Disappointments [I]

Firstly, I am not sure if I am going to have a similar post in the future, but I hope I would not post on this topic again.

All of us do face disappointments at certain point of our lives. I have seen a lot of quotes on this topic itself; and most of it direct us to think positively.

No expectation, no disappointment.
Less expectation, less disappointment.
More expectation, more disappointment.

To a certain extent I do agree with the above.

For instance, we invite our good friends to an outing, hoping that they would reply positively but in the end the reply was, "We are too busy for that". Response: disappointed! Why? If someone really cares, they would make time no matter how busy! and because if the same invitation is being sent to me, I would try to make time for it, perhaps a rescheduling or something along those lines, because I care.

It is not that I cannot take disappointments, just that I was hoping too much; and this happens most of the time, if not all the time.

I guess, I just need to learn how not to expect and let a "surprise" come along, perhaps that would be a better way to deal with it.

The Difference Between Falling In Love When You Are Ready And When You Are Lonely

PAUL HUDSON • FEB 24, 2014

Although I have fallen in love several times in my life, I have really only been in love once. Doesn’t seem to add up, does it? Well, I have only fallen in love one time, at a point in my life when I wasn’t especially lonely. It was when I was much younger and when, to be honest, I was doing just fine without a female companion to share my life with. That was the first time I truly fell in love – and now that I think about it, the last.

This happens to all of us who have had no choice but to give up on a first love. It’s a sad truth: Once you’ve fallen in love deeply, you yearn for that love; you wish to find it again. You become lonely. You begin to fantasize and create a reality that doesn’t actually exist. Then you fall in love with someone unworthy of it.

That first time you fell in love can’t entirely be described in words. It’s as if the emotions, the state of your being and your state of mind became a different entity entirely. You go from being you, to being this other person — this person who needs this other person to survive. It’s as if you were just introduced to an organ that you rely on for life, which you never before even realized existed.

“Soul mate” is an understatement; it’s as if you have found a part of your soul that you didn’t know you had. It’s all incredibly overwhelming, to say the least. It is by far the most amazing, most intoxicating, most horrible and excruciating feeling in the world. And the second we get that first taste of it, we become addicts for life.

Unfortunately, as most stories go, we are forced into a withdrawal. I would like to say that more often than not it’s our own fault, but it’s never actually that simple. It’s you. It’s him or her. It’s the timing. It’s the situation. It’s the mistakes you made. It’s the mistakes you weren’t willing to risk. The stars didn’t align at the right moment in place and time, and hence, the two of your hearts cracked — metaphorically, of course. Physically cracking you’d expect would be swifter and less painful.

So you go on living your life the best you can, never truly forgetting about that taste, that incredible aroma that filled your soul. We never forget those perfect moments we lived with the person we loved. Then we spend the rest of our lives looking for our next fix.

Loneliness is a strong motivator. It moves us to make — I’m sorry to say — some very, very poor decisions. I can tell you right now that I am very likely to make yet another poor decision in a few hours, in the hopes of maybe, just maybe getting lucky enough to meet someone who I’ll not regret seeing when I wake up in the morning. Although we may love every single other aspect of our lives, being human makes us need the companionship of other people. And if we were lucky or unlucky enough to get a taste of real love, we’re going to search for that next fix until we find it.

Which is how we fall in love without ever actually being in love. “Falling into infatuation” would be more fitting terminology, but not quite as poetic. We meet someone who is great, beautiful, fun, interesting enough. And thanks to our brains being able to imagine grandeur and provoke emotional responses, we can take that previous feeling of love and warp it to fit the new mold.

The funny thing is, we actually believe we are in love. We think about the person throughout the day with intense positive feelings. We imagine ourselves with this person for the long run. We feel a need to see him or her and to spend time together. Yet, more likely than not, we eventually realize we aren’t compatible; loneliness had us raise our hopes up very high.

Things only get trickier as you go through these episodes of loving and mock-loving. After a few runs, you begin to question each new relationship and begin to anticipate the falling out. Then, the question is, would it have worked had your mind been in the right place, or were you really not compatible to begin with? Are your standards unrealistic? Or are you actually selling yourself short and settling?

