Contemplative Retreat: Day 2 ~ A Walk with Jesus

I had a very early rest on the first night, because I was feeling tired and sleepy. I woke up, with the intention to take my usual morning shower but the weather was too cold. The night was very cold and I regretted not taking any socks with me, and I just had a thin "blanket" to cover myself up, so I did not have a deep sleep.

I took a walk around the vicinity before breakfast time and the Guide asked us to "listen" to the sound of nature. I am not accustomed to sound, so I just walked around "trying" to enjoy the sound of nature. I prefer to listen to the waves of the sea :)

After breakfast, we started to meditate on the word of God again. This time round, I spent less time reading and meditating; instead, I spent more time resting on the bed. I could not understand why I could not relate myself deeply to the verses, perhaps God wanted me to understand something else more related to my current situation.

There was one (1) session whereby we "took" Jesus out for a walk. So, I really imagined myself taking a walk with Jesus, and talking to Him. I must say, this session was the most enjoyable moment throughout the three (3) days I was in Peacehaven.

I was walking with Jesus, and we had a deep conversation:

Me: Lord, why did You do this to me?

Jesus: If I do not do it, will You let go and let me take charge?

Me: But I am just a normal human being, I am feeling tired.

Jesus: Let me ask you, why did you let your friend drive your car up to Genting?

Me: Hm, because I trusted his skill.

Jesus: If you could trust your car and your life in your friend's hands, why can't you put your trust in ME? Now, why did you dare to play the roller coaster?

Me: Hm, because I know the management will take security measures and ensure that it is safe to be played.

Jesus: Again, you trusted the management, but do you put the same trust on ME?

I was silent and tears started to roll down my cheeks. God was right, all these while I did not put my trust on Him, not 100%. I started to feel that God loves me a lot because He did not give up on me and yet He tried to make things right.

Me: Lord, why did You allow the thing to happen early this year?

Jesus: If I don't do it, you will not let go. If you don't let go, how are you going to fill your heart with the One that I have prepared for you?

I kept silent for a moment and was thankful to Him because He had released me from this matter, which had been in my heart for several years.

Me: Lord, how is it like to fall in love with You?

God did not answer me. I guess, I did not love God enough to treat Him as my lover.

God did not give me answer to my questions but one thing is definite, He gave me peace. He assured me that a job is waiting for me when I go back to Kuala Lumpur. He assured me that everything will be all right. He assured me that I will not be alone and He will be with me to overcome everything.

This is the best moment that I had during this retreat. God is love. Thank You Jesus for loving me, even when I am not lovable. Thank You Jesus, thank You.

Contemplative Retreat: Day 1 ~ I am His Precious Child

When I first saw the announcement on this, something came to my mind to attend this. However, this retreat did not appeal to me because I needed to take two (2) days leave in order to attend, so I just kept the idea behind my mind. One (1) week before the retreat, I had some "free" time, and hence I enquired Ps Stuart about this, and thereafter the person in charge contacted me.

The person in charge encouraged us to prepare ourselves to attend this retreat by quieten ourselves. I did my packing at the very last minute, and because I was home alone (family was out to Sekinchan for holiday), there was a lot to take care of. As such, I did not really "quiet" myself before the retreat.

I was late but the other car-mates were gracious to wait for me. I made new friends along the journey and it was truly a blessing to join the retreat.

We were assigned to a room each at Peacehaven. After checking in, we proceeded to a briefing regarding the retreat. At 16:00, we begin the session ~

I did not really know what to expect from this retreat. I just know, I needed God and His guidance. Perhaps I was looking for answers. Perhaps I just wanted a good rest. Perhaps I just wanted to have a short escape from reality. Perhaps...

We went back to our respective rooms after the briefing. I had my shower then went out to have a walk, enjoying the fresh air. Then we proceeded to have dinner.

The first session began after dinner. It was on Psalm 139. I made a short prayer before I started meditating.

Psalm 139

New King James Version (NKJV)

God’s Perfect Knowledge of Man

For the Chief Musician. A Psalm of David.

139 O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
² You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
³ You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
⁵ You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
⁸ If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall^[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
¹² Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You.

¹³ For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;^[b]
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

¹⁷ How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
¹⁸ If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.

¹⁹ Oh, that You would slay the wicked, O God!
Depart from me, therefore, you bloodthirsty men.
²⁰ For they speak against You wickedly;
Your enemies take Your name in vain.^[c]
21 Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
²² I hate them with perfect hatred;
I count them my enemies.

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
²⁴ And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.

