Toxic relationship habits most people think are normal

There’s no class in high school on how to not be a shitty boyfriend or girlfriend. Sure, they teach us the biology of sex, the legality of marriage, and maybe we read a few obscure love stories from the 19th century on how not to be.

But when it comes down to actually handling the nitty-gritty of relationships, we’re given no pointers … or worse, we’re given advice columns in women’s magazines.

Yes, it’s trial-and-error from the get-go. And if you’re like most people, it’s been mostly error.

But part of the problem is that many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. We worship romantic love — you know, that dizzying and irrational romantic love that somehow finds breaking china plates on the wall in a fit of tears somewhat endearing—and scoff at practicality or unconventional sexualities. Men and women are raised to objectify each other and to objectify their relationships. Thus, our partners are often seen as assets rather than someone to share mutual emotional support.

A lot of the self-help literature out there isn’t helpful either (no, men and women are notfrom different planets, you over-generalizing prick). And for most of us, mom and dad surely weren’t the best examples either.

Fortunately, there’s been a lot of psychological research into healthy and happy relationships the past few decades and there are some general principles that keep popping up consistently that most people are unaware of or don’t follow. In fact, some of these principles actually go against what is traditionally considered “romantic” or normal in a relationship.

Below are six of the most common tendencies in relationships that many couples think are healthy and normal, but are actually toxic and destroying everything you hold dear. Get the tissues ready.

1. The relationship scorecard

What it is: The “keeping score” phenomenon is when someone you’re dating continues to blame you for past mistakes you made in the relationship. If both people in the relationship do this it devolves into what I call “the relationship scorecard,” where it becomes a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who owes the other one more.

You were an asshole at Cynthia’s 28th birthday party back in 2010 and it has proceeded to ruin your life ever since. Why? Because there’s not a week that goes by that you’re not reminded of it. But that’s OK, because that time you caught her sending flirtatious text messages to her co-worker immediately removes her right to get jealous, so it’s kind of even, right?

Wrong.

Why it’s toxic: The relationship scorecard develops over time because one or both people in a relationship use past wrongdoings in order to try and justify current righteousness. This is a double-whammy of suckage. Not only are you deflecting the current issue itself, but you’re ginning up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate your partner into feeling wrong in the present.

If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they’re less culpable than the other, rather than solving the current problem. People spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each other.

What you should do instead: Deal with issues individually unless they are legitimately connected. If someone habitually cheats, then that’s obviously a recurring problem. But the fact that she embarrassed you in 2010 and now she got sad and ignored you today in 2013 have nothing to do with each other, so don’t bring it up.

You must recognize that by choosing to be with your significant other, you are choosing to be with all of their prior actions and behaviors. If you don’t accept those, then ultimately, you are not accepting them. If something bothered you that much a year ago, you should have dealt with it a year ago. 

2. Dropping “hints” and other passive-aggression

What it is: Instead of stating a desire or thought overtly, your partner tries to nudge you in the right direction of figuring it out yourself. Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting you, you find small and petty ways to piss your partner off so you’ll then feel justified in complaining to them.

Why it’s toxic: Because it shows that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly with one another. A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing any anger or insecurity within the relationship. A person will never feel a need to drop “hints” if they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for it.

What you should do instead: State your feelings and desires openly. And make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to them but that you’d love to have their support. If they love you, they’ll almost always be able to give it. 

3. Holding the relationship hostage

What it is: When one person has a simple criticism or complaint and blackmails the other person by threatening the commitment of the relationship as a whole. For instance, if someone feels like you’ve been cold to them, instead of saying, “I feel like you’re being cold sometimes,” they will say, “I can’t date someone who is cold to me all of the time.”

Why it’s toxic: It’s emotional blackmail and it creates tons of unnecessary drama. Every minor hiccup in the flow of the relationship results in a perceived commitment crisis. It’s crucial for both people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely to one another without it threatening the relationship itself. Otherwise people will suppress their true thoughts and feelings which leads to an environment of distrust and manipulation.

What you should do instead: It’s fine to get upset at your partner or to not like something about them. That’s called being a normal human being. But understand that committing to a person and always liking a person are not the same thing. One can be committed to someone and not like everything about them. One can be eternally devoted to someone yet actually be annoyed or angered by their partner at times. On the contrary, two partners who are capable of communicating feedback and criticism towards one another, only without judgment or blackmail, will strengthen their commitment to one another in the long-run. 

4. Blaming your partner for your own emotions

What it is: Let’s say you’re having a crappy day and your partner isn’t exactly being super sympathetic or supportive at the moment. They’ve been on the phone all day with some people from work. They got distracted when you hugged them. You want to lay around at home together and just watch a movie tonight, but they have plans to go out and see their friends.

So you lash out at them for being so insensitive and callous toward you. You’ve been having a shitty day and they have done nothing about it. Sure, you never asked, but they should just know to make you feel better. They should have gotten off the phone and ditched their plans based on your lousy emotional state.

Why it’s toxic: Blaming our partners for our emotions is a subtle form of selfishness, and a classic example of the poor maintenance of personal boundaries. When you set a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice-versa), you will develop codependent tendencies. Suddenly, they’re not allowed to plan activities without checking with you first. All activities at home—even the mundane ones like reading books or watching TV—must be negotiated and compromised. When someone begins to get upset, all personal desires go out the window because it is now your responsibility to make one another feel better.

The biggest problem of developing these codependent tendencies is that they breed resentment. Sure, if my girlfriend gets mad at me once because she’s had a shitty day and is frustrated and needs attention, that’s understandable. But if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves around her emotional well-being at all times, then I’m soon going to become very bitter and even manipulative towards her feelings and desires.

What you should do instead: Take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs. There’s a subtle yet important difference between being supportive of your partner and being obligated to your partner. Any sacrifices should be made as an autonomous choice and not seen as an expectation. As soon as both people in a relationship become culpable for each other’s moods and downswings, it gives them both incentives to hide their true feelings and manipulate one another. 

5. Displays of “loving” jealousy

What it is: Getting pissed off when your partner talks, touches, calls, texts, hangs out, or sneezes in the general vicinity of another person and then you proceed to take that anger out on your partner and attempt to control their behavior. This often leads to insane behaviors such as hacking into your partner’s email account, looking through their text messages while they’re in the shower or even following them around town and showing up unannounced when they’re not expecting you.

Why it’s toxic: It surprises me that some people describe this as some sort of display of affection. They figure that if their partner wasn’t jealous, then that would somehow mean that they weren’t loved by them.

This is absolutely clownshit crazy to me. It’s controlling and manipulative. It creates unnecessary drama and fighting. It transmits a message of a lack of trust in the other person. And to be honest, it’s demeaning. If my girlfriend cannot trust me to be around other attractive women by myself, then it implies that she believes that I’m either a) a liar, or b) incapable of controlling my impulses. In either case, that’s a woman I do not want to be dating.

What you should do instead: Trust your partner. It’s a radical idea, I know. Some jealousy is natural. But excessive jealousy and controlling behaviors towards your partner are signs of your own feelings of unworthiness and you should learn to deal with them and not force them onto those close to you. Because otherwise you are only going to eventually push that person away. 

6. Buying the solutions to relationship problems

What it is: Any time a major conflict or issue comes up in the relationship, instead of solving it, one covers it up with the excitement and good feelings that come with buying something nice or going on a trip somewhere.

My parents were experts at this one. And it got them real far: a big fat divorce and 15 years of hardly speaking to each other since. They have both since independently told me that this was the primary problem in their marriage: continuously covering up their real issues with superficial pleasures.

