Why You Can’t Love More Than One Person

PAUL HUDSON • APR 9, 2014 - 2:42PM

I’d like to think that most people don’t fall in love very easily. Nevertheless, there are those who claim to fall in love on the regular. Moreover, there are some individuals who claim to be capable of being in love with more than one individual at a time.

This concept seems foreign to me, but for the sake of philosophical inquiry, I thought it would be interesting to take a closer look into how it is that some people have trouble falling in love at all while others seem to be falling in love left and right.

There are only a handful of explanations that are feasible. The first being that the individuals in question only think they are in love with multiple people when in fact they aren’t.

Love is a voluntarily accepted illusion. Sure, when we fall in love, we feel that we’re in love, but feeling – like everything else we experience – all originates from the brain.

To be clear, I’m talking about romantic love and not the love between parent and child or brother and sister. I am talking about sexual, romantic love. What really differentiates the two is the sex. So falling in love is basically accepting that you care deeply for an individual mixed in with the urge to jump his or her bones.

The beauty of love is that once it takes hold of us, it takes on a life of its own. It’s basically an obsession. How long this obsession will survive depends on how justified our obsession is.

If we quickly get disillusioned, then we fall out of love. If the person turns out to be really great then we are likely to stay in love for a bit longer. This gets more complicated as more often than not our minds start to invent flaws in order for us to feel more removed and less dependent, but you get the picture.

Very often we believe ourselves to be falling in love only to quickly realize that it wasn’t love, but rather infatuation. You can surely be infatuated with multiple people, but can you be in love with multiple people?

That really depends on how you define love. If you define love as caring greatly for a person and having romantic/sexual thoughts for that person, then sure, you can love multiple people. But love isn’t quite so shallow.

I often think that people never actually fall in love, but rather work towards being in love. When you fall for someone, you are greatly falling for someone that doesn’t actually exist.

You don’t know the person entirely and therefore only love the things that you do know about him or her. The rest remains a mystery and when finally realized is often the wakeup call that has us running out the door.

Love is something that is created and maintained over time. It takes time, energy, work, dedication and focus – just like anything else worth doing in life. For whatever reason, human beings love the idea of having things given to them.

No one wants to have to work for anything – we’d prefer it all handed to us on a silver platter. That’s why people love the concept of love. It levels the playing field by promising even the poorest, dumbest, most naïve person a chance at experiencing the greatest phenomenon known to man.

It’s something that every individual in the world can experience and be a part of. It doesn’t discriminate. Anyone can be lucky enough to fall in love – it’s all chance, so people would like to believe. Just about everyone’s brain is capable of it.

However, the belief that love is something so readily found gives people the illusion that it doesn’t take work to maintain. We love the concept of love because it gives the laziest man the chance to “have it all” – since love is all that you need in life, right?

In reality, building and maintaining love takes a lot of work. Any fool can fall in love, but only a few can stay in love. Life throws a lot of sh*t our way.

In fact, the higher your aspirations, the more difficulties you will face, the more troubles you will have to deal with. Life makes loving very, very hard. This is why I have a very hard time believing that a person can truly love more than one person at a time.

There simply isn’t enough time to love more than one person. Time is a reality that we all must abide by. There is only so much time in a day, in a week, in your life to do the things that you want to and have to do.

Relationships take up a whole lot of time and energy – the more you love a person, the more time and energy you will devote to them. So is it possible to think that you are in love with more than one person? Sure, but only on the earliest stages in which true love has yet to take form. The fact is that you don’t have enough time to love more than one person at a time properly.

There aren’t enough hours in the day. Falling in love is an illusion. Loving is a full-time job. If you think you are in love with two people, then chances are that you don’t truly love either of them.

Issues to consider before choosing a mate

6 April 2014 by Rev Dr Steven Kau -

Several years ago, our local newspapers reported that Malaysia today, perhaps for the first time, had more divorces than marriages. Recently, again our local newspapers reported that in Singapore, many married couples tend to become unfaithful after the second year of their marriage and most divorces happen after the fifth year of marriage, if I remember right. In America , generally more than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Some even suggested that Christian divorce rates are even higher than the national average. All this is telling us that most couples are extremely careless or misinformed of what marriage really is and what is required to make it work. May I also remind you that divorce is rarely an option for Christians, because God hates divorce? (Malachi 2:16)

The most important decision you could possibly make in life is whether or not you will pursue and receive Christ as Savior and Lord of your life. This will determine if you experience eternal life today and in eternity. But, the second most important decision in life is who you will marry. This is a critical decision that will greatly determine not only your future happiness but also the degree to which you are able to serve the Lord. What does the Bible declare the important considerations to be? Seriously, you disregard these considerations to your own detriment.

First, you may choose whomever you wish, as long as he or she is a Christian. (1 Corinthians 7:39) There are no exceptions to this command. If you marry a non-believer, some have even commented, you can’t possibly expect success since you have Satan as your father-in-law. There is a lot of truth in that.

From the following principles, you will see why God has made this a fundamental requirement for His children.