The truth is, you won’t know until you find the next person you truly fall in love with. At that moment, your perspective comes into focus and you clearly see that most, if not all, of your previous loves weren’t actually loves. Until that point, you are likely to try to revert and reach out to past failed lovers in hopes that you can rekindle the flame.

So, do you hold yourself back from loving until you’re sure it’s real? No. If it ends up being real, then you’ve made it. If not, then you surely had a good time for a good stretch, and because you now know you weren’t in love, moving on will be easy. Live and love as much as you can. Those will be the stories you tell when you’re old and wrinkled.

How to Love Life Regardless of Your Love Life

Mandy Hale is on a mission to empower women everywhere to never settle for less than God's best. Known as "The Single Woman" and a Twitter powerhouse, Mandy has made a platform for herself by inspiring single women everywhere to practice joyful living regardless of their relationship status.

Mandy's new book, I've Never Been to Vegas, but My Luggage Has, hits the shelves in March. In it, Mandy shares her journey of past relationships, faith, and how "happily ever after" is not as far off as we think it is. With Valentine's Day right around the corner,Today's Christian Woman caught up with Mandy to hear her thoughts on singleness.

Why do you think some women feel that being single is synonymous with being lonely?

I've had moments where I start to look around and wonder why it feels like I am on the outside looking in—everyone else is out with couples and doing amazing things with their friends. I've found that those seasons of loneliness have happened because God is trying to speak into my heart. If we aren't willing to drown out the noise by ourselves, then he comes in and removes the distractions. The loneliest times are when God speaks the loudest. There has never been a lonely season of my life that I haven't had a great breakthrough with God. As a single woman there will most likely be lonely moments, but it doesn't mean that a lonely moment is an alone moment or an empty moment. It's an opportunity to draw closer to God and really listen to his voice in a unique way without being distracted.

Sometimes the only way God can get us to listen to him is to set us apart and put us in a season that seems like isolation, but it's really an opportunity for us to hear him.

Why do you think some women struggle with feeling like their lives won't start until they have a ring on their finger?

I think it's an epidemic with women that they feel they aren't whole or worthy without a relationship. I think our culture is somewhat to blame. The influence of culture causes women to feel there is something wrong with them if they are single at a certain age—late twenties, thirties, and beyond. We need to get aligned with who God says we are. If you don't grasp your worth and the fact that you have a great purpose regardless your relationship status, you will never fully feel complete.

In my own journey I'm figuring out that my single time is an uninhibited time to spend with God. It's a great opportunity to chase him and figure out his will for my life. When two people come together in a relationship, they can make each other's future greater, but individually we still have a purpose for our lives that has nothing to do with a man.

I think it's wonderful to want to be married, but in the mean time we can have a special and uninterrupted season to seek God. My number one goal this year is to pursue Jesus with radical abandon. When you are focused on Jesus and becoming the woman that God wants you to be, you have this sparkle and shine that attracts people to you without even meaning to. I've been so focused on Jesus that it's almost been an annoyance to have guys calling me. It's a whole new season for me. When you really get centered in your purpose, you don't even have time to think about the other things.

Have you made the choice to stay single?

I haven't made the commitment to staying single forever; it's just how my life has shaped up. I can look over the past few years and realize that I've had to be single in order to create The Single Woman and speak hope, inspiration, and healing into the lives of other women. It's helped me to see why I'm 35 and single. Do I hope to be married someday? Absolutely. You give off a different energy when you say to yourself, I am open to the potential opportunity for someone to walk into my life and change it forever. When you open yourself up to dating and are prayerful about it, you invite more opportunities to bring people into your life.

I tried online dating for a while. I know a lot of people are afraid of online dating so I figured I would document my progress. I didn't meet anyone in particular, but it still opened up opportunities for me to meet other people. At the beginning of any new relationship, whether it's a dating relationship, business relationship, or a friendship, I pray a prayer asking God to help me with three things: to reveal anything about this person that I am not seeing, to guard my heart, and to remove this person quickly if they are not meant to be in my life. When I say that prayer I know that God has my back and I don't have to worry about how the relationship is going to turn out. When you first meet someone new, pray a prayer like that so you can enter into a relationship or friendship in a healthy way.

An ex-boyfriend of yours cheated on you; how are women able to get back on their feet after something like that?

