring lies all run counter to ISTJs’ preference for managing the reality of the situations they encounter with plain and simple honesty.
  • Strong-willed and Dutiful – ISTJs embody that integrity in their actions too, working hard and staying focused on their goals. Patient and determined, people with the ISTJ personality type meet their obligations, period.
  • Very Responsible – ISTJs’ word is a promise, and a promise means everything. ISTJs would rather run themselves into the ground with extra days and lost sleep than fail to deliver the results they said they would. Loyalty is a strong sentiment for ISTJ personalities, and they fulfill their duties to the people and organizations they’ve committed themselves to.
  • Calm and Practical – None of their promises would mean much if ISTJs lost their tempers and broke down at every sign of hardship – they keep their feet on the ground and make clear, rational decisions. Peoples’ preferences are a factor to consider in this process, and ISTJs work to make the best use of individual qualities, but these decisions are made with effectiveness in mind more so than empathy. The same applies to criticisms, for others and themselves.
  • Create and Enforce Order – The primary goal of any ISTJ is to be effective in what they’ve chosen to do, and they believe that this is accomplished best when everyone involved knows exactly what is going on and why. Unclear guidelines and people who break established rules undermine this effort, and are rarely tolerated by ISTJs. Structure and rules foster dependability; chaos creates unforeseen setbacks and missed deadlines.
  • Jacks-of-all-trades – Much like Analyst personalities, ISTJs are proud repositories of knowledge, though the emphasis is more on facts and statistics than concepts and underlying principles. This allows ISTJs to apply themselves to a variety of situations, picking up and applying new data and grasping the details of challenging situations as a matter of course.
ISTJ Weaknesses

  • Stubborn – The facts are the facts, and ISTJs tend to resist any new idea that isn’t supported by them. This factual decision-making process also makes it difficult for people with the ISTJ personality type to accept that they were about something – but anyone can miss a detail, even them.
  • Insensitive – While not intentionally harsh, ISTJs often hurt more sensitive types’ feelings by the simple mantra that honesty is the best policy. ISTJ personalities may take emotions into consideration, but really only so far as to determine the most effective way to say what needs to be said.
  • Always by the Book – ISTJs believe that things work best with clearly defined rules, but this makes them reluctant to bend those rules or try new things, even when the downside is minimal. Truly unstructured environments leave ISTJs all but paralyzed.
  • Judgmental – Opinions are opinions and facts are facts, and ISTJs are unlikely to respect people who disagree with those facts, or especially those who remain willfully ignorant of them.
  • Often Unreasonably Blame Themselves – All this can combine to make ISTJs believe they are the only ones who can see projects through reliably. As they load themselves with extra work and responsibilities, turning away good intentions and helpful ideas, ISTJs sooner or later hit a tipping point where they simply can’t deliver. Since they’ve heaped the responsibility on themselves, ISTJs then believe the responsibility for failure is theirs alone to bear.

ISTJ Relationships

ISTJs are dependable through and through, and this trait is clearly expressed when it comes to their romantic relationships. Often representing the epitome of family values, people with the ISTJ personality type are comfortable with, and often even encourage traditional household and gender roles, and look to a family structure guided by clear expectations and honesty. While their reserved nature often makes dating ISTJs challenging, they are truly dedicated partners, willing to devote tremendous thought and energy to ensure stable and mutually satisfying relationships.
Happiness and Moral Duty Are Inseparably Connected

Blind dates and random hookups are not ISTJs’ preferred methods for finding potential partners. The risk and unpredictability of these situations has ISTJs’ alarm bells ringing, and being dragged out for a night of dancing at the club just isn’t going to happen. ISTJ personalities much prefer more responsible, conservative methods of dating, such as dinner with an interested coworker or, in their more adventurous moods, a setup organized through a mutual friend.