The next important question is, what kind of Christian is the person you desire to marry? Is he/she only a name-sake Christian or a born again, genuine spirit-filled, God fearing person? Is this person truly committed to loving and obeying the Lord? This is important because every marital problem you will encounter in your relationship will always result from a spiritual problem. If this person is truly committed to Christ, he or she will solve these problems in a biblical way. Therefore, how has he or she demonstrated this commitment? Do you see a love for God demonstrated in his or her life? Does this individual have a daily devotional life? Does this person share lessons learned from Scripture with you? Does he or she have a prayer life and has there ever been a time when this person has suggested prayer with you? Have you seen him or her serving others since you have been together? Does this person serve with a motivation of love or only because of obligation or just to impress you? Does this person seek the kingdom of God more than anything else? (Galatians 5:22; Matthew 16:24; Acts 2:42; Galatians 5:13; Matthew 6:33)

The next question: Do you have compatibility in spiritual thing? Do you agree on the major doctrines of Scripture? Do you agree on the church you will attend? Do you agree on how you will give of your time and money? Without agreement over these issues now, there will be great conflict over these issues in the future. (Amos 3:3)

Can you trust this person? Has this individual given you any reason not to trust what he or she has said or done in any aspect of your relationship? Trust is the foundation of any lasting relationship. If this person’s words and actions cannot be taken at face value and constantly need to be corrected, caution is advised. (Proverbs 3:11; 1 Corinthians 7:25)

How does he or she handle adversity? Does this person trust God or fall into unbelief regularly? Have you ever seen him or her angry? Have you seen this individual angry with you? Did you solve this in a biblical way? Was forgiveness asked for and granted or was the issue just forgotten after a while? The ability to reconcile conflicts in a biblical way is essential for a marriage that will last. (Proverbs 3:5; Mark 11:5-26; Luke 17:1-4; proverbs 37:8, 16:3)

Does he have a way to provide for you? Is he or she a responsible person with money? Money can be a great source of conflict in a marriage, so look for responsible action and decision making on this issue now. (1 Timothy 6:10; Luke 16:14; Matthew 25:27; 2 Timothy 3:2)

Is he or she a good example? In the future, if you have children, would your mate be a good example to them? If he or she is not a good example now, it will be a constant battle later. (1 Timothy 4:12)

What issues do you agree and disagree on? Make a list of both to permit an honest appraisal of your compatibility. Don’t go in with the foolish idea that you can change the person’s thinking later. No, the chances are you can’t.

Does this person have control of his or her sexual drives? Have you ever seen him or her compromise obedience toward God and His Word? Is there pressure on you for sex now to prove your love? You should get out right away and do it now! If he or she is not obedient or self-controlled in this area now, how will you be able to trust this person after you get married? (1 Thess. 4:8; 1 Corinthians 6:18; 1 Thess. 5:2)

Does your prospective mate respect you and your opinions? Does he or she listen to you and receive your ideas and or correction, or are you not even consulted over decisions? Respect and willingness to talk over issues is essential for a good marriage. You should both be able to compromise and find agreement over difficult problems. (Matthew 5:25)

How does your prospective mate treat other people? The way this individual treats others is ultimately the way he or she will treat you, so look very closely at these actions. (Ephesians 4:25)

Have you dated this person long enough to get an idea of what he or she struggles with in daily life? If you can’t identify at least some issues, you probably don’t know this person as well as you think; or that this person is so good at putting on a show and hiding things that you hardly notice any significance issues. If this is the case, you are in for trouble because after marriage it will become your problem. Everyone has faults; some more than others. Ask this person what issues cause the greatest struggles in life and how he or she is dealing with these issues. Can you live with these faults or differences, knowing that people change very slowly? Can you live with the areas of your prospective mate is not dealing with very well? Be very realistic, you should accept the fact that “what you see is what you get.” (Deut. 1:12)

Is this person a giving individual? Being able to give sacrificially is the best proof of true love. If this person you want to marry is interested only in you giving the majority of the time, this will not be a happy marriage. (Romans 12:10; Luke 6:38)

Each of the above issues requires effective communication. Without this occurring now, you will never have the relationship you desire in marriage. Communication is the life blood of a marriage because it enables a relationship to be nourished and survive the struggles that two people encounter. (Proverbs 18:21; Ephesians 4:29-31)

Is your prospective mate your best friend? If marriage is a picture of the relationship between Christ and His church, then friendship is essential. Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” (John 15:13) A friend, according to Jesus was one for whom He would sacrificially lay down His life and one whom He would lovingly communicate His heart. Will you be marrying your best friend and a person with whom you can share your heart? If so, your marriage will be all that you expect it to be. (Song of Solomon 5:16)

Now take these same questions and apply to yourself. Your answers will determine where you might consider making changes in your own life before making a life-time commitment.

Patience & Waiting

Joyce Meyer said, "Patience is not the ability to wait but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.”

We heard about "True Love Waits". 

Just a moment ago, I saw on FB. "There's no need to rush. What's meant for you always arrives right on time"

I tend to read books written for singles. One of it is a Devotional Book calls "Lady in Waiting: Becoming God's Best while Waiting for Mr Right", which clearly states that the book is about - waiting.

Tick tock, tick tock - time waits for no men. The time continues to run. Every minute passed is wasted if we do not use it wisely.

Sometimes, do we take things into our own hands and rush into making a decision only to find out later that we could have made a wrong choice?

Or, we are not sure if the thing that appeared at that time was from God but because of time factor (age perhaps), we rush into making that choice?

What is good attitude while waiting? 

We do know that we need to abide in His word, serve Him wholeheartedly, strive to be holy, maintain our purity et cetera while waiting, and we believe that while we are observing all these, God will honour us and will give us what we need at His timing.

What is His timing?

This is an answer that only He knows, and we are to have faith and believe and trust in Him.

I would say, this is such a tough lesson...

Tick tock, tick tock....time continues to run...