10 Men Christian Women Should Never Marry

By J. LEE GRADY

My wife and I raised four daughters—without shotguns in the house!—and three of them have already married. We love our sons-in-law, and it’s obvious God handpicked each of them to match our daughters’ temperaments and personality.

I have always believed God is in the matchmaking business. If He can do it for my daughters, He can do it for you.

Today I have several single female friends who would very much like to find the right guy. Some tell me the pickings are slim at their church, so they have ventured into the world of online dating. Others have thrown up their hands in despair, wondering if there are any decent Christian guys left anywhere. They’ve begun to wonder if they should lower their standards in order to find a mate.

My advice stands: Don't settle for less than God's best. Too many Christian women today have ended up with an Ishmael because impatience pushed them into an unhappy marriage. Please take my fatherly advice: You are much better off single than with the wrong guy!

Speaking of “wrong guys,” here are the top 10 men you should avoid when looking for a husband:

1. The unbeliever. Please write 2 Corinthians 6:14 on a Post-it note and tack it on your computer at work. It says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (NASB). This is not an outdated religious rule. It is the Word of God for you today.

Don’t allow a man’s charm, looks or financial success (or his willingness to go to church with you) push you to compromise what you know is right. “Missionary dating” is never a wise strategy. If the guy is not a born-again Christian, scratch him off your list. He’s not right for you. I’ve yet to meet a Christian woman who didn’t regret marrying an unbeliever.

2. The liar. If you discover that the man you are dating has lied to you about his past or that he’s always covering his tracks to hide his secrets from you, run for the nearest exit. Marriage must be built on a foundation of trust. If he can’t be truthful, break up now before he bamboozles you with an even bigger deception.

3. The playboy. I wish I could say that if you meet a nice guy at church, you can assume he’s living in sexual purity. But that’s not the case today. I’ve heard horror stories about single guys who serve on the worship team on Sunday but act like Casanovas during the week. If you marry a guy who was sleeping around before your wedding, you can be sure he will be sleeping around after your wedding.

4. The deadbeat. There are many solid Christian men who experienced marital failure years ago. Since their divorce, they have experienced the Holy Spirit’s restoration, and now they want to remarry. Second marriages can be very happy. But if you find out that the man you are dating hasn’t been caring for his children from a previous marriage, you have just exposed a fatal flaw. Any man who will not pay for his past mistakes or support children from a previous marriage is not going to treat you responsibly.

5. The addict. Churchgoing men who have addictions to alcohol or drugs have learned to hide their problems—but you don’t want to wait until your honeymoon to find out that he’s a boozer. Never marry a man who refuses to get help for his addiction. Insist that he get professional help and walk away. And don’t get into a codependent relationship in which he claims he needs you to stay sober. You can’t fix him.

6. The bum. I have a female friend who realized after she married her boyfriend that he had no plans to find steady work. He had devised a great strategy: He stayed home all day and played video games while his professional wife worked and paid all the bills. The apostle Paul told the Thessalonians, “If anyone is not willing to work, then he is not to eat, either” (2 Thess. 3:10). The same rule applies here: If a man is not willing to work, he doesn’t deserve to marry you.

7. The narcissist. I sincerely hope you can find a guy who is handsome. But be careful: If your boyfriend spends six hours a day at the gym and regularly posts closeups of his biceps on Facebook, you have a problem. Do not fall for a self-absorbed guy. He might be cute, but a man who is infatuated with his appearance and his own needs will never be able to love you sacrificially, like Christ loves the church (Eph. 5:25). The man who is always looking at himself in the mirror will never notice you.

8. The abuser. Men with abusive tendencies can’t control their anger when it boils over. If the guy you are dating has a tendency to fly off the handle, either at you or others, don’t be tempted to rationalize his behavior. He has a problem, and if you marry him you will have to navigate his minefield every day to avoid triggering another outburst. Angry men hurt women—verbally and sometimes physically. Find a man who is gentle.

9. The man-child. Call me old-fashioned, but I’m suspicious of a guy who still lives with his parents at age 35. If his mother is still doing his cooking, cleaning and ironing at that age, you can be sure he’s stuck in an emotional time warp. You are asking for trouble if you think you can be a wife to a guy who hasn’t grown up. Back away and, as a friend, encourage him to find a mentor who can help him mature.

10. The control freak. Some Christian guys today believe marriage is about male superiority. They may quote Scripture and sound super-spiritual, but behind the façade of husbandly authority is deep insecurity and pride that can morph into spiritual abuse. First Peter 3:7 commands husbands to treat their wives as equals. If the man you are dating talks down to you, makes demeaning comments about women or seems to squelch your spiritual gifts, back away now. He is on a power trip. Women who marry religious control freaks often end up in a nightmare of depression.

If you are a woman of God, don’t sell your spiritual birthright by marrying a guy who doesn’t deserve you. Your smartest decision in life is to wait for a man who is sold out to Jesus.

Are You Ready For Love?

How to know you're ready for a serious relationship before you're in one.

As a professional counselor, I have worked with countless couples whose problems and strife stemmed from the fact that they were desperate for love, though not necessarily prepared for what love would actually entail.

There is a stark difference between wanting love and being ready for love.