ISTJs approach relationships, as with most things, from a rational perspective, looking for compatibility and the mutual satisfaction of daily and long-term needs. This isn’t a process that ISTJs take lightly, and once commitments are established, they stick to their promises to the very end. ISTJs establish foundations, fulfill their responsibilities, and keep their relationships functional and stable.

As their relationships transitions into the long-term, ISTJs gladly see to the necessary daily tasks around the house, applying the same sense of duty to their home life that they do in the workplace.

While this may not translate into particularly exotic intimate lives, ISTJs are dependable lovers who want very much for their partners to remain satisfied. It takes patience on the part of more adventurous partners, but if different activities can be demonstrated as equally or more enjoyable than those already within ISTJs’ comfort zones, they are perfectly capable of trying something new.

However, emotional satisfaction can be another matter. While ISTJs are able to provide surprisingly good emotional support, this only happens when they realize that it’s necessary, and there’s the rub. As Thinking (T) types, ISTJs are not naturally receptive to others’ emotions, not unless they are stated clearly, and a partner usually only says "I’m angry" when it’s too late to address the initial grievance.

Let Your Heart Feel Their Afflictions, and Give Proportionally

People with the ISTJ personality type can get so caught up in the belief in their correctness, in "winning" arguments they thought were about facts, that they don’t realize their partner may have viewed things from a perspective of consideration and sensitivity. Especially with Feeling (F) partners, this can be a huge challenge for the relationship. Ultimately though, ISTJs’ senses of responsibility and dedication set the tone, and they spare no effort in noting to this distinction moving forward, the consequences having been demonstrated as real.

While ISTJs’ staid approach may seem boring to some, there is an undeniable attractiveness to it, though felt perhaps more by respect and admiration than emotional passion. ISTJs’ shells hide a strong and quiet determination and reliability, rare among other personality types, which can benefit even the flightiest personalities, allowing them to stay connected to the real world while still exploring new territory. Partners who share the Observant (S) trait are the best fit for ISTJ personalities, with one or two opposing traits to create balance and to expand ISTJs’ sometimes overly isolated world, such as partners with Extraverted (E) or Prospecting (P) traits.


ISTJ Friends

ISTJ friends are not spontaneous. They are not talkative, or particularly playful in their affection. What ISTJ friends are is loyal, trustworthy, honorable and dependable. Others may come and go with the ups and downs of life, but ISTJs stay by their friends’ sides no matter what, with a deepness of commitment that other types may not even believe is possible.

True Friendship Is a Plant of Slow Growth

ISTJs are a very methodical personality type, and this loyalty isn’t given away lightly. Often slow to make friends, ISTJs usually end up with a smaller circle, but they consider that circle to represent a promise to be there for the people they care about, and ISTJs’ promises are not easily broken.

These actions convey a sensitivity that many fail to see, but it is a quality that ISTJs’ friends come to admire and depend on in the long years of their friendships.

But all of this sounds terribly serious, and indeed it only shows the one side of ISTJs and their approach to their friendships. The other side knows how to stop being quite so staid, and especially in the company of joyful and talkative Extraverts (E), ISTJs enjoy relaxing and having fun with a good discussion about work, life, and current events.

People with the ISTJ personality type don’t like conflict, and this applies to how they select their friends as well. Seeking out friends with similar principles and opinions, ISTJs most often befriend other Sentinels, who are likely to share their perspective and world vision. While they are unlikely to become friends with substantially different types – it simply takes too much energy to bridge the communication gap – ISTJ personalities still recognize and appreciate others’ strengths and qualities.
Knowledge Is the Surest Basis of Happiness

In fact, as if to prove the point, ISTJs almost always have at least one Intuitive (N) friend in their inner circle, despite the disconnect the two perspectives bring. These are very much relationships built not on mutual understanding, but out of respect for their mutual differences. ISTJs marvel at Intuitives’ breadth of thought, being very much in tune with their own intelligence, while Intuitives admire ISTJs’ realism and dependability, something they are often hard-pressed to find in themselves. Knowledge, as always, is the great equalizer.