I wasn't seeking a godly relationship when I was with my ex-boyfriend. If a guy has cheated on you, I would encourage you to ask yourself, Is this a relationship I chose out of my own desires rather than waiting on God to lead me to this relationship? If you come to the realization that it's not a God-centered relationship, walk away. If you feel you are in a God-centered relationship but your boyfriend did something to hurt you, then it has to be a personal decision. Does he feel true remorse, or is he stubbornly unapologetic and won't take responsibility for his own actions? We all make mistakes. I do not condone cheating, but we all mess up in relationships. You need to make the decision whether or not the relationship is too unhealthy and damaged. If it is, then you need to walk away. If you are seeking God first with your relationship, he is going to take care of it regardless of which way it goes.

In your book, you mentioned you "settled for rocks when God wanted to give you diamonds." How can women not settle for someone less than God's best?

It's about knowing your worth. It's so easy to get frustrated and think that you may be single forever. I think it can be tempting to settle out of fear. When you settle for less and then God's best does come along, you won't be open to it because you already settled for something else. Don't make decisions based on fear, especially when it comes to someone who you might spend the rest of your life with. I'm 35, single, and I've never been engaged or married. I would rather be single at this point of my life rather than settle for someone who is just okay. We have to build patience, trust, and surrender to God so that we can understand that he has a plan much better than our own. God gives us free will and will let us settle if that's what we are determined to do. If we chose to settle, we'll never know how great we could have had it. It's sad to me that we sometimes settle for less and choose to live a mundane and mediocre existence. God didn't call us to be mediocre in any area of our lives.

How do you deal with your own discontentment?

I don't struggle with a lot of discontentment. You have to create a life you love regardless of a romantic relationship. A relationship is only going to make you more of who you already are. If you are a miserable and unhappy person, it's not because you aren't in a relationship.

Happiness is internal and not external. Sometimes we think that a job or relationship will make us happy. The heart of my new book is that it's not always about looking at the final destination; it's realizing that our "happily ever after" is an every-single-day journey. It's in every single decision we make, every friendship we build, and every dream we take.

If you are waiting on a man to come and rescue you from your life, then you're going to have a long and unhappy life. Your life should be so amazing that you want to invite someone to join you in it and not to rescue you from it. Combating discontentment is realizing that happiness is not found in a relationship; it's found in you. When you become that happy and joyful person, then you will attract other happy and joyful people, opportunities, and blessings into your life.

10 Men Christian Women Should Never Marry

By J. LEE GRADY

My wife and I raised four daughters—without shotguns in the house!—and three of them have already married. We love our sons-in-law, and it’s obvious God handpicked each of them to match our daughters’ temperaments and personality.

I have always believed God is in the matchmaking business. If He can do it for my daughters, He can do it for you.

Today I have several single female friends who would very much like to find the right guy. Some tell me the pickings are slim at their church, so they have ventured into the world of online dating. Others have thrown up their hands in despair, wondering if there are any decent Christian guys left anywhere. They’ve begun to wonder if they should lower their standards in order to find a mate.

My advice stands: Don't settle for less than God's best. Too many Christian women today have ended up with an Ishmael because impatience pushed them into an unhappy marriage. Please take my fatherly advice: You are much better off single than with the wrong guy!

Speaking of “wrong guys,” here are the top 10 men you should avoid when looking for a husband:

1. The unbeliever. Please write 2 Corinthians 6:14 on a Post-it note and tack it on your computer at work. It says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (NASB). This is not an outdated religious rule. It is the Word of God for you today.

Don’t allow a man’s charm, looks or financial success (or his willingness to go to church with you) push you to compromise what you know is right. “Missionary dating” is never a wise strategy. If the guy is not a born-again Christian, scratch him off your list. He’s not right for you. I’ve yet to meet a Christian woman who didn’t regret marrying an unbeliever.

2. The liar. If you discover that the man you are dating has lied to you about his past or that he’s always covering his tracks to hide his secrets from you, run for the nearest exit. Marriage must be built on a foundation of trust. If he can’t be truthful, break up now before he bamboozles you with an even bigger deception.

3. The playboy. I wish I could say that if you meet a nice guy at church, you can assume he’s living in sexual purity. But that’s not the case today. I’ve heard horror stories about single guys who serve on the worship team on Sunday but act like Casanovas during the week. If you marry a guy who was sleeping around before your wedding, you can be sure he will be sleeping around after your wedding.