Why it’s toxic: Not only does it brush the real problem under the rug (where it will always re-emerge and even worse the next time), but it sets an unhealthy precedent within the relationship. This is not a gender-specific problem, but I will use the traditional gendered situation as an example. Let’s imagine that whenever a woman gets angry at her boyfriend/husband, the man “solves” the issue by buying the woman something nice, or taking her to a nice restaurant or something. Not only does this give the woman unconscious incentive to find more reasons to be upset with the man, but it also gives the man absolutely no incentive to actually be accountable for the problems in the relationship. So what do you end up with? A checked-out husband who feels like an ATM, and an incessantly bitter woman who feels unheard.

What you should do instead: Actually, you know, deal with the problem. Trust was broken? Talk about what it will take to rebuild it. Someone feels ignored or unappreciated? Talk about ways to restore those feelings of appreciation. Communicate!

There’s nothing wrong with doing nice things for a significant other after a fight to show solidarity and to reaffirm commitment. But one should never use gifts or fancy things to replace dealing with the underlying emotional issues. Gifts and trips are called luxuries for a reason, you only get to appreciate them when everything else is already good. If you use them to cover up your problems, then you will find yourself with a much bigger problem down the line.

This post originally appeared on MarkManson.net. Follow @iammarkmanson on Twitter. 

https://qz.com/580940/toxic-relationship-habits-most-people-think-are-normal/ 

This Is How You Lose Her When She Wanted To Be Yours

By Kirsten Corley


You lose her when you make her feel like an option when all she ever did was make you a priority.

You lose her when you keep her at arm’s length when all she’s ever done is choose you.

You lose her a little more every time that you confuse her and draw lines that are too blurry to see.

Because everything she’s ever felt has been in black and white.

You lose her every time you lie to her.

You lose her when you don’t commit. When all she’s ever done is pick you.

You lose her every time you leave her and she feels a little empty.

You lose her every time you use her. Physically or emotionally.

You lose her when you pull away and act like it’s nothing when you return.

You lose her when you tell her to leave then get angry at her going.

You lose her when you play games. Like how you ignore her text just to blow up her newsfeed.

You lose her when you let her in just to push her away.

You lose her when you tell her you like her but not enough to do anything about it.

You lose her every time she fights for you but it’s only her fighting.

You lose her when you tell her that you love her but everything you say is a contradiction of how you act.

You lose her when you don’t answer and she’s left staring at her phone.

You lose her when you give someone else the chance to treat her the way you choose not to.

You lose her when she’s finally had enough and it breaks her to walk away.

You lose her when she looks back and doesn’t see you coming after her.

You lose her when she whispers goodbye when all she wants is a reason to stay.

You lose her because you don’t deserve someone like her.

And ironically it’ll only be after you lose her do you realize what you had. But by then it’ll already be too late.

 

 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kirsten-corley/2017/06/this-is-how-you-lose-her-when-she-wanted-to-be-yours/ 

To the Man I Thought Was ‘The One,’ (or My Almost, Not Quite Love)

This is the last time I will ever write about you. I’ve given you pages, chapters, BOOKS of my life…but now it’s time for me to write a new story now. One without you in it.

I’m ready to do that now. But to start a new chapter, you must first close the old one.

For years I asked God to bring closure to this relationship with you…or if not closure, at least a little clarity about what it all meant. This on again, off again, never quite together, never quite apart, yes and no, back and forth relationship. What was your greater purpose in my life, if not to be my forever love? It just didn’t make sense to me. But then again, I guess that’s what faith is all about: Trusting God and moving forward anyway, even when it doesn’t make sense. And that’s what I did. For seven long years. I thought I knew the ending. I thought I knew God’s plan.

But I was wrong.

Instead of walking down an aisle to you, I walked down a long, often heartbreaking path with you…one that tested me, challenged me, tried me, and always, always pushed me closer to God. I spent years trying to get closer to you, but God in His infinite wisdom knew that what I really needed was more of Him. And that’s what this relationship represents to me. It’s what it will always represent to me: A giant question mark in my life that pushed me ever closer to the One who is the answer…the One who is the beginning and the end…the One who loves me enough to heal any wounds left by someone who could never quite love me enough. It wasn’t until I was willing to finally surrender you 100% to God that He was able to show me the reason for you. The bigger picture. The purpose of every tear, every disappointment, every one of the seven long years I spent waiting for you to love me back.

You see, my almost, not quite, love…the number seven in the Bible represents “completion.” And God showed me early on in that seventh year of you and I that it would be the year of our completion, one way or the other. And over the course of that seventh year, the meaning of our relationship came completely into focus: You weren’t the one I was meant to share my life with. You never were. You were the one who was there to teach me how to share my life, my whole life, my whole heart and soul, with God. Completely and unequivocally, holding nothing back.

“Pursue Me the way you want a man to pursue you, Mandy…” God had whispered into my heart during one of our many quiet times.

You see, my almost, not quite, love…there came a day when my eyes were opened to the fact that the way you had been with me for all those years -- wishy-washy, lukewarm, undecided, half in, half out – was the way I had been with God. Never fully committed. On fire one day and ice cold the next. Unwilling to invest my full self into the relationship. How it must have broken His heart.

The same way you broke mine, over and over again.

And one final time, on a summer day of that seventh year, when you looked me in the eyes, and finally told me once and for all: I don’t love you.

You could have told me that at any point during those seven long ears…but you didn’t.

And you know what? I’m glad you didn’t. Because the further away you pulled from me…the closer you pushed me to God. Oh, the conversations I had with God that started off about you but turned into intimate, precious, communion with Him about every topic under the sun! I spoke, He listened. He spoke, I listened. So many heartfelt, transparent, real, raw, candid moments I shared with my precious Jesus…all because I was driven to my knees in prayer about you and for you.

So you see, my almost, not quite love: I don’t regret you. How could I? We had some beautiful moments over the years, yes…but the moments I had with God as a result of our not-so-beautiful moments are ones I will cherish forever. No, I don’t regret you. You taught me how to embrace the Beautiful Uncertainty of my life and to trust that nothing, absolutely nothing bad can happen to me that God can’t find a way to turn for good.

You taught me that giving one’s heart away is always brave, regardless of whether or not the other person chooses to accept it.

You taught me how to love myself better. You taught me how to love other people better. And most of all, you taught me how to love GOD better.

Without you, I might not be the woman I am today.

Thank you.

Mandy

http://www.beliefnet.com/love-family/relationships/dating/to-the-man-i-thought-was-the-one-or-my-almost-not-quite-love.aspx?utm_source=JesusChristPageDecember&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=GlobalScope

 

 

What Is It That We Really Want From Our Partners?

... and the 4 major choices everyone has to make. 

Jeremy Nicholson M.S.W., Ph.D.
The Attraction Doctor

 

 

When we think about human mate preferences, our own unique and specific preferences first come to mind. After all, each of us can speak to what we personally find attractive and compatible in a partner. For some, that might be a person who is handsome or beautiful in a particular way. For others, it might be a special, positive personality characteristic. Regardless, we tend to think that each of us seeks some trait or combination of traits that is completely different and distinct.

Beneath that, however, there are certain categories of features that we all consider when choosing a romantic partner. In other words, we all pick something unique, but after selecting from some standard types of partners and traits.

Therefore, by knowing the general categories people evaluate in a mate, you can make better specific selections with your own partners—and be more desirable to others, too.

 

Research on Human Mate Preference

The idea that there are universal ideals or dimensions in mate preference emerged from research by Fletcher and associates (Fletcher et al., 1999). In two studies, the team asked undergraduate students to list and then rate ideal romantic partner characteristics. Using factor analysis on the results, the researchers found three underlying dimensions that the participants considered when describing their mate preferences. 

• Warmth-Trustworthiness. This category contained descriptions such as: understanding, supportive, considerate, kind, good listener, sensitive, trustworthy, warm, affectionate, reliable, friendly, communicative, honest, mature, stable, romantic, broad-minded, easygoing, and self-aware.