ISTJ Parents

As parents, people with the ISTJ personality type are often the most comfortable. Their sense of responsibility and honor blends well with a tradition that has been in place since time immemorial: to raise one’s children to be respected, contributing members of home and society. As with most commitments, ISTJs do not take their roles as parents lightly, and will make it their work to ensure that this tradition is upheld to the highest standard.

This doesn’t always come easily for their children though, as ISTJs tend to be strict, with high standards and expectations. ISTJ personalities establish stable, clearly structured environments for their children, always with an eye on helping them to develop a sense of place in society, and to fulfill useful roles.

A clear sense of hierarchy is a part of developing this identity, and ISTJs work just as much to ensure an appropriate respect for authority as they do with family and societal structure.

All this loyalty, devotion and structure are of little use though when ISTJs’ children need the warmth of emotional support. While ISTJs can be sensitive towards those they care about in their own way, it’s hard for younger children and especially adolescents to recognize this tough love for the love that it is. Often ISTJs need to rely on a more sensitive partner to fill this role and mediate between rational purpose and the more ethereal sense of emotional well-being.
Success Is Owed to Our Parents’ Moral and Intellectual Teachings

People with the ISTJ personality type are strongly principled, valuing patience and hard work, qualities children often struggle with. Nevertheless, ISTJs’ children are expected to meet these standards and share these values, for their own good. This approach often bears its fruit in the long run, but ISTJs must keep in mind that their approach creates natural barriers and distance that often leave their children wondering if they’re on the same team.

Taken too far, or with mutual stubbornness, this may even set in as a permanent state in the relationship, something both ISTJ parents and their children ultimately regret. It is best for ISTJs to embrace and hold to their own values, but to also recognize that each person has their own goals, and to meet their children halfway in attaining theirs. Combining their natural devotion and purpose with this flexibility in support of their children’s own vision leads to a sense of mutual respect and accomplishment that any ISTJ parent would be proud of.


ISTJ Careers

While many personality types may be comfortable with flexible work as consultants and sole proprietors, ISTJs are much more focused on building long-term, stable careers. That’s not to say that ISTJs can’t do that sort of work – many find themselves thinking about what’s on the other side of those cubical walls – but what they crave is dependability, and that is reflected in their choice of work perhaps more so than in any other part of their lives.

Have No Other View Than to Promote the Public Good

The facts support this, as the most common careers among people with the ISTJ personality type revolve around institutions of respected tradition, authority, security, and established consistency. Careers as military officers, lawyers, judges, police officers and detectives are all very popular among ISTJs. This makes sense, as they not only offer the stability that ISTJs seek, but are in line with their principles and conservatism, establishing clear societal roles.

ISTJs of course aren’t limited to these organizations – there are many other roles that utilize their reliability, objectivity and sharp eyes. When facts and logic are out of place, ISTJ personalities swoop in as the accountants, auditors, data analysts, financial managers, business administrators and even doctors that identify, report and correct the issues at hand.

Most of these careers have ISTJs working alone, which is usually their preference, but when teams are necessary, they are best defined by clearly outlined roles, responsibilities and work environments.

Nothing is quite so challenging for ISTJs as ongoing debates about who is responsible for what, resulting in work that’s shoddily assembled – or worse, incomplete.

ISTJs have strong opinions about how things should be done, and if things are shuffled too often, people with this personality type can become surprisingly vocal about their opposition. It’s important for ISTJs to remember that even the most traditional and stable career paths can and need to change as time goes by. It is much better to accept this with grace than to develop reputations of being enemies of new ideas.

Business Discourse Should Be Short and Comprehensive

ISTJs may also struggle with the increasingly open and social requirements of modern work life. Being somewhat bad at sensing others feelings, ISTJs’ "just the facts" attitude can be downright alienating when it comes to more sensitive personality types. This applies not just to coworkers but to customers as well – service positions like retail sales and waiting tables, as well as more emotionally demanding careers such as psychiatry are, generally speaking, a terrible fit.