When it comes to being ready for love, it often has so much less to do with the things we tend to equate to readiness—such as age, financial status or educational attainments—and so much more to do with this one simple equation:

Healthy person + healthy person = healthy relationship.

Now, we all know there is no such thing as complete health or wholeness. Our entire life is a journey, striving to become more like Jesus every step of the way. Being ready for love doesn’t require perfection, but it does require perspective. In order to be ready for love, we need to have some sort of understanding of what this journey will entail.

Just like any significant journey, finding love requires time, planning and a whole lot of preparation. In order to be ready for love, there are a few things you need to be deliberate about dealing with and taking care of in order to be at the best place that you can be when love comes along. Of course, you’ll have to wait for that special other person, but here are a few guidelines for knowing you’re ready to be in a serious relationship:

You’ve checked your baggage

When it comes to looking ahead at where you want to be, it’s crucial to know where you are here and now. While there is no such thing as achieving perfection, it is possible to become an emotionally healthy person by recognizing and dealing with issues from both past and present.

Unhealthy behaviors, problematic thinking and emotions you haven’t dealt with can be the root to some serious problems both internally and relationally. Take the time to invest in getting to know yourself, and most importantly, begin the process of seeking healing from the wounds, hurts, habits and hang-ups you’ve experienced along the way.Dealing with these things while standing alone will prepare you that much more for joining your life with another.

You know what you’re looking for

In order to be ready for love, you have to have an idea of what love actually looks like. You have to know who you are in order to know what you want in a relationship. You need to establish healthy limits and boundaries by determining the places you are unwilling to go and the people you are unwilling to go there with.

It’s important to have a healthy understanding of the kind of things you need in a relationship, but more importantly, the kind of things you don’t. Understand the things that are important to you and then no matter how tempted you may be, don’t ever settle for anything less. Your relationship can only be as healthy as the people in it, so if you’re serious about love—be well—and then choose well.

You have proper expectations

It’s important to take a good look at your expectations when looking for love. There are so many wonderful things a relationship can add to your life- but there are also things it cannot do.

Relationships can’t give you purpose, security or self-worth. They can’t make you content or complete, because they were never meant to do those things. They can’t heal your wounds or erase your problems, but they can enrich your life in so many ways if you engage them in a healthy way. Get your expectations in the right place, and know the difference between what relationships can and can’t do.

You’ve got the go ahead from friends and family

Think of the people in your life who know you the most. The ones who love you, encourage you and invest in your life. At the end of the day, these are the people who should have permission to speak into your life and encourage you along your journey.

If you find at some point that the people you trust most are harboring reservations or concerns about your relationship status, it would be wise to take a second look and consider their observations. Though you should never base a relationship on the opinions of others, it’s important to take trusted feedback and wise counsel into consideration.

You’ve talked to God about it

Sometimes, it’s easy to forget about God’s role in the world of love and relationships; even for those of us that deliberately connect with God about other significant choices in our lives. Leaving God out of this most vulnerable piece of our lives means missing out on insight, leading and direction from the One who knows our hearts even better than we ever could.

For those of us who are believers, now is the time to listen to His spirit and allow Him to speak into your life more than ever before. Finding love and entering into a relationship will shape your life more than so many other things. It’s a process that needs to be covered in God’s power, peace and perspective. Do yourself the favor of a lifetime by inviting God to be a part of it.

When it comes to finding true love, it’s more than just feeling ready and so much more than just wanting to be ready. Just like any significant journey, it requires preparation and planning. It’s a challenge for you to become the greatest version of yourself so you can engage in a healthy relationship to the best of your ability.

Take the time think through who you are and where you are at today and ask yourself: What are some steps I may need to take in order to be ready for love?

How High is High?

Today is the fifth (5th) day of Chinese New Year (CNY).

When CNY is around the corner, we will see a lot of articles posted on the social media regarding questions that will be asked by our friends and relatives; and for singles like me, the common question is, when are you getting a partner?

I have shared about the criteria that I am looking for in a partner and most of them would comment that I have set a high standard. How high is high?

I have been praying to God that I want a God fearing man, because when one fears God, everything else will fall into place. I have shared this with a guy friend, and he said this is a very high standard. I then asked myself this, is this really a high standard?

To me, one who fears God, men and women alike, would abide by the word of God; and this is what God wants us to do. If that is the case, why is it a high standard?

Of course, besides a God fearing man, there are other qualities and criteria that I would love to look into:

- loyal and faithful

- compatibility

- chemistry

- I could just be myself without any pretence or effort to impress

- mature

- could play at least one musical instrument (optional)

- healthy family background

- sense of humour (could be subjective, as long as I know how to laugh at his jokes)

- share common interest

- at least 170 cm tall (optional)

- smart looking (optional)

- can cook and would help to do house chores

- love children

- et cetera

The list above is not exhaustive, but I believe, balance is the key. There are certain criteria that we cannot afford to compromise, such as, inter alia, Godly, faithful, trustworthy and loyal; however, there are many that we can compromise; at the end of the day, we give and take, and make a choice whether we want to have a committed relationship with "the one".

Ultimately, our focus shall be to have a Christ centred relationship and not merely being in a courtship with a Christian.