• Vitality-Attractiveness. This category contained descriptions such as: adventurous, nice body, outgoing, sexy, attractive, good lover, attractive lifestyle, sporty, athletic, confident, independent, ambitious, interesting, spontaneous, good fun, sense of humor, and assertive.

• Status-Resources. This category contained descriptions such as: good job, financially secure, nice house/apartment, appropriate ethnicity, successful, dresses well, and appropriate age.

Further studies by Fletcher and associates (1999) confirmed and validated these three categories. In addition, they also showed a relationship between these categories and actual partner satisfaction: The more a partner matched an individual's ideals, the more positively the individual evaluated their current relationship.
 

Shackelford, Schmitt, and Buss performed another analysis of mate preference dimensions (2005). They re-analyzed an older data set, containing mate preference ratings provided for 18 characteristics by several thousand participants from cultures around the world. Although this research found some similar categorical results as Fletcher and team (1999) above, the larger data set seemed to indicate that preferences aligned on certain dimension of trade-offs as well, specifically:

• Love vs. Status/Resources. People make psychological trade-offs to seek out either a partner who is ambitious, has good financial prospects, and is of high status, or who is loving and attracted to them.

• Dependable/Stable vs. Looks/Health. Mate seekers also look for a lover who is primarily either stable and mature, or good looking and healthy.

• Education/Intelligence vs. Desire for Home/Children. Individuals pick a mate who is either more highly educated and intelligent, or more oriented toward desiring a home and children.

• Sociability vs. Similar Religion. Finally, people appear to either focus on finding a partner who has a sociable and pleasing disposition overall, or someone who has a similar religious background. 

 

Additional results showed that men and women often differ in how they resolve these trade-offs: Specifically, men regularly choose to look for a loving partner who is good looking and healthy, and wants a home and children. Women, in contrast, frequently prefer a mate who has status and resources, and is dependable, stable, educated, and intelligent. There was no gender difference in expressing a preference for sociability or religion. 

Identifying Your Ideals and Trade-offs

Given the research above, it seems that we all do consider the same general categories of features when choosing romantic partners. Nevertheless, each of us also has different preferences and makes individual trade-offs among those categories to meet our unique needs.

If you are unclear about what you want and need in a romantic partner, considering the categories and trade-offs above is a good place to start. Try to think about the following:

• Define ideal partner characteristics. First, consider what characteristics you prefer within the general categories above. Would you like your partner to have a generally pleasant personality, a more romantic nature, or an easygoing disposition? Do you find a nice body, an athletic look, or an assertive style beautiful or handsome? Do you want a partner to have the status or resources to give and invest in you too?

 

• Decide on preferences and trade-offs. Everyone has a different balance of features—and no one's approach is perfect. Therefore, it is important to decide which features are essential for your satisfaction, and which you like­ but could do without. Given the choice, do you want someone who cares for you emotionally, or provides tangible resources? Do you prefer they focus on a partner's physical health and attractiveness, or their mental health and stability? Should they spend their time on education and career achievement, or managing a loving home and caring for children? Would you rather a mate who is generally social and compatible, or who shares your deeper values and religious ideals?

• Assess yourself, too. Relationships are a trade and exchange. Therefore, potential partners will be looking for a match for their own ideals and making their own trade-offs, just like you. As a result, it is important to evaluate what you have to offer back to a partner: How have you made yourself attractive? What is positive and warm about your personality? What resources and skills do you have to share? Along the way, what trade-offs have you made in developing yourself as an individual and partner?

Overall, while we each desire a unique combination of features in a partner, we all choose from among the same basic categories and trade-offs. We work with those categories and compromises as we make choices about who we will also become as partners. Therefore, when considering what you want in a romantic partner and what you will give in return, it is helpful to keep those basic criteria in mind—and decide on the specifics from there.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201511/what-is-it-we-really-want-our-partners?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost 

The Best Expression of Love Is Time

By Rick Warren — October 12, 2016

“We must show love through actions that are sincere, not through empty words” (1 John 3:18 GW).

The second truth you need to remember if you want to reduce the stress and overload in your life is this: The best expression of love is time.

You spell love T-I-M-E. The Bible says in 1 John 3:18, “We must show love through actions that are sincere, not through empty words” (GW).

The most desired gift of love is focused attention. I want to see your eyes. I want to talk. I want to listen. I want to commune. I want to fellowship. I want you! The greatest gift you can give anybody is your time. It’s the most precious and desired gift because your time is your life.

Time is your most precious commodity. You only have a certain amount of it. God’s already decided the number of days you are going to live. You’re not going to get any more. You can always get more money, but you cannot get more time. Every time you give someone your time, you are giving that person a portion of your life that you will never get back. That’s why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.

Many people are in time-starved relationships. You live in the same home, but you’re passing each other by night like ships, with a goodbye kiss here and there, and your relationship is shriveling. It’s drying up for lack of attention.

A lot of things can rob a relationship. Work can rob a relationship. Activity can rob a relationship. Too much church involvement or ministry can rob a relationship. Hobbies can rob a relationship.

You may wonder, “How can I have more time for those I love?” Start by turning off the TV and unplugging the computer! It’s amazing to me that people sit and watch a program on TV called “Friends” instead of making friends. They will watch “Party of Five” instead of having a party for five. They will watch a show called “Talk to Me” instead of talking to those that they love the most.

If you want to revitalize a dying relationship, a dying marriage, or a dying friendship, it’s got to start with you investing more of yourself by giving away your time. You will find that as you express your love through time, you will be a blessing to others, and you will enjoy a deeper, more meaningful relationship with them.

PLAY today’s audio teaching from Pastor Rick >>

Talk It Over
What are the things — even if they are not necessarily bad things — that are keeping you from giving your time to people in your life?
If you are in a dying relationship, what changes will you make to show that person that you want to give more of yourself by giving him or her your time?
Is quality time one of your “love languages”? Even if it doesn’t seem important to you, how do you think the people you love perceive quality time with you? 

The World Needs More One-Woman Men

Article by
David Mathis
Executive Editor, desiringGod.org
http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-world-needs-more-one-woman-men


The “one-woman man” may seem like an endangered species today. In our over-sexualized and sexually confused society, it’s increasingly rare to come across married men who are truly faithful to their bride — in body, heart, and mind. It may be even more rare to find unmarried men who are on the trajectory for that kind of fidelity to a future wife. Jaws will drop when a handsome, eligible bachelor declares he’s a virgin waiting for the wedding night.

Of the fifteen basic qualifications for the office of elder in the local church (1 Timothy 3:1–7), being a one-woman man may be the one that runs most against the grain of our society. We’re relentlessly pushed in precisely the opposite direction. Television, movies, advertising, and just about everything else conditions the twenty-first-century male to approach women as a consumer of many, instead of as a protector and servant of one. The models teach our men to selfishly compromise and take, rather than to passionately cultivate and guard fidelity to one woman.

But what’s rare in society is often easier to find, thank God, in biblically faithful churches. The true gospel is explosively powerful, even under such intense pressure from a world like ours. You can be pure. You can detox. You can walk a different path by the power of God’s Spirit, even if that other path was once yours. In the company of others who enjoy deeper pleasures than promiscuity, you can become the one-woman man our world needs.
 

For All Christians

Just because being a one-woman man is essential for church leaders does not mean it’s irrelevant for every Christian. The elder qualifications, says D.A. Carson, are remarkable for being unremarkable. What’s demanded of church officers is not academic decoration, world-class intellect, or talents above the common man. Rather, the elders are to be examples of normal, healthy, mature Christianity (1 Peter 5:3). The elder qualifications are the flashpoints of the Christian maturity to which every believer should aspire, and which every Christian, with God’s help, can attain.