4. The deadbeat. There are many solid Christian men who experienced marital failure years ago. Since their divorce, they have experienced the Holy Spirit’s restoration, and now they want to remarry. Second marriages can be very happy. But if you find out that the man you are dating hasn’t been caring for his children from a previous marriage, you have just exposed a fatal flaw. Any man who will not pay for his past mistakes or support children from a previous marriage is not going to treat you responsibly.

5. The addict. Churchgoing men who have addictions to alcohol or drugs have learned to hide their problems—but you don’t want to wait until your honeymoon to find out that he’s a boozer. Never marry a man who refuses to get help for his addiction. Insist that he get professional help and walk away. And don’t get into a codependent relationship in which he claims he needs you to stay sober. You can’t fix him.

6. The bum. I have a female friend who realized after she married her boyfriend that he had no plans to find steady work. He had devised a great strategy: He stayed home all day and played video games while his professional wife worked and paid all the bills. The apostle Paul told the Thessalonians, “If anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either” (2 Thess. 3:10). The same rule applies here: If a man is not willing to work, he doesn’t deserve to marry you.

7. The narcissist. I sincerely hope you can find a guy who is handsome. But be careful: If your boyfriend spends six hours a day at the gym and regularly posts closeups of his biceps on Facebook, you have a problem. Do not fall for a self-absorbed guy. He might be cute, but a man who is infatuated with his appearance and his own needs will never be able to love you sacrificially, like Christ loves the church (Eph. 5:25). The man who is always looking at himself in the mirror will never notice you.

8. The abuser. Men with abusive tendencies can’t control their anger when it boils over. If the guy you are dating has a tendency to fly off the handle, either at you or others, don’t be tempted to rationalize his behavior. He has a problem, and if you marry him you will have to navigate his minefield every day to avoid triggering another outburst. Angry men hurt women—verbally and sometimes physically. Find a man who is gentle.

9. The man-child. Call me old-fashioned, but I’m suspicious of a guy who still lives with his parents at age 35. If his mother is still doing his cooking, cleaning and ironing at that age, you can be sure he’s stuck in an emotional time warp. You are asking for trouble if you think you can be a wife to a guy who hasn’t grown up. Back away and, as a friend, encourage him to find a mentor who can help him mature.

10. The control freak. Some Christian guys today believe marriage is about male superiority. They may quote Scripture and sound super-spiritual, but behind the façade of husbandly authority is deep insecurity and pride that can morph into spiritual abuse. First Peter 3:7 commands husbands to treat their wives as equals. If the man you are dating talks down to you, makes demeaning comments about women or seems to squelch your spiritual gifts, back away now. He is on a power trip. Women who marry religious control freaks often end up in a nightmare of depression.

If you are a woman of God, don’t sell your spiritual birthright by marrying a guy who doesn’t deserve you. Your smartest decision in life is to wait for a man who is sold out to Jesus.

Are You Ready For Love?

How to know you're ready for a serious relationship before you're in one.

As a professional counselor, I have worked with countless couples whose problems and strife stemmed from the fact that they were desperate for love, though not necessarily prepared for what love would actually entail.

There is a stark difference between wanting love and being ready for love.

When it comes to being ready for love, it often has so much less to do with the things we tend to equate to readiness—such as age, financial status or educational attainments—and so much more to do with this one simple equation:

Healthy person + healthy person = healthy relationship.

Now, we all know there is no such thing as complete health or wholeness. Our entire life is a journey, striving to become more like Jesus every step of the way. Being ready for love doesn’t require perfection, but it does require perspective. In order to be ready for love, we need to have some sort of understanding of what this journey will entail.

Just like any significant journey, finding love requires time, planning and a whole lot of preparation. In order to be ready for love, there are a few things you need to be deliberate about dealing with and taking care of in order to be at the best place that you can be when love comes along. Of course, you’ll have to wait for that special other person, but here are a few guidelines for knowing you’re ready to be in a serious relationship:

You’ve checked your baggage

When it comes to looking ahead at where you want to be, it’s crucial to know where you are here and now. While there is no such thing as achieving perfection, it is possible to become an emotionally healthy person by recognizing and dealing with issues from both past and present.