Tears were flowing when I read the highlighted part. I felt so touched and remorseful because I failed to realise that I was actually a very precious being to God. He was telling me that I was "fearfully and wonderfully made".

I guess, all this while I had been ignorant and indifferent. I knew that I was saved by His blood, but I tried to avoid taking it personally. In fact, I was "afraid" to attend this Retreat because I was afraid that He was going to ask me to do things that I was reluctant to do. 

Nonetheless, I felt lost, and could not understand why I had to face challenges and obstacles that I never thought would happen on me. I needed some rest and I thank God because I took the step of faith to attend this Retreat.

So, on the first evening, God comforted me with these very words. I felt so blessed to find my indentity in Him again. I felt peace in my heart, despite the circumstances I was in. I felt grateful because He did not abandon me. I felt rested in His arms. I felt that I could just let go and let God.

Dear Father Lord,

I thank You for your comfort as I come before You today. I thank You for the peace that You had given me. I thank You for not letting go of my hand, just like how You had shown me the vision when I was 15. I thank You that despite the challenges that I am facing, You had given me the assurance that You are taking control and You will be with me to overcome everything. My heart is full of gratitude that words cannot explain how I feel. I just want to thank You for everything. Jesus, You had been my best friend, and will be my best friend in the days to come. I pray that I will continue to grow in You and as I mature as a Christian, I will be able to be the salt and light to the world. I need You, Lord, to walk with me and give me guidance throughout this journey.

In Jesus' precious name I pray, Amen~

I am a Miracle

Have you ever think about this: I am a Miracle?

Growing up as a Christian, I know that God performs miracles. I still remember that I attended healing rallies when I was young and the speakers would usually invite those with sickness to come forward and pray. At that time, my thought was, "This is something very common happening in a Church; Altar calls are very common, so there is nothing special about it; God is Jehovah Rapha, so He heals and the like". In short, I was being indifferent and ignorant about things that have been taking place in my surrounding.

I remember seeing a phrase something like this: Be thankful, for it is a miracle that we are alive today (I cannot remember the exact phrase). Then I start to think, "Oh yeah, this is very true!"

For some reason, I have been learning about the Holy Spirit for the past few months. Firstly, I enrolled myself in a course called "Dynamics of the Holy Spirit"; next, I joined a seminar by an African Pastor on "Effective Fervent Prayer", then I joined a conference on "The Fourth Dimension of the Holy Spirit"; and lastly, I attended a healing crusade: "The Festival of God's Power".

I believe that my participation in these are not a coincidence. Amen!

It is not the first time I witness miracles before my eyes; but I think it is the first time (maybe I have experienced the same in the past, but that was, past) I felt deeply touched by the miracles that happened around me. Unconsciously, my eyes were flowing with tears of joy when I saw the lame walked, the sick got healed, the blind saw, the deaf heard and many other miracles, all by the touch of the Holy Spirit.

Then I wondered, the fact that I am still breathing today, sitting here, typing this out, is a miracle. It is so true that the fact that I am able to wake up every morning and say, "Good morning, Jesus", is a miracle. The fact that I am so unworthy and yet got saved by the blood of Jesus Christ the Lord, is a miracle. When I saw the sick got healed, I am so thankful to God that I am healthy and normal; This itself, is indeed a miracle.

I am a sinner, so unworthy, but Jesus Christ died on the Cross for me because of one word, LOVE. This is the greatest miracle that all of us have experienced. He had already known us even before we were borned. When Jesus left this world, God did not forget us; He sent the Holy Spirit to guide us. How awesome He is, to think for us, to do what is good for us, to plan everything for our sake; so that we could have a deeper relationship with Him and will not be lost.

We may be facing obstacles in life; but through obstacles we are able to experience Him deeper. We maybe discouraged by men; but He comforts and encourages us. We may feel that we are not worthy at all, but again and again He assured us that He loves us. We are sinners but He forgives us.

In Him, I can be assured that there is hope in life; that there is love in this world; there is a God who cares for me and wants to have a personal relationship with me.

When we are apart from our loved ones, we feel that there is something missing in our lives. If we are apart from God, how would God feel?

I learn to be thankful because I am a miracle of God. I am formed in His image. I am His daughter. I am His princess. Wow, what else do I hope for? He is everything I need.

Thank You Jesus, for everything!

Jesus loves me this I know,

for the Bible tells me so,

Little ones to Him belong,

they are weak but He is strong.

Yes, Jesus loves me,

Yes, Jesus loves me,

Yes, Jesus loves me,

the Bible tells me so.

While we are still breathing on this earth, we should grab the opportunity to:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face,

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of His glory and grace.

God bless ~