The ideal career paths feature a trend: they place facts above feelings and allow ISTJs to uphold the hard standards that are the backbone of society. Rules are the basis for everything people take for granted about modern life, from the social contract that smooths relationships, to the laws that protect peoples’ most basic safety, to the constitutions and treaties that govern nations. People with the ISTJ personality type take on roles as the defenders of these ideas, in big ways and small, and are rightfully proud of it.


ISTJ in the Workplace

When it comes to the workplace, ISTJs are almost a stereotype for the classic hard-working, dutiful employee. In all positions, the ISTJ personality type seeks structure, clearly defined rules, and respect for authority and hierarchy. Responsibilities aren’t burdens to ISTJs, they are the trust that has been placed in them, an opportunity to prove once again that they are the right person for the job.

On the other hand, the change that comes with assuming those new responsibilities, or in losing old ones, is often a significant struggle for ISTJs. This presents itself differently in different positions of authority, but it is one of ISTJs’ most significant challenges to overcome. The usual insensitivity common to all Thinking (T) types is also a running theme here, something many people with the ISTJ personality type choose to focus on in their personal and professional development.

ISTJ Subordinates

ISTJs crave responsibility, which makes them the go-to subordinates for odds and ends and unpopular projects. Often seen as jacks of all trades, ISTJ personalities can competently tackle any project that comes with a manual. On the other hand, this makes them reluctant to give up responsibilities even when they are overburdened, or when there are better people for the job. The seriousness in ISTJs’ approach to their work makes them surprisingly sensitive to criticism, leading to a sometimes vexing level of inflexibility.

Their stubbornness aside, or perhaps because of it, ISTJs are quite possibly one of the most productive subordinates – they respect authority and hierarchy, and have no problem following orders and instructions. Punctuality is unlikely to ever be an issue, either in terms of showing up to work on time, or in terms of meeting project deadlines. While ISTJs may need clearly set steps and well-defined responsibilities, they are exceptionally loyal, dedicated, meticulous and patient in completing their work.

ISTJ Colleagues

Among colleagues, no one can be trusted more to ensure that projects are finished on time and by the book than ISTJs. Quiet and methodical, people with the ISTJ personality type keep cool when the going gets tough, but expect their colleagues to share their approach. Significantly different types, especially more emotional ones, baffle ISTJs with their need for emotional support and openness, or capacity for dropping something, half finished. To ISTJs, either something’s been done right or it’s been done wrong, and sugarcoating it or walking away isn’t going to fix it.

ISTJs value peace and security in the workplace, and the easiest way for this to happen is for them to simply work alone. Innovations, brainstorming, theories and new ideas all disrupt this comfortable state, and it takes a great deal of respect on ISTJs’ part to acknowledge their validity. Once the details have been laid out and a plan of implementation established though, ISTJs are an indispensable part of the team in putting these ideas into practice.

ISTJ Managers

ISTJs love responsibility and the power resulting from it. Pressing themselves hard to meet their obligations, ISTJs regularly go above and beyond their duties, and expect their subordinates to act with the same level of dedication. At the same time, ISTJs’ preference for doing things by the book, adherence to hierarchy, and general aversion to innovation makes their subordinates ride a very thin line when they do – stepping out of bounds must be backed up with just the facts, and results.

It is said that it is better to do first and ask permission later – it’s difficult to say whether this applies to ISTJs, as they are very intolerant of their subordinates’ failures to meet their obligations, and one of those obligations is to stick to the plan. Believing that truth, at least as far as they see it, is more important than sensitivity, ISTJ personalities are capable of laying down hard criticism, and their willingness to make tough decisions can make perceived insubordination the final trespass.


