Relationship habits are always under debate, but here are three of them you may think are toxic that are actually healthy for you. With the help of Mark Manson, we’ve nailed down five healthy habits that you may have been told were toxic – or may have just thought were toxic. Here we go:
1) “Letting some conflicts go unresolved.”
We know that you’ve always heard that you should never go to bed angry, but sometimes you just have to. “The idea that couples must communicate and resolve all their problems is a myth.” Manson attributes this knowledge to the wealth of research done by Jon Gottman, with the Gottman Institute. “In his research of thousands of happily married couples, some of whom have been married for 40 years, he found time and again that most successful couples have persistent unresolved issues, unresolved issues that they’ve sometimes been fighting about for decades.” At the end of the day, you’re in a relationship with another human. This other person has thoughts, emotions and ideas that you may not agree with. In fact, you may never agree with some of them. It is vital to the success of your relationship that you let those things go. One idea, one argument, one opinion does not have to destroy a relationship. Don’t let it. Let some conflicts go unresolved and you will find much more happiness in the long term.
2) “Being willing to hurt each other’s feelings.”
“When our highest priority is to always make ourselves feel good, or to always make our partner feel good, then nobody ends up feeling good.” When you are in a relationship, an honest relationship, you must be willing to risk a few feelings for honesty. Your relationship is about trusting and supporting one another, and you need to be able to verbalize your actual feelings and emotions without fearing that you will hurt your partner or you may wind up losing the sense of reality in your relationship. “These (honest) conversations are paramount to maintaining a healthy relationship that meets both people’s needs.” After all, if you lie today about how something doesn’t bother you – it will be even worse when you bring it up later and say it actually does bother you. Be honest from the get-go.
3) “Spending time apart.”
It is important to spend time with your partner, but it is also important to spend time away from them. When you are cultivating a healthy relationship, you need to recognize when it is time to find a little bit of space and reclaim your identity. “The problem with allowing your identity to be consumed by a romantic relationship is that as you change to be closer to the person you love, you cease to be the person they fell in love with in the first place.” It is important to the continued success of your relationship and for your own happiness that you remain yourself and find space when you need it. “It’s important to occasionally get some distance from your partner, assert your independence, maintain some hobbies or interests that are just yours. Have some separate friends.” When you have this space, you allow your relationship to breathe. You don’t want to crush your relationship under the pressure of spending every waking moment together, and so this space is vital to the success. It also allows you more interesting topics to discuss, and you get to share your world with your partner when you tell them about your day. It keeps intact the surprise aspect of the relationship that you may have once thought was gone.
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