God never meant for us to relegate one-woman manhood to the leaders. It’s the glorious, serious, joy-filled calling of every follower of Christ. It’s a word for every Christian man (and every Christian woman to be a “one-man woman,” 1 Timothy 5:9). And it’s relevant for married and unmarried men alike.

For Husbands and Bachelors

Clearly, one-woman man applies to married men. In faithfulness to the marriage covenant, the married man is to be utterly committed in mind, heart, and body to his one wife. Being a one-woman man, then, has implications for where we go, how we interact with other women, what we do with our eyes, where we let our thoughts run, what we look at on our computers and smartphones, and how we watch movies and television.

It’s also relevant for married men in the positive sense, not just the negative. A married Christian must not be a zero-woman man, living as though he isn’t married, neglecting to care adequately for his wife and family. If you’re married, faithfulness to the covenant requires your interests being divided (1 Corinthians 7:35), but only with one woman.

Do you have to be married to be a one-woman man? The challenge to be a one-woman man applies not only to married men, but the unmarried as well. Are you a flirt? Do you move flippantly from one dating relationship to another? Do you enjoy the thrill of connecting emotionally with new women without moving with intentionality toward clarity about marriage?

Long before marriage, bachelors are setting (and displaying) their trajectory of fidelity. In every season of life and every relationship, however serious, they are preparing themselves to be a one-woman man, or not, by how they engage with and treat the women in their lives.
 

Isn’t It “Husband of One Wife”?

Perhaps at this point, you’re feeling the weight of this phrase “one-woman man” both for elder qualification and for Christian manhood in general. Don’t most of our translations read “husband of one wife” in 1 Timothy 3:2 and Titus 1:6? That seems like a simple box to check. It’s either true or it’s not — none of these questions about whether your eyes and mind might be wandering unfaithfully.

This may be the most debated of the elder qualifications in 1 Timothy 3:1–7 and Titus 1:5–9. Some say it means that church leaders must be married; others say it means no divorcees; others claim it was designed to weed out polygamists. But one problem, among others, with each of those interpretations is that they make the qualification objective — plainly true or false — rather than subjective like every one of the other fourteen qualifications.

The traits for leadership in the local church are brilliantly designed to queue up the plurality of elders to make a decision together about a man’s readiness for ministry. Soberminded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable — these are subjective categories that require careful thought and evaluation. I believe Paul intended us to read “one-woman man” as needing the same spirit of discernment, not as a black-and-white, no-exceptions rule. Is this man today, through years of tested faithfulness, faithful to his wife with his mind, heart, and body? Is he above reproach in the way he relates with women? Is he manifestly a one-woman man?
 

Ask Yourself

Men, ask yourself this question, and be ruthlessly honest: “Am I a one-woman man?” What, if anything, in my life would call this into question? What habits, what relationships, what patterns do I need to bring into the light with trusted brothers, and ask God afresh to make me truly, deeply, gloriously, increasingly a one-woman man?

If you’re married, what’s your reputation? Do people think of you — your thoughts, your speech, your actions — as joyfully and ruthlessly faithful to your wife? Or is there some question? Are you known for demonstrating self-control publically and privately for the sake of the purity and fidelity of your marriage?

If unmarried, what do your friendships and relationships look like with the opposite sex? Do you genuinely treat them “as sisters, in all purity” (1 Timothy 5:2)? Are you dabbling with pornography, trying to stop, but still allowing room for it? Or have you simply become desensitized to it all because of the boundaries being crossed on television and in movies? In your thought life, on the Internet, in your interactions, are you a one-woman man waiting for your one woman?

In Christ, we need not be satisfied with anything less. Try as hard as you can, you will not be satisfied. But in Christ, we are called to be one-woman men in a world that expects and encourages far less. And in Christ, you have the resources you need to see that fidelity become reality.

How Training For A Marathon Does Help With Heartbreak

By Caitlyn Pilkington

Over the course of our lives, experiencing heartbreak in some form is usually unavoidable. Everyone endures loss in some form or another, whether it’s a romantic relationship, family member, friend or job. And while it’s certainly tempting to wallow in bed with a pint of ice cream, that’s one of the worst things you can do to recover. Instead, engaging in physical activity can help you deal with the pain and heal the heartbreak. Dr. Ken Yeager, Director of the Stress, Trauma and Resilience Program at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center, says the best cure for a broken heart may actually be running a marathon. Dr. Yeager spoke with us about the parallels between running and relationships, the connection between heartbreak and health, and the incredible physical and mental benefits that come from committing to training for a race.

Women’s Running: Why is heartbreak so detrimental to our mental and physical health?

Ken Yeager: Investing in a relationship is an emotional risk. We not only invest time and effort, but often times we also invest our self-worth and self-identity and place at risk our self-perception when investing in a relationship. If one invests in a project at work and the project is delayed or rejected, there can (at times) be a good business reason for the decision not to move forward.

This is not always the case with a relationship. Frequently, when a relationship fails, persons who have invested don’t have a good reason for why the relationship didn’t work. We may intellectually understand why it didn’t work, but that doesn’t always impact the emotional investment. You can understand why and still be left emotionally drained, hurt and, at times, stunned. To make this even more difficult individuals don’t always emotionally invest at the same level, so naturally the person who invests more is at risk at having a greater negative impact on their emotional and physical wellbeing. Often times, emotional dysregulation leads to deterioration of physical health. People stop taking care of themselves, they stop working out, stop eating right. After all, isn’t junk food one cure for the symptoms of a broken heart?

 

WR: Why should we commit to something as long-term as training for a marathon? Why not just exercise until we feel better and have moved on?

KY: It’s more than just getting to the point of feeling better. It is really more about self-confidence and building resilience. When a relationship ends it is not unusual to question your ability to be a success. Running a marathon is one measure of success. It’s kind of like writing the great American novel—many attempt to do so, but there are few who actually succeed. The boost to self-confidence and self-esteem is remarkable. If you can complete a marathon you are most likely to be able to move forward in many aspects of your life successfully.

There is also the commitment aspect, as both relationships and completing a marathon are about commitment. You have to be able to make a commitment to the training for the marathon. Doing so successfully paves the way for some to be able [to take a risk and commit] to other major efforts—like relationships in the future. There is also the risk factor, as committing to a marathon is a risk, the most obvious being failure. This could backfire if your motivation isn’t that great or if you haven’t ever attempted even a 5K, but the payoff is substantial if you can take the risk and you succeed.
 

WR: What’s the connection between the emotional aspect of heartbreak and the physical aspect of running?

KY: There are aspects of a marathon and a relationship that parallel one another; as stated above, risk and commitment are present in both relationships and preparing for a race of any length. When one runs, it offers a free space in your mind to think and process many emotionally difficult issues. Many runners report their best thinking occurs when running, as running gives them time to process and to really think through difficult issues. It is almost as if running provides a perfect format for processing a break-up.

In many cases trauma can be an accumulation of smaller traumatic events. In relationships that have been emotionally traumatizing, movement and the effort associated with movement is freeing. This, combined with a format for thinking and processing the emotional turmoil, is a naturally healing process. Initially, many run to avoid their emotional pain but find they run toward and eventually through the heartbreak rather than running away from the pain.
 

 

WR: Can running regularly help prevent the pain/anger of future heartbreak?

KY: Running is a tool—the more tools we have in our tool box, the better equipped we are to handle the challenges life sends our way. Running is not a magic bullet or a cure-all for the pain and anger of future heartbreak. It is more of a tool that can be used to help cope. Life necessitates the development of coping skills. The more we work to nurture our coping and the more tools we collect and the better skill with which we use our tools the better prepared we will be to cope with the future challenges life brings us. 

http://womensrunning.competitor.com/2016/09/health-wellness/training-marathon-helps-heartbreak_65249

 

Questions to Ask When Preparing for Marriage

 http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/questions-to-ask-when-preparing-for-marriage

 

Article by John Piper
Founder & Teacher, desiringGod.org

In each of these sections one item could be added that I have not listed, namely, How do you handle and live with differences? How do you decide what can remain differences without jeopardizing the relationship? So as you deal with each subheading, include that in the discussion. 