Unhealthy behaviors, problematic thinking and emotions you haven’t dealt with can be the root to some serious problems both internally and relationally. Take the time to invest in getting to know yourself, and most importantly, begin the process of seeking healing from the wounds, hurts, habits and hang-ups you’ve experienced along the way.Dealing with these things while standing alone will prepare you that much more for joining your life with another.

You know what you’re looking for

In order to be ready for love, you have to have an idea of what love actually looks like. You have to know who you are in order to know what you want in a relationship. You need to establish healthy limits and boundaries by determining the places you are unwilling to go and the people you are unwilling to go there with.

It’s important to have a healthy understanding of the kind of things you need in a relationship, but more importantly, the kind of things you don’t. Understand the things that are important to you and then no matter how tempted you may be, don’t ever settle for anything less. Your relationship can only be as healthy as the people in it, so if you’re serious about love—be well—and then choose well.

You have proper expectations

It’s important to take a good look at your expectations when looking for love. There are so many wonderful things a relationship can add to your life- but there are also things it cannot do.

Relationships can’t give you purpose, security or self-worth. They can’t make you content or complete, because they were never meant to do those things. They can’t heal your wounds or erase your problems, but they can enrich your life in so many ways if you engage them in a healthy way. Get your expectations in the right place, and know the difference between what relationships can and can’t do.

You’ve got the go ahead from friends and family

Think of the people in your life who know you the most. The ones who love you, encourage you and invest in your life. At the end of the day, these are the people who should have permission to speak into your life and encourage you along your journey.

If you find at some point that the people you trust most are harboring reservations or concerns about your relationship status, it would be wise to take a second look and consider their observations. Though you should never base a relationship on the opinions of others, it’s important to take trusted feedback and wise counsel into consideration.

You’ve talked to God about it

Sometimes, it’s easy to forget about God’s role in the world of love and relationships; even for those of us that deliberately connect with God about other significant choices in our lives. Leaving God out of this most vulnerable piece of our lives means missing out on insight, leading and direction from the One who knows our hearts even better than we ever could.

For those of us who are believers, now is the time to listen to His spirit and allow Him to speak into your life more than ever before. Finding love and entering into a relationship will shape your life more than so many other things. It’s a process that needs to be covered in God’s power, peace and perspective. Do yourself the favor of a lifetime by inviting God to be a part of it.

When it comes to finding true love, it’s more than just feeling ready and so much more than just wanting to be ready. Just like any significant journey, it requires preparation and planning. It’s a challenge for you to become the greatest version of yourself so you can engage in a healthy relationship to the best of your ability.

Take the time think through who you are and where you are at today and ask yourself: What are some steps I may need to take in order to be ready for love?

How High is High?

Today is the fifth (5th) day of Chinese New Year (CNY).

When CNY is around the corner, we will see a lot of articles posted on the social media regarding questions that will be asked by our friends and relatives; and for singles like me, the common question is, when are you getting a partner?

I have shared about the criteria that I am looking for in a partner and most of them would comment that I have set a high standard. How high is high?

I have been praying to God that I want a God fearing man, because when one fears God, everything else will fall into place. I have shared this with a guy friend, and he said this is a very high standard. I then asked myself this, is this really a high standard?

To me, one who fears God, men and women alike, would abide by the word of God; and this is what God wants us to do. If that is the case, why is it a high standard?

Of course, besides a God fearing man, there are other qualities and criteria that I would love to look into:

- loyal and faithful

- compatibility

- chemistry

- I could just be myself without any pretence or effort to impress

- mature

- could play at least one musical instrument (optional)

- healthy family background

- sense of humour (could be subjective, as long as I know how to laugh at his jokes)

- share common interest

- at least 170 cm tall (optional)

- smart looking (optional)

- can cook and would help to do house chores

- love children

- et cetera

The list above is not exhaustive, but I believe, balance is the key. There are certain criteria that we cannot afford to compromise, such as, inter alia, Godly, faithful, trustworthy and loyal; however, there are many that we can compromise; at the end of the day, we give and take, and make a choice whether we want to have a committed relationship with "the one".

Ultimately, our focus shall be to have a Christ centred relationship and not merely being in a courtship with a Christian.