ISTJ Personality – Conclusion

Few personality types are as practical and dedicated as ISTJs. Known for their reliability and hard work, ISTJs are good at creating and maintaining a secure and stable environment for themselves and their loved ones. ISTJs’ dedication is invaluable in many areas, including their own personal growth.

Yet ISTJs can be easily tripped up in areas where their practical and methodical approach are more of a liability than an asset. Whether it is finding (or keeping) a partner, learning to relax or improvise, reaching dazzling heights on the career ladder, or managing their workload, ISTJs need to put in a conscious effort to develop their weaker traits and additional skills.

Thursday, 6 April 2017

You Will be Deeply Missed [II]



Dear Alex Sim,

Today you'll bid us goodbye
Many of us will cry
Asking God why
You must say this goodbye


You've left a legacy behind
We will keep in mind
To be sincere & kind
To all mankind

You've lived a life
Impacting many lives
Your light will continue to shine
Till we say "hi" (in heaven)
弟兄,一路好走。。再见了

Thursday, 30 March 2017

You Will Be Deeply Missed [I]

I was back to office from lunch and received a call from a sister. We usually text each other and to receive a call from her on a working day was not a norm. She told me that she received a text message which informed the passing of a brother whom she knew I was quite close with.

Shocked. Numbed. I was not convinced so I asked her to forward to me the text; maybe that's because I am a word person, I have to read to be convinced.

Shortly after, another sister text me and then another...

Reality did not set in until much later. I could not focus on my work at all. The whole afternoon was trying to recollect myself and discussing with some sisters how we could help his family...

I still remember when I first knew him, he was one of the very few who made me feel welcomed.

Once we were in a gathering at a Pastor's house, and they were playing boardgames. I was standing there alone, not knowing many people & he called me to join the group. Another time I was just standing there after service and he invited me to join the rest for dinner. There was once we had a YA game session and he took good care of me, asked me to follow his car.

There were several occasions he helped me when I needed help by just a call away. In the midst of his busyness, he would spare time for his friends. Once, my Eagle could not start and I was around his housing area, so I called him for help; instead of staying in the comfort of his own home, he came to my rescue.

He gave sound advice and cared from his heart. He told me he cared about my happiness and usually many would say this but would not act on it. He was different, he actually acted on it by introducing someone to me. 

Always cheerful, always jovial, always positive....I could not understand but to ask God, why?

"Alice...Alice..."; his voice ringing in my ears :(

We last met in January at a stall nearby my office, having red wine chicken for lunch; and he bought me lunch that day because my birthday was coming soon. 

His birthday is next month and it would be my turn to buy him a meal but.... :(

We last contacted each other two days ago because I asked him something about my policy. He had always been a helpful agent and would go the extra mile to assist.

My dear brother, you will be deeply missed :(




Thursday, 9 March 2017

Hope & Reality

It is 17:41 now. In another 10 minutes, I would need to shut down. Somehow, there is a heavy feeling in me, that I feel like pouring out before I get too burdened by this feeling.

Though I am not sure what is this feeling about. I guess, it may be about someone who had entered my life recently. This person, let's call "X", has occupied a little space in my heart. 

When I hope that things would progress naturally and gradually, God may have a different plan for me. In a day, something that was hopeful had turned out to be an undesirable reality.

Why is it so?

Off and on, X would come across my mind. X may have occupied a little space in my heart, but I remember a friend had given me this wise advice: "Follow your heart, but please bring your brain with you"; hence, my mind had been analysing the whole situation from A to Z, head to toe, front to back...in short, from every possible angle.

Should I move on? Should I continue to wait?

I will not do anything until X approaches me. 

Let go, and let God do the rest!

Father Lord,

I commit this Ship unto Your hands. May You lead both of us with Your Godly wisdom and help us to discern what You have planned for us in our lives. Cover us with Your protection. Help us to forgive each other. May Your Love, Joy, Peace and Grace be with us.

In Jesus' precious name, 
Amen