Theology 

 

• What do you believe about . . . everything?

• Perhaps read through the Desiring God Affirmation of Faith to see what you each believe about various biblical doctrines.

• Discover how you form your views. What is the reasoning-believing process? How do you handle the Bible? 

 

Worship and Devotion 

 

• How important is corporate worship? Other participation in church life?

• How important is it to be part of a small accountability/support group?

• What is the importance of music in life and worship?

• What are your daily personal devotional practices? (Prayer, reading, meditation, memorization)

• What would our family devotions look like? Who leads out in this?

• Are we doing this now in an appropriate way: praying together about our lives and future, reading the Bible together?

 

Husband and Wife

 

• What is the meaning of headship and submission in the Bible and in our marriage?

• What are expectations about situations where one of us might be alone with someone of the opposite sex?

• How are tasks shared in the home: cleaning, cooking, washing dishes, yard work, car upkeep, repairs, shopping for food, and household stuff?

• What are the expectations for togetherness?

• What is an ideal non-special evening?

• How do you understand who initiates sex and how often?

• Who does the checkbook — or are there two?

 

Children

 

• Should we have children? If so, when? Why?

• How many?

• How far apart?

• Would we consider adoption?

• What are the standards of behavior?

• What are the appropriate ways to discipline them? How many strikes before they’re . . . whatever?

• What are the expectations of time spent with them and when they go to bed?

• What signs of affection will you show them?

• What about school? Home school? Christian school? Public school?

 

Lifestyle

 

• Own a home or not? Why?

• What kind of neighborhood? Why?

• How many cars? New? Used?

• View of money in general. How much to the church?

• How do you make money decisions?

• Where will you buy clothes: Department store? Thrift store? In between? Why?

 

Entertainment

 

• How much money should we spend on entertainment?

• How often should we eat out? Where?

• What kind of vacations are appropriate and helpful for us?

• How many toys? Snowmobile, boat, cabin?

• Should we have a television? Where? What is fitting to watch? How much?

• What are the criteria for movies and theater? What will our guidelines be for the kids?

 

Conflict

 

• What makes you angry?

• How do you handle your frustration or anger?

• Who should bring up an issue that is bothersome?

• What if we disagree both about what should be done and whether it is serious?

• Will we go to bed angry at each other?

• What is our view of getting help from friends or counselors?

 

Work

 

• Who is the main breadwinner?

• Should the wife work outside the home? Before kids? With kids at home? After kids?

• What are your views of daycare for children?

• What determines where we will locate? Job? Whose job? Church? Family?

 

Friends

 

• Is it good to do things with friends but without spouse?

• What will we do if one of us really likes to hang out with so and so and the other doesn’t?

 

Health and Sickness

 

• Do you have, or have you had any, sicknesses or physical problems that could affect our relationship? (Allergies, cancer, eating disorders, venereal disease, etc.)

• Do you believe in divine healing, and how would prayer relate to medical attention?

• How do you think about exercise and healthy eating?

• Do you have any habits that adversely affect health?

How To Be An Amazing Girlfriend/Wife/Partner

Sabrina Alexis

There is so much misinformation out there about what it takes to be a great partner. It’s not about cooking his favorite food or wearing sexy lingerie or mastering some crazy sexual trick. (I’m not saying these things don’t help, but they don’t get to the heart of the matter!) Understanding how men think and what they need in a relationship makes an enormous difference in the way you’re able to relate to one another.

The top prerequisite for being in a great relationship is to be your best self. A trap that many people in relationships fall into is blaming their partner when problems arise. Rather than seeing what they can do to make things better, they blame him for not being what they want and think that if only he did XYZ, then everything would be fine.

It doesn’t work that way. You can’t ever make someone what you want them to be. All you can do is bring your best. When you do this, the other person will usually rise up and match you at your level.

While every guy has his own preferences when it comes to the physical, there are several fundamental qualities that all men crave in a woman.

Here are the most essential ways to be the most amazing partner ever: 

Be Direct (Not Passive-Aggressive) 

 

The majority of problems in a relationship occur because the woman expects a man to meet her needs and then resents him when he doesn’t. She doesn’t ask for what she wants because he should just “know.” She may drop hints to help him out and then become even more annoyed when he doesn’t pick up on them. The man, in turn, gets frustrated that nothing he does seems to be good enough. Eventually he gets discouraged and stops trying, and she feels even more resentful. Neither side has bad intentions; the problem is they aren’t communicating properly because men and women have very different styles of communication. Men do not pick up on nuances and subtleties in the same way women do; they need things spelled out in a clear and direct manner.

If you’re mad at him, don’t act passive-aggressive until he asks what’s wrong (to which you may reply “nothing,” which he’ll take to mean nothing is wrong, after which you’ll continue to simmer because he should freakin’ know it’s something!) Just tell him what he did wrong. In relationships it’s not usually what you say, it’s how you say it. If you tell a guy something he is doing is upsetting or hurting you, and you say it in a loving, compassionate way, I guarantee he will try to fix it. If you come from a place of anger or resentment, he’ll shut down and will be less motivated to correct it. Sigmund Freud is regarded as one of the most brilliant minds in psychology and even he had no idea what women want, so how do you expect the average guy to know?

Most arguments in relationships stem from deeper underlying issues that never get discussed or resolved. Maybe a woman feels like her guy doesn’t really care about her, or isn’t committed to her because he isn’t as attentive as he was in the beginning of the relationship. Instead of being direct about it, she freaks out on him if he doesn’t call her back one night or doesn’t do the dishes after she slaved away cooking dinner for him. From there a big fight may ensue over something trivial while the real issue goes untouched. When you want something, or don’t want something, just tell him. 

Appreciate Him

Most women don’t realize how starved men are for appreciation; I certainly had no idea until I started writing about relationships full time. The problem is that we usually love others the way we like to be loved, and women typically feel loved when a man is being giving and attentive to her and her needs. Because of that, many women will be extra giving to their man. While this is very nice and appreciated, it’s not what men really crave.

What a man deeply desires is feeling acknowledged and appreciated for what he provides. He wants to feel like his efforts were a success. This applies to everything he does from taking you out to a fancy dinner to taking out the trash.

If he takes you out on a nice date, acknowledge and appreciate him for it and tell him you had an amazing time. Men are typically more responsive to compliments about something they’ve done rather than who they are, as I described in the previous section.

When a woman really sees and appreciates her man, it makes him feel like the ultimate winner and makes him want to do anything to keep her happy.

Another important relationship skill is to try to see the intention behind an action, and appreciate that. I have a personal example for this. Years ago I was dating a guy and one night he called and asked if he could come over. It was getting late and I was exhausted, but he said he’d be over in a half hour so I agreed. An hour and half later he still hadn’t arrived and I was fuming! Where could he be? Why is he even bothering to come over this late? Why do I have to wait up for him when I just need sleep! He finally showed up carrying something that smelled delicious. I immediately went off on him for making me wait up for him and he sheepishly said, “I’m sorry, I wanted to surprise you and bring over a quesadilla from that place you love because I know you’ve been working so hard and barely have time to eat.” Even though I was starving and had been fiending for a quesadilla, my anger had been building for an hour and didn’t subside, and the rest of the night was uncomfortable and tense.

The mistake I made was in looking at the action (him being late), rather than the intention (him wanting to do something nice to make me happy). I’m not saying I shouldn’t have been annoyed by his lateness, but the night probably would have gone a lot differently had I at least appreciated his good intentions…then later I could have nicely mentioned that the next time there was an hour-long line at the place, he should just buy me a bag of chips and call it a day!

No one is perfect and no matter how great your relationship, there will be times when he isn’t doing something exactly the way you’d like him to. You’ll get a lot further, and do a huge service to your relationship, if you focus on what he is doing right rather than focusing on what he isn’t. 

Give Him Space When He Needs It

Another major difference between men and woman is in the way they handle stress and difficulties. While women typically seek out their friends and want to talk about it, men would rather retreat into the proverbial man cave and deal with it on their own. A woman might get upset when this happens and think he’s shutting her out, but it really has nothing to do with her—it’s just how he deals with things.

If your boyfriend seems stressed out and begins to withdraw, just let him be. Don’t coddle him or offer unsolicited advice or get on his case about why he isn’t confiding in you. If he wants to talk about it with you, he will. If he doesn’t and you continue to push him, you will just be another source of stress in his life that he needs to deal with, and he’ll withdraw even further.

Men intuitively know that it isn’t easy for women to give them space when they need it, so if you can do it without feeling angry or resentful, you’ll be the woman who touches him more deeply than any other. 

Maintain Your Own Life outside of the Relationship

This tip isn’t just for his sake, it’s for yours. I swear sometimes I feel like I should throw a goodbye party when a friend of mine gets a boyfriend because she’ll literally fall off the map! I know I won’t be seeing her at Sunday brunches or fun nights out. She won’t want to come away with the girls for the weekend. Getting face time with her will never be easy, and eventually I’ll give up and resign myself to the fact that I’ll either see her again at her wedding or if she becomes single again (in which case, she’ll be back in full force and down for anything!)

It’s not just my friends; women make this mistake all the time (myself included!) They get into a relationship and the guy becomes the center of their universe. This is never healthy! For one thing, it kind of puts your relationship in a holding pattern and creates a scenario where you can be dating for years and years without taking the next step. If a guy is getting all of you, all the time, there’s no reason for him to take that extra step…but that’s a whole different discussion.

Another issue is that your relationship can’t be your only source of happiness and fulfillment; you need to have a balanced life with several components filling you up in different areas. If you throw all of that away for your guy, then you add a lot of pressure to the relationship and will never feel completely satisfied with what you’re getting from it (mostly because no one can be your everything). You may start to resent your partner and feel that he owes you more since you gave up so much for him, but that’s not fair because the sacrifices you made were your choice. Another reason not maintaining your own life outside of the relationship is problematic is that you may end up staying in a bad relationship for far longer than you should because, well, you have nothing else to go back to.

Men typically fall in love with a woman in her absence, not her presence. If you’re always there he won’t experience that deepening of the bond. To keep your relationship fresh and invigorating, it’s essential to have time apart to do your own things. It gives you a break from the emotional intoxication of the relationship so you can see things more objectively, and it also takes some pressure off of the relationship and allows it to unfold more organically. I know it’s tempting to hang out with him every time he asks, I know it’s flattering when a guy wants so much of your time, I know you may think it’s because he is just so crazy about you…and maybe he is, but giving in every single time is just not a good strategy. If he’s a decent guy, he’ll respect your boundaries and will encourage you to do your own thing on occasion. 

Take Care of Yourself

Don’t stop working out, eating healthy, getting waxed, shaving your legs, blow-drying your hair, or any other healthy or beautifying activity that was a part of your life pre-relationship. Yes, it’s easy to slide into a more laissez-faire approach when you’re in a relationship, but if you do that then it won’t be long before you’re searching up and down to retrieve the burning spark that once existed.

Look, you don’t need to be red carpet ready at all times, but you really should make an effort to try to maintain your appearance and look good for your guy. You put your best face forward during those first few months of dating, and there’s no reason for it to stop once things are more established. It will keep the passion and lust alive in your relationship and also, it makes a man feel really good when a woman puts in effort to look beautiful for him.

The funny thing I notice is that women in relationships (again, myself included), will lounge around the house in sweats and a messy bun and no makeup when they’re home with their guy, but will put on a face-full of makeup and get decked out when going out…to impress strangers? The whole thing is so backwards. A guy friend once lamented to me that his girlfriend had put on about 15 pounds since they’d started dating and canceled her gym membership. He told me he was still very much attracted to her, but he just couldn’t understand why she wasn’t taking care of herself anymore, and that was more of a turn-off than the weight gain. He felt stuck because there was no way to say something without her being offended and hurt. He pleaded with me to spread the gospel and tell women that while a man’s love isn’t solely contingent on physical appearance, it’s really important (and attractive) to continue to take care of yourself like you did when you first met…and so I have! 

Smile!

This is another tip that will enormously help your relationship, but also your life in general. Men cannot resist a woman with a smile. In fact, every guy I know has said that a positive attitude is the number-one most attractive quality a woman can have. Look, life isn’t always going to be rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes the poop hits the fan, but your life will be a much better place overall if you can tackle it all with a smile and the conviction that it will all work out.

This kind of energy is infectious. It draws people towards you and it makes you the kind of woman a man will want to be with forever. Don’t use your guy as a sounding board or your relationship as an emotional dumping ground. When your guy comes home, greet him with a smile…and then vent if you had a rough day and need to let it out.

Try to see the good in all situations, both in your relationship and outside of it. The things that happen in our lives, for the most part, are neutral. What makes them good or bad is our perceptions and the thoughts we attach to them. 

Respect Your Man

It goes without saying that an ideal woman is one who respects herself, but she also genuinely respects her man.

In addition to needing to be appreciated, men have an enormous need to feel respected. This is true of all humans, but usually this desire burns stronger in men. A man feel respected when a woman appreciates who he is and what he needs and gives him space to express himself without making demands on him and prioritizing herself over him.

Respect means accepting that he needs certain things, even if they are in opposition to what you want or need. For example, when men get stressed or feel unbalanced, they usually like to retreat into their “cave” to sort things out. They don’t necessarily like talking through the problem and would rather work it out on their own and then come back into the relationship re-charged.

So let’s say your guy is having a hard time and needs some time alone, but you really want him to be open and honest with you and to share his feelings. Respecting him entails putting what’s best for him above what you want. In this case, it would be giving him the space to work through his issues even though you would prefer that he talk to you about it, because that’s what’s going to be most beneficial for him.

It also means respecting who he is, how he lives his life, and what his opinions are. Respect does not look like rolling your eyes when he says something you don’t agree with (or think is the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard) and it doesn’t look like not at least hearing him out and validating his opinion. It’s never nice or fair to make someone feel like an idiot just because you don’t quite see where they’re coming from, and a really important skill is being able to listen to and respect another person’s. 

Respect Yourself

A man cannot love or care for a woman unless he respects her—it just won’t happen. And a man cannot genuinely respect a woman who will put up with anything. While in theory a man would love to get away with everything, in reality there is nothing interesting or appealing about it. A lot of women are afraid to be firm in their convictions because they don’t want to seem demanding or needy (which is funny because only needy people compromise on what they want).

Bending over backwards for a guy and letting him get away with treating you badly because you don’t want to seem like a nag will guarantee more bad behavior, and eventually it will take a big hit on your sense of self. So figure out what you want and what you won’t compromise on. And don’t be afraid to walk away when he doesn’t give you what you know you deserve. It’s only when you’re not afraid to walk away that he’ll do anything to make you stay.

Putting up with poor treatment indicates you don’t respect yourself. Each time you accept and forgive him for bad behavior, you are actually enforcing that it’s OK for him to treat you badly.

At the core of having self-respect is having healthy boundaries. Having strong boundaries means you prioritize your needs and your emotions and do not assume responsibility for someone else’s needs and emotions. When a woman has strong boundaries, she demonstrates confidence, self-respect, and a high sense of self-worth. Weak boundaries, on the other hand, are a sign of insecurity and low self-esteem.

If you don’t have strong boundaries, a man doesn’t have to work to get you. He can have you whenever he wants; you’ll drop what you’re doing to see him, you’ll work around his schedule, his needs will suddenly become your needs. A guy might stick around for this, but this is not the kind of woman a man yearns for and deeply commits to.

A woman with healthy boundaries will not lose herself in a relationship and will not allow her identity to be entirely contingent upon how he sees her. She brings her best self to the relationship, and if problems arise she doesn’t blame herself and assume the responsibility for solving them. She acts in accordance with who she is and what she believes, and doesn’t modify who she is for the sakeof getting a guy or keeping him interested. 

 

 

Major Throwback: 14-05-2011 ~ Ta-Daa!! Here Comes the Narrator =)

Back in May 2011, I went to Bangkok with a group of friends and thanks to Facebook Memories, I was reminded of this Note that I have posted on the trip. I want to keep this precious memory, hence transferring it from FB to my personal blog.

 

As I read back this post, I see myself changed; from the way I see things, to the way I express myself. Hence, things will change, only memories remain...

It is always amazing to see how God brings (us) together; two people from different background, meet under common circumstances, and then fell in love with each other, followed by courtship and finally, plan to walk along the wonderful journey, namely marriage, hand in hand till death do (us) apart ~

In the Bible, 1 Corinthians 13:13 says ~
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13: 4 - 8 ~
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

Love is wonderful, Amen :) With love, we are able to accept each other's shortcomings and with acceptance, there is sense of security. Whenever we see wonderful couples walking along the aisle, we feel touched because love has brought them together.

I am often touched by the couple's thanksgiving speech at the end of the wedding ceremony. When they thank their parents for their love, followed by their thankfulness to relatives, friends, and even acquaintances; this shows how powerful love is. With love, everything is possible.

I always find it amazing when we witness how God works in us human. At first both are imperfect, but we are made perfect in God's love; with His love and presence, both imperfect people are able to accept each other from deep inside their heart ~ what a wonderful picture.

Have you seen a couple whom you think are not a match in the eyes of people? For instance, in terms of education level, physical attractiveness, family backgrounds etc. However, love does not view these things with the human eye, especially when God's love intervenes.

I used to have a long list of requirements on my future partner, however knowing that myself is imperfect, I just have one requirement ~ a God-fearing man who is willing & able to accept my shortcomings with love ~

Oops, too much into my narration huh :p
Here comes the story:-

The GUY came with an ULTIMATE motive
The GAL came with only ONE purpose
Both came to the same destination

The GUY plans to give the GAL a BIG SURPRISE!
The GAL has some expectation from the GUY
Both have different form of expectation from this trip

Tick Tock, Tick Tock
Finally the time comes ~ 10th May, which is also the GAL's birthday date
The GUY starts to execute his plan with his accomplices :p
Accomplices ~ TWO Handsome Guys & TWO Pretty Ladies :))

First, to ask the GAL to go up to a specific venue
Then to blindfold the GAL to play a game
Next the GUY asked the GAL some questions
After some Q&A sessions, the GAL was allowed to see
Oops, what did she see? & what did she hear? & what did she say?
Aha!~ The GUY's expectation was fulfilled!
Simultaneously, the GAL's expectation was also met!
Thereafter, one round of CELEBRATION & MORE SURPRISES!!! =)))

A Joyful moment filled with God's presence
A Joyful moment to be remembered by all those who are present
A Joyful moment shared by family members & friends
A Joyful moment to be passed from generation to generation

At the end of the day, love conquers all the negative feelings & with love that sparks between them, I believe they will carry on their lives hand in hand in God's love :)

10th May, 2011 at Page 10 Hotel in Pattaya, Thailand
A venue specifically chosen for this purpose
A day specifically chosen for this purpose
A purpose fulfilled for the perfect reason

Marriage, a wonderful journey awaiting this wonderful couple ~
May Lord bless them with His Love, Joy, Peace, Grace, Mercy, Blessing & Wisdom :)

This Is How I Will Choose You

Anjana Rajbhandary


I was recently talking to a friend about relationships when she said something that really stuck with me: “Relationships aren’t easy. They take work. You have to change with them. People think it’s a cliché to change for another person, but if you want to continue being with someone else, you have to let yourself grow, and growth is change.”

You need to change to grow. You need to be with the person who is willing to grow with you. You have to be with someone you can fight well with, because conflict is inevitable. If you cannot change yourself and grow with the other person, it will never work in the long run.

In many relationships, one person grows and the other one usually stays the same. Maybe that’s why the divorce rate is so high.

I don’t believe that it is bad to change. We should want to change. It’s a part of life. Nothing remains the same; you are going against nature if you refuse to evolve. Nothing stays as constant as change in the world. But as humans, change scares us, because it promises unpredictability. And unpredictability can be threatening.

You can never change anyone, but you can change yourself. And when you change, mean it. Change to become the best version of yourself that you did not think was possible.

You have to be strong to reveal your vulnerabilities, and when someone can promise to protect your soul, you know you have taken your shell off at the right time. Many people will stomp all over your weaknesses, leaving you broken and bruised, making you question your choices. But you were never wrong and you were never a fool. This is just life.

There is no right situation or right time, because something will always be wrong. When two people share the same goals and want the same things in life, the timing and the location are just subsidiary. When two people want to make it work, they do. It’s not rocket science.

Life is full of temptations, but you have to make a choice and you have to honor your promise to the person. You have to respect yourself to be able to respect the other person’s feelings, because everyone can get hurt. That’s when you fight for yourself and you fight for the other person, because without them, it wouldn’t be the same.

Meet someone who won’t make you question your thoughts and your feelings. Meet someone who makes you feel safe. Meet someone you are scared to lose every day, but someone who will never let you get lost. Meet someone who doesn’t make you question yourself. Meet someone who makes you realize the magic of living, because that is the whole point.

Meet someone who treats you like the best damn thing in the world that could ever exist, and treat them the same way.

Never let your heart compromise with ‘what if.’ Why do so many of us settle? Because we think it’s the best we deserve, or the most precious that we can find.

Choose someone who will do whatever it takes, because sometimes it takes a lot, and it is scary. Choose someone who is willing to risk themselves in the process because you would do the same. Choose someone who chooses you with the same promise you made yourself – a promise of happiness that comes with a price, but a price well worth it.

We cannot promise eternity but only hope for the best. When I choose you, I will choose only you. We cannot promise each other a forever, but when I am with you, I will be with only you.

Until then, I wait.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/anjana-rajbhandary/2016/01/this-is-how-i-will-choose-you/

True Love is a Choice. It’s 80% Commitment and 20% Feelings

No good thing happens easy, it takes conscious effort and time invested to make it real. So it is the same for love, True Love is a choice. Someone once told me this, wise words that I never forgot and hold it very dear to me. A relationship is made out of 80% commitment and 20% emotion.

80% Commitment and 20% Emotion

The younger me indulged with too much k-drama influenced by it’s unrealistic and unhealthy love stories. I too, wanted the “relationships” depicted on screen, a relationship that can give me the greatest highs. A high like that, in reality, comes with a price tag, a costly one at that. In order, to reach the highest highs, one will need to have experienced the lowest lows. Of which the frequency of the lows can be > high. It is a vicious cycle. Emotional turmoils that keeps the couple trapped in a constant stagnation. The unconscious desire in chasing for a high becomes an unconscious self-fulling prophesy. The root cause for a toxic relationship is compounded by these accumulated choices.

Lessons that only hindsight can give, I would not have traded the pain and experience for less. The recurring aftermath waves of pain was the constant reminders to reevaluate the choices made and they were crucial turning points in my life. Learning that some fall in love with the concept of being in love, without loving the person. Falling in love with the idea of love. Being in love with the abstract idea of attaining the perfect life also means getting married and having kids.

Love is a Choice

I have come to realize that true love is a choice. Love isn’t an emotional feeling, it is as logical as it can get. It is easy to feel like you are falling in love, but losing that feeling is just as easy.

Relationships require hard work and choosing love as a daily choice is much more beautiful than a mere euphoric feeling.

We first meet, we fall in love

We first meet, we fall in love. We don’t choose who we fall in love with. The feeling of euphoria slowly fades away, and life happens. It is no longer spontaneous but it becomes routine. We learn our strengths and our flaws. We see the best and the worst. We see how perfectly imperfect we are. We learn our pasts, and the demons we can’t let go. We are weird, we are quirky. We learn we have different habits, weaknesses, and flaws. We know discover each other and the aura of mystery disappears. Sooner or later, the cupid spell wears off. That, and the feeling of being in love, slowly fades away.

Do we give up?

When we reach this stage, there are 2 ways to deal with this:
1. Give up, break up and start the search again for the new ideal person.
2. Learn to compromise, accept imperfections, improve ourselves positively and constructively to be a better version of ourselves for each other. 

Feelings are fleeting, No one wants to talk about how feelings fade, that it takes work to keep feelings alive, and a relationship intact. To know that staying in love, is a deliberate choice. Staying in love under the Fundamentals of Love.

Love is Commitment

Just because we don’t feel the same when we first started out, doesn’t mean we stop loving someone. That is when we learn, that love is more than a feeling, we learn that love is commitment. To love each other is a choice we have to make daily. It is an intentional and conscious decision to choose to love each other for better and for the worst.

Emotions are fleeting and transient. It takes more than emotion for true love to exists. It takes hard work for relationships to be genuine, consistent and lasting.

Will you choose love today?

Those who choose love, finds love. Those who don’t, will seek it for the rest of their lives. We choose who we want our soulmates, the love of our life to be. And we both have to choose it together. 

Written by Michelle Kuan 

https://annabellaw.com/2016/05/03/true-love-is-a-choice-its-80-commitment-and-20-feelings/ 

3 relationship habits you think are toxic that are actually healthy

Relationship habits are always under debate, but here are three of them you may think are toxic that are actually healthy for you. With the help of Mark Manson, we’ve nailed down five healthy habits that you may have been told were toxic – or may have just thought were toxic. Here we go:
 

 

1) “Letting some conflicts go unresolved.”

We know that you’ve always heard that you should never go to bed angry, but sometimes you just have to. “The idea that couples must communicate and resolve all their problems is a myth.” Manson attributes this knowledge to the wealth of research done by Jon Gottman, with the Gottman Institute. “In his research of thousands of happily married couples, some of whom have been married for 40 years, he found time and again that most successful couples have persistent unresolved issues, unresolved issues that they’ve sometimes been fighting about for decades.” At the end of the day, you’re in a relationship with another human. This other person has thoughts, emotions and ideas that you may not agree with. In fact, you may never agree with some of them. It is vital to the success of your relationship that you let those things go. One idea, one argument, one opinion does not have to destroy a relationship. Don’t let it. Let some conflicts go unresolved and you will find much more happiness in the long term.

2) “Being willing to hurt each other’s feelings.”

“When our highest priority is to always make ourselves feel good, or to always make our partner feel good, then nobody ends up feeling good.” When you are in a relationship, an honest relationship, you must be willing to risk a few feelings for honesty. Your relationship is about trusting and supporting one another, and you need to be able to verbalize your actual feelings and emotions without fearing that you will hurt your partner or you may wind up losing the sense of reality in your relationship. “These (honest) conversations are paramount to maintaining a healthy relationship that meets both people’s needs.” After all, if you lie today about how something doesn’t bother you – it will be even worse when you bring it up later and say it actually does bother you. Be honest from the get-go.

3) “Spending time apart.”

It is important to spend time with your partner, but it is also important to spend time away from them. When you are cultivating a healthy relationship, you need to recognize when it is time to find a little bit of space and reclaim your identity. “The problem with allowing your identity to be consumed by a romantic relationship is that as you change to be closer to the person you love, you cease to be the person they fell in love with in the first place.” It is important to the continued success of your relationship and for your own happiness that you remain yourself and find space when you need it. “It’s important to occasionally get some distance from your partner, assert your independence, maintain some hobbies or interests that are just yours. Have some separate friends.” When you have this space, you allow your relationship to breathe. You don’t want to crush your relationship under the pressure of spending every waking moment together, and so this space is vital to the success. It also allows you more interesting topics to discuss, and you get to share your world with your partner when you tell them about your day. It keeps intact the surprise aspect of the relationship that you may have once thought was gone.


http://ziglarvault.com/3-relationship-habits-you-think-are-toxic-that-are-actually-healthy/

You Owe Her The Love She Deserves

Becca Martin

I sit there next to her, rubbing her back, as she’s sobbing on her bed. I tell her everything will be okay, but I’m not sure it really will be. Tears are pouring down her face and she can barely put together a sentence. I hate seeing her like this because she doesn’t deserve it. She lifts her head slightly up out of her hands and looks at me. She doesn’t understand how he isn’t sure if he loves her back.

She loves him so much. You can tell in the way she talks about him. The way she says his name. You can tell by the way she says, “I love you” over the phone and the way her eyes light up when he texts her.

But he doesn’t know if he loves her and it’s slowly killing her.

She doesn’t want to let him go, it’s been so long and she still insanely in love with him. She isn’t comfortable or settling, her heart still aches for him.

But he doesn’t know if he’s still in love with her.

He doesn’t compliment her or act like she’s one of the most important things in his world. He doesn’t support her or cherish her. He doesn’t brag about her to his friends, and he should. He should do all those things and more. Instead he acts uninterested. He acts like he doesn’t care. He acts like it wouldn’t matter if she were in his life or not. But he won’t let her go.

It’s not just breaking her heart, it’s breaking mine. You can only tell someone they deserve better so many times. But it’s not my life and it’s not my heart that’s passionately in love with someone who doesn’t know if they love you back, and that’s the hardest part.

If he doesn’t love the way her face lights up with she finds out exciting news, he should let her go. If he doesn’t love the way she mumbles the wrong words to her favorite song, let her go. If he doesn’t love the way her hair falls naturally, let her ago. If you don’t take pride in her work, let her go. If you don’t feel inspired when you roll over at 5 a.m. and see her, he should let her go.

She deserves so much more than that.

She deserves someone who will love how she laughs so hard she’ll cry. Someone who will love her so deeply that his heart feels like it’s going to beat out of his chest. Someone who laughs with her when she burns dinner for the second night in a row and decides pizza is better anyways. Someone who knows she’s smiling when she’s covering her mouth just by looking at her eyes.

If you can’t love her whole-heartedly all the time, let her go, because someone else will.

Someone will love the way she scrunches her nose and the look she gives when she wants to go home. Someone will love listening to her stories she tells at the end of her day. Someone will love helping her accomplish her goals and standing by her side when she succeeds. Someone will love the way she is happy and wants him there, but also love the way she is sad and needs him there.

Don’t be selfish with her, because she deserves so much more than that. Being with someone you don’t love is cruel, especially when you know she loves you. It’s holding her back from being free and finding real love. It’s holding her back from growing as a person and making herself happy. It’s holding her back from moving on.

Show her how much you love her when you’re with her, not when she’s moved on.

Because someone will love how the sound of her voice makes his bad day disappear. Someone will love hearing her name in conversation. Someone will want her being the last person he sees at night when he goes to sleep and the first person he sees when he wakes up in the morning. Someone will be proud to show her off. Someone will love her every second of everyday.

Someone will love her for her.